I've Been Suffing For Years And I Just Realised Whats Casuing It. Bpd...

Everything I thought I'd accomplished has diminished. I know what it takes to be happy but it's difficult for me. I know I need to talk to somebody like a psychiatrist.
I think I have borderline personality disorder. I have all of the common symptoms for it.
Im unsure of who I am, as in my personal identity. I learned in middle school that if you never discover your identity that you could have emotional problems for the rest of your adult life and when I was 19 I thought i was in the clear. My self confidence was stellar, over the moon.
I thought i had everything figured out. Be positive about everyday living, live to the fullest, dont sweat the small things, do what makes you happy.....I was happy. Something about me wont stay happy though.
I've been in a relationship with a really great guy. I love him and i know he'd take a bullet and kill for me. It hurts me when i hurt him but i cant stop. I'm trying very hard not to drive him away, i know he won't stay with me forever if i keep acting this way. I lash out emotionally if he dosnt do something 'right', say if he makes me breakfast but the eggs are sunny-side instead of scrambled, I can get outraged. (My last relationship with a man lasted 4 years and ended because he annoyed the living hell of me. I couldn't control my anger towards him and i ended it. Im afraid this will happen between me and current boyfriend).
I dispise having a night out out with most of his friends, i never have fun because i never make an attempt to really talk to his buddies. I have a irrational fear of say, doing, or looking dumb. I get embarrassed when It's not needed... I have extreme social fears.
I use to self mutilate when i was a teenager, I haven't dont this since i was about 16 or so. Now adays, I binge eat, spend money I dont have on shoes clothes and make-up, and i abuse liquor. I sometimes begin to lose my footing on reality, witch is hard to explain. Sometimes I hope i'll wake from this science fiction and go back to my 'real life' (again it's hard to explain clearly to an outsider). I also feel like empty shell of what I once was. I fell lifeless, dull, uninteresting....
I was abused physically and sexually as a child. Dissociation is something I did a little too much when i was in middle/high school. Now I believe i drink to disassociate.

Im going to seek help this month when i see my doctor about my BC pills. I dont want this disorder to ruin my life.

I have more to write, but it's really late and it's getting hard to focus my eyes on the screen anymore :( Hopfully theres a way to edit this) Thanks so much for reading.
KungPOWKitten KungPOWKitten
22-25, F
5 Responses Jul 31, 2010

I think that one of our major problems and cause for this is that we have never had a natural way to release emotion or anger so it has all become bottled up and accidently slips without control. We just need to empty all the anger that is packed up but how? i completely agree with the will power cause its all in our brains after all. Its getting the will power and permanently sticking to it is the actual challenge. Yea and seriously who cares what people think.. but u kno that deep deep deep down it does bother you. Maybe just a little but its still there. Were human.

Thanks! I really don't think i need any online help, redbuck, i'm strong and i can do this with some therapy help. <br />
@ browneyes:<br />
I used to be extremely self-conscious, they way you described, back when i was young and still in middle school. After my epiphany i realized that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you all that matters is your own opinion on your self. I still get that way (not nearly as bad!) every now and then (like at interviews or at work) and very much so if i smoke alot of weed. <br />
And my boyfriend doesn't think i have a personality disorder o.O He just refuses to believe i BPD and he also doesn't believe he had ADD (and he most certainly does!). He doesn't discourage me or anything he just doesn't believe in thinjgs like personality disorders etc. He thinks with enough will power everything will be okay, and i agree. I just need some anger help for the most part.

I def get what you mean by terrified of looking dumb. It like this panic that everyone is watching your every move and breath and just going to judge you. And when someone just laughs or giggles you automatically think it was you. I really hate that feeling thats why i prefer being alone most of the time. Also when you mentioned that ur scared to drive the one you love away by how you are. Its like we take out this packed up rage out on them but what did they do to deserve it? And when you look at it we need their love the most. I really hope that your boyfriend understands what you are going through and sticks by your side through every second of your pain :)

idk if i can help, but ive always been good with this sort of thing, too much to write here especially since i dont know when you will get this, if u want my help then message me about the things in specifics n i will do anything i can 2 help, might as well try it right?

I can completly understand what your saying....please read my first and only post on here i wrote a few weeks ago now. IM going docs monday to ask to be referred asap if not then im going to pay privately for this, as i need some closure to how im feeling, espec since the progress of the court case. and delusionally i think by being properly diagnosed it will help stop some of the confusion of why i feel this way ( just like you do ( then i can get the help i need to progress. xxxx