bdd? a freak? or just plain pathetic? what ever the answer...im desperate

 u walk down the street and everyone in the world is watching ur every step. am i walking in a straight line? am i gonna trip if i dont look at the floor? are my hands swaying too much? too little? does my bum wobble every time my foot touches the ground? looking at my reflection in every shop window, going to every toilets i pass to check myself in the mirrors and feeling so upset when they dont have one. i feel like i need to know exactly how i look through every second of the day. when theres no mirrors i ask friends. when theres no friends i feel so vulnerable that i have to leave. after all, i could have a hair out of place!

when i go out clubbing i make such an effort. spend hours getting ready and spend hundreds of pounds on new dresses and on sunbeds. knowone would ever guess how much i actualy hate myself though because i come across as so happy and bubbley! always smiling, always making ppl laugh, il talk to apsolutely anyone about anything. people notice my confidence all the time and some girls even envy it. they have no idea what its to cover.il get so much male attention, but i just stand there and think 'idiots, if only you knew how discusting i reallly am' . and when i start to get to the part in a relationship where it comes to physical contact i run. and then i end up hating myself for leading them on, for making them fall for me. the thought of anyone touching my skin, my fat, my hair makes me feel sick to the stomach. im neally 20 and iv only had sex once! (when i was 15 and didnt care!). probely never will again... its soo heartbreaking because i have so much love to give. having a relationship would be incredible. not being lonely all the time, being able to go to sleep knowing that theres someone next to u to protect u. having children... im awesome with kids, love them so much and knowing that i may never have any makes me wander what i should stay alive for. sprm bank? thought of that.. sort of sad and desperate tho isnt it lol and then the kid wouldnt have a dad which wouldnt be fair.

is this me forever? will i never be happy or loved? when i look into the future i see nothing.  the reason iv come on here to look up this dissorder is cos i just got back after a date (the 4th one) i really fell for this one, hes such a nice guy and is perfect for me but what usualy happens on the 4th date? physical contact begins.. he was cuddling me and the whole hour was just one big cringe. i felt such a hate for myself that i made up an excuse to leave and have been crying ever since. il never see him again. 3rd one this yr :-(

anyway now i know that it is actualy an issue thats already known i may go to the doctors or something.. but what will i say? ' hey doctor, im really ugly and i think im a bicth, can u help?' lol what would they be able to do anyway? im just desperate now...starting to wander down the driving off a cliff option because it seems to be the only way out of this disfigured body. this hell.

 

cursed cursed
18-21
4 Responses Jun 30, 2009

I literally feel like you've reached into my head and taken your words from my mouth. I can relate so much to your story. To feel like your every movement is being judged and having to calculate your appearance precisely. And the worst part of the whole thing is everyone around me thinks I've got it so good, they see none of my pain. I cant approach anyone I know and tell them that I am disgusting to look at because they would laugh at me. They don't see what we see and that just makes me feel incredibly lonely. I'm not sure where to go from here either...possibly counselling but my resources are limited in the city I live in. Don't feel guilty for the way are, just know that you are so not alone. You are still so young, you shouldnt write off the rest of your life to this. Things will get better for all of us feeling this way.

Well said, Gr1fter. all those things do help. if medication is working for you, then there is nothing wrong with that. <br />
You may not always need to be on them, but if they help while you are working through this, then that's what you need to do.

So much of that strikes a chord with me. I'm 18, and get lots of female attention- "but i just stand there and think 'idiots, if only you knew how discusting i reallly am'<br />
Yes!!<br />
And the walking thing.. Oh god i've been there. I feel like i analyse every little thing i do and imagine how other people percieve it. Am i standing up straight enough... am i walking properly? I mean my god. Walking properly!!<br />
I look at my face and can't even see what's there. So many people tell me i should consider modelling, yet when i look in the mirror all i see is an atrocity.<br />
..Or that's what i used to see. Now i'm less sure.<br />
Like the guy above said, this thing IS treatable. I now go to weekly therapy + take meds every day( horrible i know.. resisted so much before i decided to try it)<br />
There is a better place! And it's so so rewarding. Doing those little things other people would htink are ridiculous. Spending 5 minutes less getting ready.. cutting out a little bit of your routine, letting someone have that physical contact for a bit longer; and enjoying it.

You are really brave to share your story and you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel, because I have the same issue. <br />
You asked what you should do. You absolutely must see a mental health professional. You already know the name for it. It's BDD. I would suggest writing down how you feel and take it with you to your appointment. <br />
here's what you need to know... It is real, and it is treatable. You're life can be better and will be. A counselor can help you work through this. I know, because one is helping me. It takes some work and you may want to give up, but do it. You deserve a happy life. <br />
If you need to talk to someone, I'm here. <br />
You are in my thoughts and prayers.