Im Screaming And No One Is Listening

I just want this to go away this illness I have and maybe just maybe people wouldn't look down on me.Or maybe they would.Sometimes I cant look at myself in the mirror.I hate what i have become.This monster.No friends or family that care.I'm Angelina and this is how I feel today, and usually its everyday.I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder.I also suffer from major depression and anxiety, especially around crowds.I cant be in a store to long without freaking out inside.When i'm depressed i hide my feelings.Sometimes I have to keep to myself and can't even type without getting anxious.I feel at times the world hates me.There are times I hate myself. In the past i tried killing myself numerous of times, and cut my left arm.why? good question.i dont know why?  i was feeling a lone maybe? i have two kids! why would i do something so selfish? bringing it up and seeing my scars depresses me everyday.makes matters even worse.what if i hit an artery when i cut my arm? i had to have 4 stitches.the scar is ugly just like me.

angelina
sexymama42985 sexymama42985
22-25, F
4 Responses Aug 9, 2010

The pain can stop without suicide. There is hope:)

Thank you so much for helping me know that im not the only one!

thank u=]

I also have BPD and Bipolar so I understand how painfull life can be. I've spent the last 8 months consistenly working on myself as if it were a fulltime job. It's sooo hard to overcome these disorders, and I could imagine it to be even harder with kids. Even though I still have a lot of work to do on myself I have gotten much, much better. I've read multiple self help books and I definitely recommened reading some Eckhart Tolle. I have also found that getting in touch with my own inner child helps quite a bit because the inner child will bring you joy. I'm not religious but I do believe that there is a spiritual solution to these mental disorders but it does take a lot of motivation and trust which is something we often lack. The light is information and when we bring more information into our lives we become fulfilled. Negativity only has power over us if we give into it but through consciousness we can transened our self hatred because all it is is our ego or our pain body. You've made a good decison to join this group to express yourself and connect with others and now take another one. God leaves us a trail of breadcrumbs that will lead us out of the darkness which is why it's best to take the appropriate steps and put yourself in positions that will help you be open to them. Good luck with everything. You seem like a strong, strong women regardless of what you convince yourself.