Confused

I dont really know what is wrong with me. But I have come to accepting that I need help...

I had a few bad experiences like child abuse, bad marriage, obsessions....but now I am with this wonderful guy who is now my husband

The problem is...I get this urges of sudden hate and anger. I lash out at him, hit him, if there is nothhing, I even search and draw out something that would make him look bad. Then I go to this guilty, frantic stage, and cry so much, scream, and try to harm myself. I dont know how long he can take this. And often after these things happen, I am always doubting wether he loves me or not. But he has been so thoughtful and kind towards me, yet its hard to see it. I've been told I am beautiful but I always hate myself. And I keep comparing myself with people. I am very anti-social, and I hate crowds. But still I also wish I had lots of friends, and sometimes wish I was an admired star on stage. But then again, I hate attention and I cant face crowds. It affects my college presentations, because I skip those things and stay home.

I dont have close friends at work, mostly its like people are afraid to approach me. I am unfriendly when they try to talk, people irritate me and I dont know why. Sometimes its like everything annoys me.

Its like one part of me screams sense and whats logical, and I understand everything. But the other part of me is going into this dark place where I have a strong ugly feeling of jealousy, resentment, and uncontrollable rage. I ask almost menacing questions and make the other person feel bad. and then suddenly i grow weak, and go silent mostly and start apologizing.

Lots of times I feel like spying over him, but I try to hold myself. I trust him so much, yet I dont know why I doubt him. ANd sometimes I hate him so much becuase he has friends, and I dont. On few occassions ive joined him and his friends for a cofy, but I cant talk properly. And I fear looking dumb so i shut up and sit feeling left out. my husband tries to draw me into the conversation but i cant. I just want to be normal..like I sometimes am. With the few friends I have, I never show these sides of me. I am sometimes funny, sometimes always the listenener, and I am even told that I help them a lot. But still I cant get close to them. When the bad moods come, I just go into loneliness and its like not a single soul would understand me.

Its so hard bieng alone. Its like I am an enemy of my own thoughts. Its like I want distractions, I want to run away from my own mind. I dont understand myself. I am also so bored with everything. I cant watch movies, I feel like everything is filthy and everyone is a pervert. and right next to that thought, I feel ugly.

On the other hand, I love writing, painting, reading, cartoons...but when I go into the bad phases, I hate the things I love most.

I also have sleeping problems. And an urge for risky painful sex. I am a regular smoker. I smoked first at 16 and I stopped after 2 years. Now at 24, I have started again. Before I could control it, now I cant. I go insane without it. I try to get out of this circle of headaches, and I see myself and realize I need help. Other times, I am so lost into it, I dont know what to do, but only images of suicide, or killing someone else is in my head. I have attempted suicide during my teens, twice and once when I was younger than teenage.

I don't want to be that pathetic anymore. But I cant help thinkign abt it. When most desperate I start smoking a lot, till i get too heady or weak. Sometimes that doesnt happen, then I go for sleeping pills. Usually more than I should take. These things drive my husband mad, and he gets depressed....

I always wanted a child. But I couldnt have one because my ex-husband didnt want in my previous marriage. And now I am studying at college so my husband says we should wait till I complete my degree. but after my anger and the sudden snap of my mind comes and I started going insane, specially at night when he falls asleep when I cant, he said that we should wait without gettng a kid. That he is afraid I  might do anything when I snap like that...and the most painful thing is, that its true.

Later he said to lets just let it be. We can get a kid and still see a therapist. He said he will help me. But I cant get it out of my mind...

There are still lots of other problems...I am always thinking nonstop...I feel like I might go mad for real.

I've tried finding a counseler, a therapist or anything...but I am low on finances, and there arnt  good enough people where I live. 

I came here and found this group...and now I am wondering ,  do i have BPD?? How will I be sure?  What is my problem? Who should I ask help from?


hoping2live hoping2live
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

That is what I'd love to do, go outside, have a smoke with a friend, talk things over and hear helpful encouraging ideas or opinions on things like you just offered. Talk like everything is alright, like it is a matter of interest to someone else than just me, it makes the burdens on my head a little less, and they seem smaller somehow. Thank you so much :)<br />
Those are my thoughts exactly on getting a kid, but my husband isn't ready to bring a child into our relationship yet, I respect his views and I am waiting for the right time...<br />
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I love pets, specially cats or an exotic bird, but I have no space to have them where I live, I don't even have the time to take care of them as much as I would want to. I hate the idea of having a pet locked up and not giving it the proper attention it needs...

:D...that is so encouraging...maybe this is the kick in my *** I need..hehe...I've been trying to tell myself all that, but there was uncertainty..now I feel more sure I can get through this...thank you so much. If words can help, thats the most anyone can do.... *hugs*

Normal...really? But then being normal is bringing my whole life crashing down to my feet... this is not who I am or who I want me to be...