Which Way Is Up??!

Im a wee bit lost.

Completly at a loss of how to start my thoughts onto paper, i was never one for keeping diaries of journals but now my head is so full of stuff i think im going to give it one last try.

Well its a bit of a story i want to tell over time, mostly for my own reference,no one elses, however i still struggle to find the words to write these things down.

I'll start at the beginning of the journey im currently on ( or should that be i'll start somewhere in the middle of the journey i've always been on). On the 8th June 2010 my father was convicted at Glasgow high court on 4 charges of lewd, indecent and libidinous practices and behaviours towards children and has now been placed on the sex offenders register.

Since then it feels like my mental health has not as such taken a dive because that would be an incorrect statement, however has become more prolific, as my mood swings are swinging like a pair of saggy breasticles in a hurricane.

My mental health has always been an issue for me, its something im scared of so much, its a label i dont want, a box to fit in and for people to judge me. Its especially stressing out for me because im scared incase i get diagnosed with what i think is actually wrong with me and it will affect my life long relationship, my future and my dreams.

When i first went to my doctor back in 2006 and rather than listen to what was really going on, doing an assesment or whatever it is these professionals do to diagnose mental health, i was written off as just being depressed because my mum had not long passed away (Oct 2005), however when i went to contact 'Cruise' the berevement charity, they told me i wasn't eligible for councelling as there was issues in my past that they thought were more prolific (They were able to deduce that from a 2 min phone call where i asked for some leaflets to be sent to me, they never arrived). From the early days of finding a quiet voice (through the strength of my partner) to ask for help for my mental health, i've been rebuffed at everytime. This just makes me feel worthless and not worth the time to repair my broken mind. Or do they just see me as damaged goods and now simply only worth raggy doll reject status.

The last couple of weeks i've been becoming more and more aware of my mood instability, neediness, socially withdrawn and inept, unable to work, feeling like im a drop out. (A few days after the court case i was diagnosed with Adjustment Reaction Disorder, however the symptoms i went with were not completly new, just intensified because of the stress) I've been doing my research and i've found something that matches ALL my symptoms, and however unattractive they seem to read them, (hence the tears pouring down my cheeks!!) i know im my heart that it's like reading about me.
Im so terrified of admitting this out loud, that it will be like chasing my dreams ever further away down a long path that is already so far away. The condition is Borderline Personality Disorder.

So im currently sitting writing this and thinking about the up coming dreaded doctors appointment on monday (which i have successfully managed to put off since last week, mainly because im regulary at a huge loss of words when the doctors sits me down and says 'so?'!! the stress that alone causes... feels like there screaming fraud before i even open my mouth. Not all my doctors, my current one is brill (who i will call Dr H), however he is away on leave at present so i have to go see someone i can talk even less to. Dr H knows my partner aswell so allows her to come in and pretty much speak for me, he understands my dependance when i go to the surgery which i feel the other doctors are not so comfortable with.

Soooo....Right my thought pattern has been lost now, dont know where i was going next from here, but i think i might have shared enough today, But if not i'll be back to write somemore.

Thank you for listening my wee blank pages filled without judgement.

GingersTinytoes GingersTinytoes
26-30, F
Jul 17, 2010