I Don't Want My Entire Life To Be Ruined.

I've been in and out of therapy since elementary school, and I've had different diagnoses...no one will properly diagnose me. I've been researching for years trying to find answers and probably about 6 months ago, I found the term. Borderline personality disorder. I've been through website after website and I've actually cried reading different material because I can relate so much.

My boyfriend tries so hard to understand. He came out to his family for me; he's done so much for me. And I've turned into the devil. I need to know what he's doing all the time. If he's 2 minutes late I yell at him. If he doesn't say things in the right tone I yell at him. And I hate myself for everything. I feel like I've become this bottomless pit of despair.

I contacted a therapist today who specializes in BPD and despite the fact that he's an hour and half away, I was more than willing to make the drive if it would help...it turns out that even with my insurance I can't afford it. And it seems like no one in my area is trained to deal with this disorder.

Please tell me I'm not alone.
outofthewreckage outofthewreckage
22-25, M
4 Responses Jul 29, 2010

I live in Latvia. That's a tiny country up in EN Europ where having menthal diagnosis is something you better hide or let them lock up your self as you would have a leprosy.. <br />
My biggest dream is to realize a project that would finaly give the possibility for people here, having mood, behaviors, eating, personality, etc. disorders, to get help, to have groups, therapysts, all sorts of support, to get possibility to learn abt theyr illness and problems, to have people alike around, to have friends, to have place, where they can come even just to drink coffee, talk or sit in silence and just feel ok nowing that noone looks at him like at psycho... I just don't know where to start and how to get people interested in that. I guess it would be even hard to finde somebody who would willingly admit - he has some disease and wants to get helped.<br />
<br />
anyway - I hope this day for you is nicer than the last one ! :)

Thanks for the comments. <br />
<br />
Moontides- I know the feeling of being emotionally drained. I'm so tired half the time and it's not from any sort of phyiscal labor. <br />
<br />
Wristcutter- I'm so sorry that you don't have the network available to you for help. Where do you live?

ooh, honey... be strong !! keep looking for help! talk with people, ask questions in all the BPD support web pages. sooner or later things has to move on towards your getting help. important thing is that you want it. just be strong. <br />
i know how hard it is - not getting help. i'm in the same situation, only that in all my country there are no support or programs or whatever for BPD or other disorders... only if i go to private therapist, what would cost me abt 80 euros the hour, what i can't aford even in my dreams.. or i have to go in psich klinic for long time where i'll be feeded with meds till become a vegetable... that's all.. i've tried it once - never ever want to get back there ! so i'm now my own therapist and people on BPD pages are my support groups. It's hard! Ohh, sometimes even destructive and rushes in mandess... but it's better than nothing, and slowly, slowly, but it helps.<br />
Stay strong! Keep your faith! you are not alone.

You are not alone. I wish I could say more to help but I'm emotionally drained atm... it's not a good day.