Is There Any Part Of Me That Is Me? Or Am I Just Bpd?

Ever since I have been diagnosed late last year, it's been a blessing and a further confusion within myself - of who I am and what I am capable of.

It's good that I finally feel less alone and relieved to learn that all the crazy emotions and behavior is the symptoms of BPD - that the reason I couldn't function; or keep jobs, locations or relationships; or heal from depression and anxiety is because of BPD. But then, it seems all of my good qualities - like my intelligence, empathy, being fun, charming, unpredictable, adoptable, seductive, the ability to get people do what I want... all the high notes - are the characteristic of BPD as well. So is there any part of me that is ME? Or am I, as a person, just BPD?

I would say that I am an honest person. And for anyone that knows me will say that I am an extremely honest and trustworthy person. But the truth is, I feel like I a liar all the time, because of how unstable and subtly manipulative I am. I try my best to keep everyone happy, and to do so, I must keep myself a part, I must keep a distant from those I love and those who want to help me. I have this constant fear and awareness that I may be contaminating people's happiness or well-being - that though I fake my own wellness, I worry that people would still be affected by the negative energy that is seeping out of my pores. Sometimes I hold my breath in order not to breath out the darkness.

The amount of times I spend in lying to myself and others, because I didn't want to burden or freak out anyone is countless - it seems like a full-time just to keep appearing normal. It's getting to the point I find it too tiresome to keep the facade perfect. I am starting to let it slip here and there. Perhaps it's a good thing. Perhaps I will end with nothing and die in the fear that I've worked so hard to prevent.

I don't know anything any more. I don't trust what I know - and I certainly don't trust myself or others to know what is right for me. The only faith I hold is that there is a God, and that 'he' loves us all equally. That I will be helped.
watchfulsoul watchfulsoul
26-30, F
8 Responses Jul 9, 2010

Oh my god! I am so glad someone feel this way too n does the running water thing:D I get ask if I am okay all the time for this reason, but I have never told anyone that's what I do in there.

I always wondered why I was drawn to water... and why I could sit still forever near a lake...! That makes SO much sense.<br />
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And I don't think the bathroom-water-thing is strange at all... I do it myself all the time!<br />
If I am anxious or feel anything uneasy (even just being around too many people), I go into the bathroom and run water (usually warm water) over my hands. Some times I spend so long in the bathroom, people come and say "are you alright?" I get mesmerized by water.<br />
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All of my best memories center around water. I once hiked up high in the hills and swam in the woods in a river that was flowing down and carving out huge basins as it went. I could have stayed there all my life.<br />
I have been to the ocean, and seen the miniature colored shells wash up gently on the shore, and then disappear as they buried themselves in the sand. <br />
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I could go on and on :)<br />
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So- Keep doing what you are doing! Even running water in the bathroom sink ;)

ApostolosVasilis, I know exactly what you're talking about.<br />
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I have both experienced it as a contaminator, and have felt it from others.<br />
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People's energy is very changeable - impressionable. It's why for some of us, being so sensitive, it's a good idea to stay away from negative media and negative people, but most of all, negative thoughts - of course, that is easier to say then done.<br />
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What I find helpful is to clear the energy, then be aware of not creating new negative energy. Of course, no one can avoid negative energy completely. But you can help center yourself in different ways - everyone finds different ways that works for them.<br />
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For me, i take a lot of baths - I exercise (Yoga, Pilates, dancing) - especially before or after social events. Water are known to absorb negative energy. So is relaxing, happy music and exercise burn off some of the negative vibe. At home, I light candles and incense to protect my own energy and those I live with. <br />
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When i am out, if I feel the darkness within me, I go into a park or near a tree, or any where there is a body of water - like a lake or fountain, sometimes even just go to the bathroom and fill the sink with water (I know this might sound a bit silly, but it works for me). I picture myself releasing the darkness into either the tree, and the tree will take it into mother earth and dissolve it. Or release it into the water ( I place my hand in the water, if I am alone or just image it ) Close your eyes, and take slow deep breaths as you picture the darkness going out of you and clear it all around you. Then picture a bright white light beaming from the sky onto your head and fill you up with pure light, until the light glows out of your pores. Thank the water, mother earth or God (whatever you believe in) for cleansing you of darkness and replacing it with love and light. Open your eyes, smile - and be confident.<br />
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Trust and believe that you bring beauty and kindness to wherever you go, who ever you meet. In time, you will see that it is true, and people will comment on noting the glow about you.<br />
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Good luck, sweetie - I hope this helps:)<br />
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I find that people

I'm so relieved that I have found this site. Yesterday I had it confirmed by my therapist that I have BPD and only this morning I started to wonder whether I will change dramatically with treatment and whether in the past I have been 'me' or just 'BPD'? Or will I be me or BPD? I do not know anyone else with it thought I presume some of the girls in my birth family have it. I do wish you all the best and I'm sure we shall be us as special as we are. Good luck everyone. Dee

Thank you for your comments, ladies. It's comforting to hear that you can relate to how I feel - I don't know anyone else in my life that has BPD - but after reading your comments and other's stories, I realized that having a mental illness does not have to mean isolation, though at times it feels so.<br />
Crimsonpoppy, thank you for your insights. I will learn to accept and love myself as I am, and try not to over analysis the whys and the whats. Life is for the living, I will do my best to build something worthwhile and forgive myself for the past and the imperfections.

Wow. I can relate to your story SO much. Thank you for sharing :)

It's very important for people who has BPD to be in a supportive and safe environment. If you partner isn't being that, than it very likely will make things worse. Try to find a good friend or a trusted professional to help you get through this. There is light at the end of all this - I am sure of it. Be patient and good to yourself - be the person that looks after you. <br />
Hope things gets better for you - hug!

If BPD is accurate for me-I feel the same way. Counselor suggested this to my husband for both of us-he now dismisses everything about me as just mental illness.<br />
My trust is destroyed. How do I know what reality is-and isn't reality subjective.<br />
I am tired of hurting. Labels can make a person become a self full filling story.<br />
Characteristics of many mental illnesses are situational-I just do not know-I just can say I really am there with you with the confusion and pain-abusive spouse may simply have my number and found my self doubts and weaknesses-using them to absolve himself of any responsibility or accountability to my reactions, behaviors and respopnses.