I Only Want Strangers In My Life

I hurt everyone that gets close to me.  I now have changed my phone, cut everyone off of my Facebook.  The only member in my family that cares is my son in prison and I send him money and he refuses to  even check into my illness.  Some people believe it's a farce, if they had it they sure wouldn't think that.  My daughter has cut me off plus I am not allowed to see my grandchildren.  

I have been married three times; 28 years, 1 year, and 8 years.  They are all my fault, I'm sure.  I lost my best friend the other day over a guy she has known less than a month!  She has a mental illness and we have been there for each other even thru suicide attempts.

I am not playing a pity party.  These are things that happen to people with this disorder everyday.  I see a therapist and a phys.  I have a caseworker and it still doesn't help!  They say, I am so high functioning I am good on my own.  For the last years I have no idea how many times I have tried to kill myself and my caseworker keeps my meds but they feel I am so high functioning that I don't need help! 

At this point I do not want to become or be around anyone that wants to socialize with me.   The bad part is.  I am out going and people find it easy to talk to me.   If there is anyone that wants to write about their experiences please do. 

May God Speed 
dlbrady dlbrady
2 Responses Oct 24, 2010

I'm totally gonna come back to your story and comment more on it in a bit...but I just wanted to add this right now. I COMPLETELY know how you feel about the pity party thing! Believe me, we all know you aren't just "pitying yourself". Heh. That word should just be removed from ANY association with ANY mental illness -.- I also completely understand about how you feel like you hurt everyone around you! It's like no, you do things because of the way you feel and you are actually doing the opposite, trying NOT to hurt people! And if your therapist is telling you that you're so high functioning that you're good on your own...please please PLEASE get another! Obviously if there's something wrong..."high" functioning or not....you still feel this horrible emptiness along with lots of other things! Ugh...the nerve of some people....If I may suggest....about your daughter...try maybe acknowledging some things. I strongly believe my mother is Borderline, along with myself. Part of the reason I cannot have a relationship with her is because she just flat out refuses to acknowledge that she has any problems. But my mother was really abusive, not saying every mother with BPD is like that! But see, as much as I know the things she did in my life were because she has a mental illness, she refuses to get help. Maybe that's where you are different! If you are one to openly admit that even if you don't mean to, you may have accidentally hurt her (yes, I know it hurts to take responsibility like that, too...)...maybe she will accept going through therapy with you. For me, that's what it would take to have a relationship with my mother. I hope that helps...and I'm not invalidating how you feel in any way because that's not my intention at all. Just hoping maybe a personal experience with having a mother with at least BPD traits gives you some insight on the daughters end :]

I was diagnosed with a borderline personality, and other things as well till I was diagnosed as having ADHD. I was grown and in my forties and I thought at the time, yeah right, and refused treatment for a while. Well, actually it was close to 10 years before I started meds for it and read a book, then another,<br />
and I thought "how can this be?" But it umbrellas every other disorder I've been diagnosed as having,<br />
and it explains a lot of my life. I get lonely, but then want to be alone, and just like you, I am outgoing and easy to talk to. It seems people react to this and suddenly I want to run away. I don't know why and I don't know why I get lonely. I still feel like a contradiction in motion, just as I did with any disorder I was diagnosed with. I wish I knew what to say, other than I understand what you are talking about, and I do. But that's not much help now, is it? Good Luck and God Bless you.