My Bpd Story

I'm not very articulate and have zero confidence in my writing ability but I will try to tell you my story none the less. I need to get this down somewhere. I hope I don't bore folks too much! I'll try to be concise..
I was diagnosed with bpd about 3 years ago and since then my life has become unrecognizable to what it once was.
4 years ago I had reached a real high point in my life- I had gotten completely on top of the mental health problems that I had struggled with all my life. My 2 boys were happy and doing well in school.  We were living in a lovely flat in a nice part of town with an a fantastic view. I had a great job which I loved, great colleagues and a great boss. I had good things in my life ,family, friends, a social life, hobbies. I was a single parent but I loved it. Life was sweet.
Then I started a new relationship, relationships were always a problem before because they seemed to bring out all my symptoms and never worked out. But I was sure it was going to be alright this time as I was doing so well and felt I had matured enought to handle it.
Sadly it became a difficult relationship, fraught with insecurity and soon I started becoming unwell. Things just went from bad to worse and soon I had developed an unhealthy obsession with this person and got even more unwell. I am so ashamed of what went on that I barely dare to write it as I may be judged, and to be honest I'd have to take the criticism on the chin.
I became seriously unwell and stopped caring for myself at all, went off work on permanent sick leave. I began to self medicate with drugs and alchohol and developed serious addiction issues as a result. The relationship ended which in time I began to see as a blessing but not then. I spent all my money and ended up being evicted from our lovely flat. We spent Christmas camping out at a friends house and although my brother was there to put us up we were technically homeless for 6 weeks until getting another place, not so nice at all and much smaller with an extortionate rent but we needed somewhere and felt I had no choice.
This is the bit bit that still fills me with intense guilt and shame. As my illness progressed my boys gradualy retreated in to their own worlds and began to fend more or less for themselves. We barely spoke or barely spent any time together. I was completely unable to care totally for them. I would wake up every day and not want to live, I self harmed. They were 15 and 12 at the time. I eventualy had a breakdown in 2007 and spent 11 weeks in an acute psychiatric ward and the boys father started talking to me about me giving them up and letting them go and live with him. I was so lost I almost did but thank God I didn't.
I had to give up my job as I was taking so much time off sick and didn't know when I was going to be well again and felt it was unfair to my colleagues and my boss.
Three years on I am proud to say I've been sober and clean for almost a year and have not self harmed for the same time. My boys and I are still together, they are 18 and 15 now. My older boy is off to uni this year and my youngest has almost completed his standard grades. They are both sweet, caring, funny, friendly amazing kids and I'm so proud of them and the way they coped and came out the other side of the hard times they went through. They saw alot in the months that I was acute. I thank God for them every day 
Although my relationship with them is a 100 % better and they're doing fine I have as yet been unable to forgive myself for what happened when I was ill. Even though I can accept I was ill I still feel deep deep guilt and shame on a daily basis. All day every day I torture myself and loathe myself for who I was back then. It has been building up over the past few months and now I find myself in a position where I cant stop hating myself.
No amount of therapy is going to convince me that I'm not an inherently bad person who deserves to suffer. I know as I've been in therapy for almost 3 years. I feel that I should just accept that this is my lot in life and I should just get on with it.
I don't have my old coping strategies to fall back on so I just feel chronically empty most of the time when I'm not putting myself down. Nothing going in nothing coming out. Nothing to say or give. I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just having a great big moan, maybe I am.
Sadly I have no friends to confide in any more as most friendships melted away when I was ill and in active addiction. The 2 people I do still have know nothing of what's going on as I choose not to tell them. Don't want to burden and bore them and just can't seem to get close or connect to people at all.
I feel I have nothing in common with anyone else and that that is my fault. I'm getting confused now and rambling on a bit.
I guess what I just want to say is that I'm coping with this illness on a daily basis and not doing very well right now. I often feel I have the mentality of a teenager trapped in a 42 year old womans body!
My life revolves around my boys, home, my part time voluntary jobs and not much else. I live on disability benefits which makes me feel like a loser. I'm sorry if this has been a boring read or if I sound self pitying, I don't mean to. I just hope to find people who identify with me. I wish I had something more positive to say.
Eggyegg Eggyegg
46-50, F
10 Responses May 31, 2010

I understand how you feel. I have lived that same way, and I still do.

I\'m fortunately feeling better now :) Are you getting any help?

I think it is a good idea to avoid romantic relationships unless the person already understands the diagnosis and is willing to employ the SET skills from DBT (Set stands for support, empathy and truth).

Basically any guy who dates a girl with bpd should be very f**king special. You deserve more than an ordinary relationship, never settle.

I too have bpd and I have made many poor decisions getting involved with less than extraordinary men and it hurt sooo much! It created a disaster inside my heart & brain where before there was order.

