Wishing A Diagnosis Would Mean More Treatment Options
So I spoke to a doctor today, interviewed for a study. I could tell from the description in the ad that they were seeking people with BPD. I'm not sure anyone ever officially gave me the diagnosis, but after years of treatment, lots of doctors just discuss the things that can be medicated (depression, anxiety, moods swings). After talking about all the medications I'd been on, my life, my emotional reactions and my hospital visits, she told me I was oviously borderline, assumed that I'd already been told since it was so clear from my past. It might even be in my charts somewhere. Maybe none of my doctors realized how important it was to me to know what I was dealing with, none of them realized the importance of giving it a name. But today I got confirmation.
Unfortunately my therapist hunt hasn't been so fruitful. I've been reading about schema therapy, and I decided that made the most sense. Living in a big city seems like it would provide lots of options, even for someonewithout much money, so I emailed people to see if they took managed Medicaid. None of the people on the list take any insurance. It's so frustrating how much money it takes to get decent medical care when you're struggling with a mental illness that can make it difficult for you to even make enough to support yourself!
To top it off, one letter said this:
Dear Ms *****,
I am not the man for you.
I am 84 years old and, if indeed your problem is borderline personality disorder, you will need to find someone who can be available for 10 years. With a skillful schema therapist treatment may be much shorter, but I feel that one needs to find a therapist who will be available for a fair stretch of time. I am in good health and still have all my faculties, but at my age I feel it would not be fair or even ethical to take you on.
This is all before we get to the questions of insurance, etc....
So basically, "Sorry, sweetie, but I can't help you. I'm not in poor health, but there's a good chance I'll be dead before you get any better."
*Sigh* Well, at least I know what I'm working with now.