The more I read all the Body Dysmorphic Disorder stories here the more I am brought to tears as I realise that my eating disorder might be a direct result of possibly having BDD.
The flaw on my body that I hate the most is not my weight and the fat parts..its actually my face. I am so ashamed of the flaws on my face that I cannot even detail it out. I do not want to acknowledge it because I hate it so much...(altho my handle is "spotme" it isnt acne btw). I hate parts of my face so much that it makes me cry. My face is the dominating thought all day everyday and has been for the past 15 years. When I talk to people all I keep thinking of is "..they are looking at my flaws", "..they are disgusted by me". I dont want to have face to face contact with anyone anymore unless I have to. I try and avoid face to face contact during the day or in well lit areas. I do not want people to see my flaws. I am always thinking ahead to these situations so I can prepare for them..I dread them. Its my constant thought from the moment I wake up. I envy those who do not have the same problems as me. I wish I knew what it was like to be like them, to be normal.
I spend 2 hours religiously every night in front of the mirror examining my face. I have done this now for so many years now that it is just part of my daily routine. I cannot face any social situation without make up because I feel it covers my face and its many imperfections. I wear excessive foundation and reapply this constantly during the day. I wash it off and reapply, then an hour later I do this all over again. I never feel like I apply my makeup correctly too so it takes me so long to get ready. I have a morning ritual which I never look forward to...I hate it because if I dont get it right, I have to redo it and sometimes this can take a couple of hours or redoing it and its frustrating. These days I cant seem to get it perfect anymore. When I end up having to stop reapplying because its taken so long its never a good enough result and it sets my mood to be cranky for the rest of the day. I have spent so much time and money on my face. How can I cover it all up? How can I fix it? Problem is I have dried my skin up so badly now from all the treatments & make up that it probably now draws more attention to my face.
All my past relationships with guys have all failed because of this. I dont want any guy to know my dark secret that my uncovered face is hideous. I had a boyfriend that I lived with and I realise now that I sabotaged the relationship because I couldnt keep up the effort it took to constantly cover up my face. Its too much of a chore to keep up...when I am on my own I do not need to put in this effort, I feel both relieved and frustrated at the same time. I hate that it has to be this way.
My body is also too fat in certain parts. I cover those parts up always and never show them at all. When I wake up in the morning I check I can feel the bones in my ribcage, collar bones, jaw & shoulders..before I even open my eyes. These bones remind me where the fat parts of my body need to get to. I then pinch my back sides to remind me of how fat I am. I check my stomach, it is never flat enough, there is always a bulge. I check my arms because they are too fat. During the day I constantly pinch my back sides only..especially if I am fasting. It helps me remember to not eat, to purge, to keep exercising...
I dont know whether I have BDD but now I want to find out...thats all.