Ok, so I just found out I have bpd, I was told since I was 14 I was bi polar, and so been a ton of different medications throughout my life. I was on lithium and drinking when one night i blacked out (this has been happening often when i drink and so I no longer drink lol) and founf myself trying to jump off an over pass. The next couple days I was still so dark and depressed, I went to the hospital and spent an entire day int he emergency room waiting to get into the psych ward. It was the best thing I could have done because during my stay they figured out that I am bpd and not bipolar. So life goes on...right.... well, I struggle with myself often, at times everything is wrong and nothing fixes anything, at times I want to just run away but every where I run there I am.... and truthfully it is me I am running from right. I am currently waiting to get into dbt therapy, but the waiting list is like a year long. I have call counsilers and explained what I need but none have called me back, they say bpd is tricky to deal with on the counsilers angle. I get all that but I have reached out and asked for help yet here I sit, same problems, at times I wounder what the point was.... it did me no good, but now everyone knows there is something wrong with me lol. I am rambling, I guess I am just looking to not feel as alone as I feel some days. I am not crazy, just really unstable lol.l
jitterbuggg83 jitterbuggg83
26-30, F
2 Responses Jul 14, 2010

a trip is even putting it lightly. I agree tho, with your theary on us being very bright and creative people, I used to write tons of poetry as a teen, but it scared some people so I stopped lol. I am happy I found this site tho as it helps me feel less alone with this issue. I was told I was a rapid cycling bi polar too. but when I told that to the dr's in the hospital they told me different, but I never would have figured that out had I not snapped and gone to the psych ward lol.

You and me too. I have what's called "rapid cycle" bi polor disorder and this is a seriouly difficult one to deal with. I don't hear you ramble at all, you are like me somedays I feel out of control but this is the life I was given and I just have to live it as best I can. It may well be torture ,for real as you don't seem able to shut it off and it is so wearing to the body ,mind and spirit. Unless one has it they can't even begin to know it's powers over our moods. The depression kept me isolaed for years and as for the mania which iis still a a part of the depression just dequised as being up and even high We are sometimes annoying to others which, yet often much more intelligent than the average person At first it is so humiliating and terribly troublesome to our families that you just want to disappear sometimes. I am coveinced however we have some qualities that are a result of this desease that give us the abilitiy to write and create more than our share of good to this world . We know how to connect some dots in our head that are not always discovered by the average Joe. We are for the most part very bright and creatve people as well as generous to a fault . But for whatever reason we have this diorder it can be treated and life can become interesting , to say the least. I am outragiously out going and friendly yet watch out there because as nice as I can be I can also be a bitter pill to take. I have many freiends who love me but I don;t have to point it out that I am different anymore because everyone is in their own way, besides I try to not allow myself using the label around just anyone because people have alot of preconceived notions that twe are dangerous which is so far from the truth. We ahve the ability to identify with so many others and they usually appreciate our input into problems. I am apart of the solution today and not the problem, I take my meds and respect this illness very much as well as fear it at times. Good life to you...it's a trip...huh ?