Trying To Help Myself..

I'm a borderline mother, doughter, ex-wife, girlfriend, sister and friend.
Within 11 years i have been diagnosed with dapression, major dapression, mixed ED and several mood, behaviour and menthal disorders. Every new doctor, every next hospitalization gave me other diagnosis. Finaly a year ago 5 of them agreed with one final diagnosis - BPD with some other features.
The hardest isn't to accept and contend with being ill. Hard is to know and to see how i'm hurting, damaging and losing people and everything around me. Hard is to know how I would want to be and all the time to realize that i can't help myself to this direction, cause tomorrow maybe I'll think other way. Only what I know for sure is - I want my children to grow up feeling safe and happy, not suffer becouse of my disorder. Some day I think I know what and how I have to do things, but some day I don't know that anymore. The biggest problem is that I don't have any possibility to get any professional help, so I'm trying to help myself by reading, writing, chatting, questioning... Some day I'm preety sure I will make it. It will be long and hard way to go, but I will make it. Then again this idea seems to be nonesens and ridiculous.. I wish there would be at least someone supportive by my side. But only person - my mother - lives in other country, so she can't be here allways to support and to let me feel stronger in moments i'm felling down again. My ex-husband also lives in other country (he used to be very supportive and still is, just he's too far away), but my botfriend, who lives with me and knows abt my condition and have read and learned and talked out with me things abt BPD and how to help me with fighting by myself, actually seems to ignore and blame me and getting angry and irritated because of my mood and behavior swings, my tears, depressive moments... actually some times I feel like it would be better without him, couse he makes me feel even more damaged and wothless and troublesome.. But I'm too afraid of loosing him, so I never do anything abt it.. except sometimes after self-medication or alco abuse I'm just letting out all the hate i have for him.... after killing myself from feeling of guilt and miserable... begging to forgive and not to leave...
Anyway... I just wish I could find a way how to help myself really. How to fight on my own. How better to protect my children. 
IamAstarchild IamAstarchild
26-30, F
7 Responses Jul 30, 2010

thank you! havin a hell of a time! Gone through some of the same experiences !!

thank you !<br />
haven't been here for wile, but i'll be happy to talk to you sometimes :)

I am glad :) You have a pretty name too.<br />
I got a new username called daisychains1 so you should fan me on that instead. You said you just want one person to support you, if you ever want to talk about anything we can talk. :)<br />

Dear Kedarling,<br />
at the moment actualy I'm so emotional, that I can't formulate my thoughts..<br />
Anyway - i just wanted to tell Thank You a lot!<br />
I can't remember when last time someone touched my soul this way..!<br />
After posting this I'll my screen name will be changed as well as image.<br />
Thank you!<br />
<br />
I'm so sorry abt Your mom..! Wish you all the blessing and all the love in this world! Stay strong! You are smart and beautiful person..!

I have no idea what it would be like to be in your shoes, but my mom had borderline personality disorder and actually killed herself so I sympathize a lot with you. The brain is a powerful thing yet there are always ways to change your ways of thinking. Try to think that how ugly, worthless, terrible, crazy you believe you are, that it is not true and it is only your mind making you believe this. Your children are going to know there is something different about you. Accept that, and do not worry about hurting them more but instead try to be strong and find ways to avoid hurting them more. Make sure there are other people in their lives that they know love and care about them like their dad.<br />
Lastly, if you want to make a change the first thing you could do is change your screen name. You are labeling yourself as someone who is suicidal and always will be yet that can be changed.

ooh, that's so good that your uncle has support from family and as i could understand - the biggest support from his wife. I wish them all the best !<br />
Yes, i know i have to tell children so they can understand, but i don't know how.. my youngest is not ready yet ( she's only 3,5), but oldest is 10 and she knows, sees and feels somethings are not quite as we would want to.. she knows somethin's wrong with her mom, cause i had to explane my 2 last stayings in hospilat where they couldn't visit me... and my scarves and my reactions and behaviour... but i don't realy know how to explane excatly BPD. She's very sensitive girl and i'm afraid to hurt her more than I have done it already..

My uncle has bpd and iue seen how he suffers with it. Im so sorry that people dont understand ur struggle. The most important thing is to be honest to your kids. When they are old enough tell them about your illness and make sure that they know that you love them no matter how u act or feel sometimes. My cousins knew from a very young age that their dad was ill. My aunt was very honest and explained things at their level. They grew up just fine. And they appreciated the honesty. I wish u well.