I'm Reading This Over And I Feel Nothing

The worst my BPD got for me was when I overdosed on my medication,almost two months ago. In six months, I had gone through a break up of a year and a half, I was raped twice by two different men, I had quit my job of 3 years and started a new one, and was doing a course online. I couldn’t take the overwhelming feeling I always had, my depression got worse and worse, and my doctor refused to increase my medication. I just got so upset and I wasn’t sleep anymore. i was so depressed and hated all the changes going on in my life, even though some of them were for the better. I took 900mg of cipralex. I had planned it for 2weeks. I was scared shitless as I knew how it would effect my body. I had talked to my ex after I did it. I lived alone and suddenly had a fear. What if no one comes up here and checks on me? What if its weeks or months before someone finds me? I ended up disabling my bladder, I had a cathedar in me for two days to constantly flush all my meds out, and had my stomach pumped. My parents came to see me and they were shocked. I am a cutter, and used to be an acoholic; but they never knew my depression could get this bad. But when I became medically cleared, I went to the physic ward. I wasn’t feeling as depressed anymore. But I was devastated I had failed. How could i have done that to myself? I planned it for weeks, and still I told someone.  I have to admit something that out of everything, is the hardest for me to admit. I am scared shitless of myself! I get overwhelmed easily, I don’t react well to changes, I throw myself intently into relationships even if they aren’t as big as I think they are. I have issues with getting rid of people in my life, even if they aren’t good for me. And i have very destructive coping skills.I’m hoping that with different medication and a healthier lifestyle I can overcome this disorder.
A nurse in the ward said somethings to me before I went home, “ you have been labeled as someone with borderline personality disorder. Don’t let that be the thing that defines you. You are a strong, education woman. You take anything away from what you did to yourself, its that you didn’t ask for help in time. But don’t let this disorder or label stop you from doing what it is you want to do. You’re not crazy. You just get emotionally unstable sometimes. But keep going forward, or you’ll end up staying in a place like this for good.”
What she said spoke to me in a time when I needed it most. Yes, I have gone through **** in my life. But pain is pain. Everyone has hard times. Its up to me to ask for help if I feel too depressed or overwhelmed and want to take my life. I’m hoping that one day, I won’t have this constant nagging feeling. I don’t know why i let things from even when I was little bother me, I can’t seem to let things go. Hope I find peace soon.
cisa cisa
22-25, F
Jul 23, 2010