The Rage Is Seeping Back.

And to be honest, I am scared. Not for me, but those around me. I don't generally hurt others - I would go to a great length to protect those around me from my own rage. I used to go as far as harming myself - to release the poison enough, so others don't have to suffer it as much. But still, I know it had affected them. Just like their flaws had affected me.

What I am most concern about atm is the girl I am living with. She's not a bad person, but my god, she annoys the crap out of me.

I know my emotional respond is over reactive. I know she doesn't think she is doing any harm. But seriously, I don't think i should live with her. I know a normal person would just ignore her, or tell her off, or gently teach her some manners and sensitivity, but the rage that was bubbling beneath my chest was all I can feel - all I can focus on from boiling over - from spitting and lashing out at her face.

I know I have issues with women - I generally see them as beautiful foreign creatures. I like to admire them from afar, and occasionally caress them up close. I am very kind, romantic and generous to them. But God knows I can not stand close space relationship with them - not for long term. I have never been able to be close to a female emotionally, not without some sort of upheaval. Not without some thing breaking.

Of course, it really does depend on the personality. I don't mix well with girly types of females, especially those spoiled ignorant kind. I would literally be fuming with 'hatred', picturing how to ripe their narrow-minded little heads off. I wouldn't say anything. I'd still try so hard to be composed, to be kind, to be fair. But the energy speaks and arouses fear for itself. Which no one, including myself can understand. I am a person that people would call their angel, their shinning star. I am in most cases, gentle, wise and understanding beyond the norm. So how can I have so much rage - 'unexplained' and 'unreasonable' rage?

I now know it's BPD.

For a while, I thought I had conquered this part of me. I had not broken anything in the house out of impulse anger. I have not cut or bruise myself. I had not snapped and screamed at anyone (much) in the recent years. But in the last month, it's coming back. It's coming back with all the people that had play a part in my history - the history I thought I had closed the book on. Whether it's fate, or my subconscious, something has aroused the demons within. Out of all my flaws, this is one I perhaps have the least control.

I guess the timing is here - the test have been set.

But do I understand? Have I learned? Have I - wIll I - passed?

God, help me. I can not do this alone - I need your protection - for me, for those who loves me, and those that annoys me.
watchfulsoul watchfulsoul
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 29, 2010

Thanks Winter:)