He's Beside Me And I'm Still Alone
I'm shut down. He's already dead to me right now, I'm mourning his death as I'm typing this.
He says, all the problems in our relationship from the start is because of me and my bpd. It's all my fault because I'm broken.
I'm shut down now. No feeling. I'm invisible and he's dead.
He says I don't know what love is, how can I? I have bpd and can't trust my own feelings so how would I know it's love?
It's all my fault. *******. He met me like this and I was honest about my illnesses and open with them.
I'm broken. Now I'm alone. He's beside me but I'm alone. I hate him and he should die, or maybe I should die. I am dead.
Maybe I can't love, maybe I don't love him and maybe this world isn't really real, I'm imagining this whole world. I'm not real, he's not real.
I hate him now.
My life is **** now. What life? The one I thought I had. Was it real? Is this real? Did I die in my sleep and no one will tell me I'm dead?
I did this to us.
I'm not safe. I don't trust me. This world is wrong for me. It's too hard here. I don't fit. It shouldn't feel wrong to be 'normal'. It's a chore and a prison.
I want to run away and delete this part of my life. It was all a bad dream that will soon fade away. No one needs me. It's not like the relationship can work now anyways because of so many issues and I want to move on and he can't. Then I want one of us to die and somehow be free. I can never really open my heart completely again because he leaves me or dies almost everyday in my heart and warped mind.
He's sitting right next to me and I'm still alone.