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He's Beside Me And I'm Still Alone

I'm shut down. He's already dead to me right now, I'm mourning his death as I'm typing this.
He says, all the problems in our relationship from the start is because of me and my bpd. It's all my fault because I'm broken.
I'm shut down now. No feeling. I'm invisible and he's dead.
He says I don't know what love is, how can I? I have bpd and can't trust my own feelings so how would I know it's love?
It's all my fault. *******. He met me like this and I was honest about my illnesses and open with them.
I'm broken. Now I'm alone. He's beside me but I'm alone. I hate him and he should die, or maybe I should die. I am dead.
Maybe I can't love, maybe I don't love him and maybe this world isn't really real, I'm imagining this whole world. I'm not real, he's not real.
I hate him now.
My life is **** now. What life? The one I thought I had. Was it real? Is this real? Did I die in my sleep and no one will tell me I'm dead?
I did this to us.
I'm not safe. I don't trust me. This world is wrong for me. It's too hard here. I don't fit. It shouldn't feel wrong to be 'normal'. It's a chore and a prison.
I want to run away and delete this part of my life. It was all a bad dream that will soon fade away. No one needs me. It's not like the relationship can work now anyways because of so many issues and I want to move on and he can't. Then I want one of us to die and somehow be free. I can never really open my heart completely again because he leaves me or dies almost everyday in my heart and warped mind.
He's sitting right next to me and I'm still alone.
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TeenyTiny TeenyTiny 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 15, 2010

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Teeny, I'm right there with you. I can feel out memories of the unnerving vacancy between us that would happen if I merely had to go home and get to work, and how it or whatever happened (phone conversation, e-mail) before we saw each other next was eventually misinterpreted as a series of personal attacks. I wish I knew how caustic any feeling of unrest was to our relationship because I have general anxiety and panic disorder-- you can just imagine the kind of paranoia we flooded each other with and the defense mechanisms we triggered!<br />
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As far as the therapy is concerned, if it was his idea I would try it!! But be certain the counseling involved is commensurate with how delicate you are. To me it really indicates a willing heart and if you'll allow a break from common prose, if the two of you can learn to dance together, you'll see you may learn to fly together soon thereafter.<br />
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And if I may be so simple, if he doesn't work out, just try again. What you feel as far as romance is concerned is assuredly transferable, though it may never feel like it at the time.<br />
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Having a small bit of personal experience with DBT I can tell you that as an overactive and scared thinker it makes me smile to prove my mind wrong so easily. I hope you smile as you implement it into your life too.<br />
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I wish you the kindest regards :)

Thank you for your comment mrja,<br />
I'm really sorry to hear about your hurtful experience. And that the police had to get involved on top of it. I know what you mean about the deep love and intense hate. When the love is there it fills the world around you and it's only the both of you, you against the world... then the hate sets in just as real and intense as the love, the flip of the coin. <br />
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It’s really difficult for me to explain to others (who don't have BPD) how I'm feeling or how upside-down, backwards, inside out and warped the world seems to me sometimes (a lot of the time). It's not easy to "fake" being well for others benefits and protect their fears as opposed to being comfortable being uncomfortable and spinning out of control. I know this sounds weird that the dangerous, crazy, life threatening, self harm, rage, extreme emotions and 'inappropriate' behaviors would be the 'comfortable' me ... but it's what I know and what I have sit with within me for years. It's when other people come into my world that everything gets messed up.... (the world doesn't look the same to 'normal' people, which might be corrupt and dark at times and inhumane but still not the same as I see it or feel it).. because I have to fit into what is 'normal' and acceptable and not crazy behaviors and thoughts and extremes and it's DRAINING.<br />
Relationships are the most difficult because of the emotional vulnerabilities of both partners and a rollercoaster starts. I don't have friends anymore, I push them away and push my boyfriend away a lot (sometimes he doesn't even know because he says something on the phone that makes me think he's leaving me or unhappy with me and I shut down and leave him before he leaves me... a few hours of freaking out at home alone and he calls and says he's on break and just wanted to know what time he should come over for dinner.... all that mind spinning for nothing and he didn't even know that I had walked away already.... until I realize that this 'breakup' wasn't reality and his unhappiness at times during the day, don't always have to do with me).<br />
I hope I helped you see what some of us go through in our minds (not speaking for all with BPD). If I confused you more I apologize.<br />
Sorry about the rambling.... Back to your comment....<br />
The couple’s therapy was actually his idea and it's covered (no fee). He was going to get his own therapist but he keeps saying he is and backs out (makes up excuses). I have the actual connections for us now and time will only tell if he is really willing to get help for us. <br />
I have my own therapist and have done an intense Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program (DBT), so I'm trying. I'm also reluctant to do the couples therapy because I don't know what to expect and don't know what doors they are gonna open and if it will make things WORSE.<br />
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What do you think?

You have no idea how you just shook my heart. I was with a woman with BPD for a year. It had to end when the police got involved otherwise it's entirely likely I'd still be in some kind of orbit around her. She is maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I have to live life today without any closure after leaving the most amazing love I've ever experienced. (There was also the most brutal hate I've ever dealt with, too.) I guess I'm searching for my balance from this paradox and I'm replying right now to offer what I can in commentary - I truly feel I know what being borderline means.<br />
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Your story is simply amazing to me. You explain yourself and your feelings with surgical precision even though they may appear abstract and conflicted to an onlooker.<br />
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I have to be honest and share an opinion or two that may be discouraging but I promise you I'm aware that they're also my opinions to be rejected at anyone's option.<br />
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Therapy works when you really want it to work. Couples counseling works when both people are on the same page AND both people really want it to work. I fear you may never be on the same page with your s/o and that he will never *really* buy into the idea of it being any help. Does he have a personal therapist?<br />
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If he's not sold on the idea of therapy as being helpful as opposed to expensive, embarrassing, and truly (for a guy) a large amount of work spent figuring out emotions... Well, he's going to want to end the relationship with you for one that doesn't come with expenses, embarrassment, and all that work.<br />
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I had more to write but this is the important stuff. Thank you for sharing. :)

Thank you for your comments, it's nice to feel listened to.<br />
We decided to do couples therapy and give it a really good try to repair our relationship and get help with skills to improve understanding and communication btw the two of us with a mediator.<br />
Has anyone else tried couples counselling before? I'm nervous and don't know what to expect.<br />
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We were really close lastnight and hugged all night and this morning as soon as we both had to get up and run errands our separate ways I started to cry. That type of moment that we just had is becoming more and more rare and it hurts not knowing when that will ever come back or how long till we get there again. And as I predicted... our phone call just ended and that bound is broken again. *tear

wow, I'm right there in my own cage, your story gets the point across, and I identify with it...

I know and understand evrything you just wrote.... Its the most scary, dull aching menacious evil feeling in the world, if u can call tht a feeling.... I just keep wanting to die when that happens. But we must be alive for SOME reason....you didnt do that to your relationship. It isnt ur fault that u are who u r.... and evrything has a cure, there will be an answer. I wish I can help. Because I know exactly how you feel. And I am desperately trying to believe myself too. Free...evrything u wrote makes so much sense.