Just Been Diagnosed With Bpd

To my knowledge I have been normal all my life, thinking that one day I would "grow up". But my behaviour never got any better, I grew up with a broken up family moving from mum to dad frequently as it pleased me. I was witness to many domestic violence episodes where my step dad would beat my mum and watched my mother have an affair on my real father, which me and my sister saw but kept from dad for a time until he found out. I have been back and forth between two partners for the last 5 years which has resulted in the birth of my 5 children all under the age of 7. Paranoia also affects me as I am constantly accussing my current partner of cheating on me and not loving me.Which she is the only person in my life who has actually supported me in finding out what condition I had and supported me to seek help.  I get very agitated most of the time, I need to be entertained constantly. Drugs and alcohol were a great help as it took the empty feeling away and enabled me to mix in more easily in social surroundings. I have trouble keeping any type of employment, I am 29 and have never had a job longer than 6 months, but usually they last no longer than 3 months, some I even left  at lunch time on my first day. I feel incompetent, dumb and inferior. There is only one thing I have been stable with and that is the love for my kids, everything is expendable. I go through periods of numbness, where I know I should feel things especially when I have done bad things to people but don't feel anything. Should I feel regretful? Should I feel sorry? Should I feel upset? My emotions decieve me and I'm not sure what I meant to feel, but this is all under involuntary control.( BPD) Would love to talk to some other people for better understanding
strudy strudy
1 Response Aug 18, 2010

Ive been a couple days ago actualy,diagnosed with BPD and it now seams so much clearer i mean everything past and present.like you,my story is pretty much the same and im turning forty in a couple of months.since im using my phone to type this at the moment i dont have the patience to write everything down but i cant hold a job ive been working at this food joint for ever because they understand all to well that im sick.do they care that im a BPD heck no but theyve threatened to fire me very soon if i dont get my anger and rage outbyrsts under control WICH I DONT KNOW OUT TO DO.i am heavely medicated because i dont want to die so i numb my hurt this sickly profound discomfort inside of me that ive always had and its sad really because im highly intelligent but on the other hand im so broken inside i actualy dont know what to do anymore so i just medicate myself with what ever tones things down.a long time ago i understood that there is something broken in me and as much as i am proud and dont want to use BPD as an excuse for everything that i am!!!!i just would love for my mom and dad to just step up and help me as opposed to quit on me and live only for my sister.right now i am not suicidal but i am in so much pain inside of me!! I to feel dumb and just fracken down right stupid and incapable at everything i do or try to do.i would love to be able to take charge of my life like a man keep a budget straight and own a house and all that **** but i dont know how to do it long enough to actualy get results!!!i tend to self destruct alot i wish i could be normal like all my friends but to no avail i am the ****** up one the guy who is always under achieving always falling short i can never seem to get ahead always behind SO ive got to go for now but ill be checking back soon because as opposed to dying i WILL get my demons under control but i pray god or one of you out there on the WORLD WIDE WEB could throw something usefull my way