Feels Hopeless

hi there, i'm 19years old and was diagnosed with bpd with impulsivity 9months ago, but i believe to have suffered from the condiction since i was 13, i have been this way since that age... i'm now pregnent and am struggiling more then ever... i'm constantly confused, worried and scared. i can never predict how im going to feel or wot will trigger me into a rage and am constantly scared ill self harm again.. im scared of being a mum an having someone dependant on me when i can barley look after myself. i have to b around people to feel happy, but it doesnt stop my mind from circulating and questioning everything. when im alone i regret being alive and then my baby moves and i feel endless guilt. i was sectioned in feburary after an overdose and running out of hospital rejecting treatment after i was raped and they let me go because i dont suffer from a mentle illness. i dont understand how people with this disorder who cant control there emotions or control there reactions can just be disregarded by proffesionals because they dont hear voices in there head. how can i be responsible for my actions when i cant control them? when i dont feel safe? i cant understand it. all i want is to get better and to get help, but no one will help me, the psychotherapy has already taken 8months on the waiting list and i dont no wen ill recieve it, if i recieve it. so how can i get better and find strength or hope when i constantly have doubt and negitivity locked into my head.... i was on 40mg of anti depressants, 25mg of moodstabilizers that i had to take twice a day and 7.5mg of zopiclone to help me sleep before i was pregnent, they were starting to help. but i havent had any for 5months now and dont no wen ill b allowed again since i want to breastfeed my child, and i really cant cope. my bf has lung cancer and he suffers from bpd and dissocial pd too, and i feel like nothing will ever get better. i cant just pick up a phone wen i feel low coz wen i feel like that i dont get a thought into my head of talking about how i feel coz i dont nessersarily know how i feel. i write a diary, but still i have to be in a certain way to write in it. i dont know what to do anymore... im running out of options.
in my opinion this condition needs to b treated more severly and not just brushed aside. i told the doctors i still wanted to kill myself and die and was discharged with sleeping pills... wot will it take for this to be taken seriously?
georgieb georgieb
2 Responses Jul 18, 2010

sounds like uve had it worse then me, luckily the man who attacted me is gettin charged, and its going to court soon. I just hope the peice of dirt would get run over by a bus then go inside to b honest, but at least he wont be able to do it to someone else again. And yeh i know what u mean, after I caused myself liver damage and rufused the treatment to get better they have me more meds lol. they only gave me a weeks supply because of the overdose but i just laughed in there face and told them to give me 2 months and let me finish the job propperly.. <br />
i think all people like us can do is stick together and support eachother, people who dont suffer with this cant understand what its like to feel negitive all the time and have a lack of respect for urself and are most of the time unable to care for ourselves like 'normal' people. The only thing keeping me going now is the baby inside me, if not i know i would be dead.. we just have to find something that we can hold onto that gives us a reason thats good enough to live... <br />
maybe even a potition for the medical services to recognise what people like us need and to give ideas that we think might actually help us, coz they certainly dont. Keep strong x

wow! you sound so much like me. i was rapped in february and the hospital, police did nothing. my family doctor gave me sleeping pills bc he said all i needed was sleep. in may i was rapped again and i went back to my doctor and said i can't take how i'm feeling anymore. he did nothing. may 28th i overdosed on my meds. i took 900mg of cipralex and my ex boyfriend at the time was talking to me when he clued into what i did and called the police. i had disabled my bladder for two days, once i was medically cleared i went to the psych ward for three days. the therapist sat me down and asked me why i did it. i told him what had been happening to me, he laughed. two days later i was sent home with three times medication then before i overdosed. its like he was saying well if you really want to get the job done, now you can. i'm still depressed and i got no help. you're right! just because we don't hear voices, doesn't mean there isn't a problem. so why isn't the problem being taken as seriously as someone who does hear voices?