Living with bpd doesn't have to be lifelong, many survivors of this illness profess that they were cured by learning new skills for coping, replacing negative addictions with positive ones AND increasing their self worth. That is currently my mission.
Please add me as a friend and we can email each other. I too need people to talk to about this. :-)

Definitely not boring.Good to hear you are on top of it ,or you have it under control.The benefits
Are there to help.Every day is a new challenge.Good luck .

Thanks weewass. I'm glad to say that things are even better now. I'll maybe get round to writing about it sometime :)

If you would like to chat please hit me, I'm around here a lot.

Thanks :)

Hi:)<br />
I'm 14 years old and I've been suffering from emerging BPD since I was 9, I self harm on a daily basis and I can't seem to stop, it's like an addiction, the whole stasfaction and release from it all. I've had several visits to ICU's through serious overdoses, as I hate myself so so much:(, I really understand were you are coming from, I want to get better but sometimes I feel if I do then people won't care for me, it's hard to get out of the whole 'patterns' as my therapist calls them, I want to find a solution to everything make everything get better and life to be good, but I don't know what to do. I get obsessive attachments also. It's the most difficult issue I have. I hate it, everything seems to make me sad. I was in an acute ward for 18 months and it's was so horrible, I just cried all the time, my family are very supportive but I am not allowed to live with them due to my risk of overdose, so I went into care, I'm still in and out of acute wards, and it's hard, I don't feel like I belong anywhere and always feel like I'll feel better if I'm somewhere else. It's hard and I know that, but having my emerging disorder have motivated me to help other people with mental health problems. I really really hope that's you get everything you want in life. Stay strong, just keep making small steps, life will feel alot better eventually, I promise:)

Thank you for your comment Jessica it was nice of you to take the time. I'm doing ok these days, going back to therapy for a bit as I'm still not over the self loathing and anxiety but I'm getting there. I don't hate myself quite so much as I used to but am still down on myself on a daily basis and being a bit obsessive. But nothing too major. It's ups and downs all the time with this illness but I'm on good medication so it keeps some of the bad stuff at bay if that makes sense?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your family that must be hard especially at your age. Glad they are being supportive though it really helps. Sometimes our loved ones just don't know what to do with us.
It's great that you feel motivated to help others, judging by you reply to me I feel it's something you would be good at. I think the best therapists often are ppl who have been there themselves, personal experience counts for alot.
I hope you are good this evening and if you ever need to talk I'm on here most evenings.

You're not alone. There are tons of others like us. It is hard, I know. I'll gladly be your email buddy if you like. Instead of rejecting my illness, I am trying to understand it and find friends who can understand how I feel. Nobody can unless they themselves have BPD it's a hellish existence sometimes, isn't it<br />

Hi there I have just noticed that you commented on my story. Thank you..Can I add you as a friend?

Hello. I read your note, b/c I am on the other side. My husband is a sex addict - he's going to meeting now and is working on his sobriety, but I feel torn apart and looking for answers.... I am just so confused --- stay w/ him, leave, go through another time of hoping and starting to care for him again, all to be crushed and lied to -- it's been a pattern over 12 years now.. not sure why I stay -- it's the promises -- but then they are ALWAYS broken... My heart goes out to you and I hope you can make your goals and see progress. Especially for your lovely children... Love them, love yourself, and take one day at a time!

Your story is the first life story I have read since even hearing about BPD. I went to my doctor's on Tuesday and have been actively researching this new discovery. I am scared but it explains a whole heck of alot. I want to thank you for sharing your story. I wish for you to be strong, which I know is easier said then done because I too am constantly up and down. I suppose we can only take one day at a time....and to heck with those that wish to judge, if they walked a mile in our shoes, they would sing a different tune. We cannot undo what has been done. If we allow ourselves to think that way, we will miss out on all the true moments that make it all good!! Remind me that I said that:)

Your poor dad that's such a shame. You are right about the past and how life is about the small things. Took me a long long time to realise these things, and to grow up a bit. My illness I can't help but I have too long wallowed in negativity and pessimism like your dad and I can help that. Anyway I'm feeling so much better than the day I wrote this. Such is the nature of bpd but also it's a good time to seize the oppurtunity to do some good stuff and yes, keep up the good work.. Thanks for your words it's great to have the oppurtunity to get things off my chest. I'm normally not too great at sharing but am getting there!

Hey thanks for the comment. I think I understand what you're saying and yes for along time I have let my illness control me and just willingly accepted that that's just the way it is. I'm starting now, through therapy, to gain more control over symptoms/feelings and take back some power. I'm tired of being a victim and see that it's a mentality that's very non productive.

Hey thanks for the comment x