Finally An Answer.. But Now What??

For as long as I can remember, I knew that there was something very different about me. I had absolutely no friends to compare myself to but generally just looking at people in school and friends my family would always visit.. i never had anyone. I was always alone and when there was someone i would be terrified to communicate with them and would be extremely uncomfortable. So i would usually prefer to be alone even though it was very painful. I remember my childhood very well because it was very traumatic. I was daily physically, verbally, and emotionally abused. I didn't know what to do with all the emotion.. mainly anger, rage, and hurt. Everything happened way too frequently so I could never react right away. I was usually way to hurt to even go through my life without crying 24/7. All this was happening around when I was 6 years old. I trained myself to bottle everything up and never to cry. Now even when i force myself to cry I still dont know how. I haven't shed a tear in years. Right now I am 20 years old and going through hell. I now know how to act and put that mask on my face to decieve all the people around me that I am this happy ecstatic go lucky person but underneath i am screaming at the top of my lungs. I absolutely hate attention because all ive ever gotten in my life was negative attention from everyone around; whether it was because i am overweight, dont have friends or some people would just make up stuff like how incredible rude i am or im wayyy too nice. It never made sense to me at all. i just wanted to be completely invisible. But i still wanted people. But when i was with people I felt completely left out. I dont know what i want or who i am. Its like there are soo many other different people inside of me yelling at each other and I dont know which one I am. I am actually terrified to find out my true personality. I am a reckless driver. I manage 4 tickets a week and enjoy zooming through the streets. Its the best feeling ever. But i also have many fears and phobias. My phobia are blood tests and needles. I pass out every single time. I hate the fact that I cant control this. I dont know why I am soo scared. It doesnt even hurt. So what triggers this?? I am terrified of heights and emotions; especially love. I dont know how to recieve it, give it, or even accept it. Trusting someone with your heart makes you so vulnerable. How on earth can someone do that? I did fall in love and hated my self for it so much. I hated how this guy just controlled me like that and just cause all the blood to rush to my face the moment his name is mentioned. I'm pretty sure he has BPD as well. We act identically and it ****** alot of people off. I treat him like crap to hide the emotions I have but once i act a little nice I kick myself in the face for it later. My "friends" get soo mad at me and the way I act. How i cant show any emotions except anger. They hate my temper and tell me to just calm now and stop overreacting. They don't get it and no one except for someone with BPD ever will. I feel soo alone and sad and am desperate for love, care, and comfort but can never seem to find it. I hate the fact that I am this way because it really has destroyed my life. I despise the person that caused me all this pain and will never forgive them. I went from a straight A student to barely capable of maintaining a 2.0 GPA. I dont know how to smile or laugh or be happy. The confusion is plain murder. My brain just keeps going to the point where I cant even sleep. I would just take a few of what ever pills I find infront of me to knock me out for a few hours. I feel so worthless like if I die then who would care. I'm dying to relieve the pain that just wont go away. Its like your falling into this deep dark endless whole that just won't end. I have come to hate myself in every aspect. The thing that I am thankful for though is that there is a name for this. And im not the only one going through this. Everyone just thinks that we are spoiled and all we want is attention but all we need is a chance. The rejection hurts but hurt is the only feeling I have come to know deeply.
browneyes199 browneyes199
18-21
Aug 9, 2010