I Put It Down To A Crazy Obssesion

hi to all, I'm new to this site and I didn't even know it existed before today, I didn't even know there was a name for it, I've always put it down to being a crazy obsession that I've had since I was at least three years old, if I was younger I can't remember, I've had this obsession consume me 24/7 since then, I've always wanted my left leg amputated below the knee or even above the ankle, just so I can be rid of my foot and as I've gotten older the obsession to be paralyzed below the waist has taken over as well, I can remember being ten and that was when it started to take over sexually as well and as I've gotten older the *NEED* for these to happen is getting worse and everyday I wish something would happen to me, I've always been fit and healthy and over the last few years the way I put it is my body is falling to bits and I couldn't be happier, I had surgery on my stomach and that left me so I couldn't psychically walk for that night and I loved it, I felt free for the first time and by the next day I could walk again and I felt so disappointed by it I just want that feeling back that I had, I've thought about cutting off my foot so many times and I hate the sight of waking up each morning to it being there, at the moment the doctor has found a dead bone in my foot and it's been there for over a year and gangrene is just starting to set in with a slight change of skin tone above the dead bone, now I just want to leave it and let gangrene take its toll so they will have no choice but to amputate it and everyday I think about stabbing my foot to make it hurry up and get worse, I just want to be rid of it, I've even thought about stabbing into my own back to severe my spinal cord in two so in no way it can be repaired, I would love to talk to anyone about this because until last night I always thought I was alone in my crazy obsession.
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

there is a professor at zurich university hospital who made a clinic research about biid (also called xenomelie) and many newspapers were reporting about it recently. maybe you could contact him. his name is peter brugger.
i have biid too and would like to have my leg amputated above knee. what i'm doing is pretending with crutches or prostheses, i like it very much but i think its nothing compared to being a real amputee.

I don't have BIID, but I know you're not alone. Have you watched Quid Pro Quo?