Devastation

I can relate to so many of the stories here..When I was 14-15, with my first boyfriend, I'd get jealous when he got volunteering jobs in the summer instead of being with me,and I remember calling him all the time on a couple of ocassions, one when he just got back from holidays with his family to make sure he hadn't forgotten about me,and the other times I'd call after his day of volunteering because I felt left out,and jealous...It makes sense now,but at the time it didn't,
I just found out I had BPD about a year ago,and was angry that if the doctor knew about it sooner,then why didn't she tell me? I found out when I called her to have my files transferred,after moving an hour away to a new town. I was shocked that she had kept it from me!

Now I'm still jealous,suspicious,and paranoid about everyone around me,and don't go out often,because I know that my mind will start telling me that everyone who's laughing is laughing at me,and if they look at me,it's because I look funny,or I did something dumb..it's hell.
I don't socialize well because I think no one will like me. I get jealous of my sister,and always have been.My parents weren't the best back then.There was alcoholism, fighting, and not feeling secure around them.There was a time I remember waking upĀ  I..was about 6-7, but I can't remember. Anyway, I had woken up from sleeping one night,but my parents weren't there! I felt scared and abandoned..so I ran over to the neighbor's,and there they were, drinking,and having a good old time...I remember having panic attacks ( I was having one one night,in bed,and thought as I dying so I went over to my Grandma's next door as I thought I would rather die over there for some reason,but couldn't stay there and went back home),and insomnia around that time..Later,when we moved, there was a birthday party for our friend ( I was about 10) I had done something wrong,but my mom being drunk,went into a rage,and chased me home (2-3 houses away) then kicked me in the stomach,and as I lay on the floor,crying,she told me to go to my room,and then went back to the party. I was always on edge with them,(my parents) as I was always worried about whether they'd be drinking again,and fighting..
I won't ever forget the huge fight they had after going to some exhibition in the small town we moved to...It was the worst,most violent one they ever had,and I know it affected me deeply..Let's just say my dad almost killed my mom,when he went out to the shed and got an axe,and was trying to get her thru the closed screen door...it was horrifying,and I almost called the police..what a thing to do in front of your kids...my sister and I were outside,watching. Then one day,I wanted to ask the liquer store if they could close down,so my parents couldn't get any more booze.
I hate to admit it,but yes,my parents contributed to me having borderline personality disorder.

I don't cut,tho. I have rages over stupid things.. recently,I was at my mom's celebrating my nephew's 13th birthday,and poor little me felt left out..when I told mother this,she got mad,and now I can understand why. (But i don't think she knows I have this..or just won't admit it)
Either way,the effects of this disorder are devastating to everyone.
cryingoveryou cryingoveryou
41-45, F
1 Response Jul 15, 2010

Honey, that is terrible. What is there available to provide some relief? You sound intelligent enough to understand that none of this is true. How can the divide take place then? How can you arrive at the place within you where you KNOW that your mind is LYING to you? And you STOP believing your mind? That your mind is a bit sick and requires some ignoring so it will let YOU Live. What do you think might help? Life is wonderful and you are suffering more than the inherent pain in Living, which no one escapes; your suffering is over the top. I wish to be able to help you sweetie. Here's a hug.