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Troubled Relationships

i'm richie. i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about two years ago. i'm 27 years old. i am a lesbian. my first lesbian relationship was with my bestfriend in college. we were together for four years. her name is candice. candice and I got along well. we lived together with her family. her family was a loving one, unlike my own. but i met another girl.. Amy. I fell in love with her. i decided to leave candice for amy. i moved into Amy's place right away. this time it was only me and Amy. and the symptoms of BPD started manifesting during this relationship with Amy. i was always feeling insecure. I always felt I was being neglected and not being cared for. it was a very troubled relationship. i was always accusing her of not caring for me. i constantly doubted her love for me. Amy is 14 years older than me. we fought a lot during our relationship. the lack of 'sex' also drove me crazy, emphasizing my feeling of not being loved. so one night i asked for sex- and she was not into it. she rejected me and what's worse was that she said mean things to me which caused me to slap her, to hurt her. it was too painful for me- being rejected by the one i loved. that was the reason she broke up with me. and i really tried my best to get her back. i went to the place where she was working and begged for another chance. we drove back to the apartment. while we were on our way home, i tried to get the wheel from her several times which really frightened her. when we got to the apartment i heard her saying over and over to me that our relationship was over. i was in denial and so i did my best to prevent that from happening. i got a knife and told her i'd kill myself if she's gonna leave me. every action i made just made her frightened even more. my sister came and she had to pull me out of that place. days after that, i did crazy things just to get her back. but i failed. then i got an email from her. Amy said in that email that I might have borderline personality disorder. the email also included facts about the disorder. i just shrugged it off, denying that i do have that one. 5 months after i had another relationship. it was with Gladys. i was also violent with Gladys.. i had major anger management issues. i abused her physically. our relationship lasted for 4 months only. two failed relationships in a year plus lack of support from my family drove me to attempt suicide. i took several pills. but a friend of mine found out so i was brought to the hospital. after that, i went to a psychiatrist for therapy. i did that for a few months. i had to stop due to limited financial resources. i am now into another relationship. although im trying my best to apply everything i learned from therapy i still have major issues about myself. i have low self esteem and i am so insecure. but i am now less violent. i am better at handling anger now. but i still have a long way to go. i am still a work in progress. that's why im joining groups to help me towards becoming a better person especially in an intimate relationship.

carpediemrichie carpediemrichie 26-30, F 6 Responses Feb 12, 2011

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My name is Allie and I just ended an almost 1yr partnership with my girlfriend. Her and I became friends and I helped support her through a recent break-up of 2yrs with her ex. Afraid to be a rebound I took things very slowly with her. We did not have any sort of intimacy for about 4months and or not until we were "official" I was seeing other people, men and women before we were together and shortly after we decided to be together, I found out I was pregnant. We decided to take things day by day with no expectation she was going to stay with me because I was having someone elses baby. To my suprise she did, threw my baby shower, went to Dr visits and even slept with her hand on my belly every night when sleeping. She decided to love my child as her own. She was even my coach in my delivery room....that is why I am shocked to believe that she would end this relationship so abruptly with no regard. It ahs been a struggle for me in this relationship I am 31 she is 28 and this is my first relationship with a woman. My parents are unaccepting and treated her with disrespect in which I denied the granparents to my son visitation unless they started treating her with respect...They did eventually come around and apologized for being" rude" to her but that they would not ever change their belief that a same sex relationship was wrong. We also found it hard to do things together because a new baby places more demands on the relationship...we barely had alone time and she began to ask for space when I wanted closeness. I recently bought tickets to a concert to her favorite band. It was going to be our 1 yr anniversary. I had asked my parents to watch my son of 4 months so I could go for the weekend with her. They initailly agreed and then quickly took it back, used some lame-o excuse that they had plans...I couldn't think of anyone that I could really trust to watch my son and my gf was complaining of how much a "hassle" it was going to be to bring him along. Out of kindness I told her just go and have fun with your friends I have a responsibilty to my son, well she didn't like that at all, lashed out and said if I didn't go we didn't need to be together and that she would cheat on me.This sent me in an upheaval I lashed back and ended things in hopes she would hurt without me and my son and fight to have us back as well as repair the hurt she caused. We have had these ups and downs in our relationship...where she would constantly degrade and especially ridcule me when I would cry as if it were a great weakness to look down upon. She would always get mad at me for cying....it was often her fault for making me cry.It has freshly been 10 days since we split and its seems we are in limbo. We are broken up, but she is claiming that she is confused about hings and she doesn't want to talk. I love her and want to do whats best for her to help her get help. I knw that she already sees a Psychiatrist once a month so she can refill her Xanax, but she doesnt have the money to see a therapist twice a week which was recommended by her Dr. I have seen her get worst the longer our relationship went on, but she also held me and my son in such high regard, like we were her family. That is why I dont understand why she is fighting to have us back. help I am hurting because I love her, iwant to be back with her so bad,but I also want her to be healthy.

Richie it is very important you seek out professional help. You are feeling extreme stress about your relationship. Manipulating Amy by threatening suicide frightens her and will not convince her to stay so please stop that type of manipulation. <br />
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In order for you to develop an equally stable and mature relationship it is very important you go to a specialist who works with patients of BPD There are very effective modes of treatment that relieve symptoms and help you learn to manage the extreme feelings of insecurity. Also because you may be suffering from depression effective medications can help. <br />
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It is important for you to learn to tolerate the idea that Amy needs space right now. This idea causes you extreme anxiety but try to tell yourself that it is ok and you will get throught the pain with the help of an expert.

Thanks for the wonderful advice when you commented at my story. I do know the movie Matilda, that's so sad sweetie that your childhood was like that :'( I can relate to you, though I had more abandonment and parental neglect than actually getting physically or verbally abused and ignored by parents that were actually present. I feel terrible for you. I understand how it feels to just say desperate things that are wrong to try to get people to listen to you. I make sudden suicide gestures to my parents or anybody who will listen when I'm feeling angry or stressed, and I'll just keep saying over and over, 'That's it, I'm going to kill myself, I can't stand you or myself anymore' and so on, and then just laugh it off lately or be completely indifferent to everything. BPD is horrible because it makes you switch so suddenly like that. I am glad to see that you're intent on working on your anger and problems with intimate relationships that I also experience, it's inspiring to me. If it makes you feel any better, the way you acted with your GF was similar to how I was with friends before. I used to accuse them of secretly hating me, I'd analyze secretly everything they said to look for hidden meanings or motive, did not trust them, acted suddenly mean to them, and basically rejected them out of the blue before they could reject me. Today I distance myself from people who I feel I can't abuse in a way and get away with it - like members of my family, I emotionally and verbally abuse them and sometimes want to do violent things and this I can get away with because I know they won't drop me like a friend could. I feel your pain, but I too am also going to try to get better especially with relationships. Good luck with this, and I hope you update in the future!

Thanks for the wonderful advice when you commented at my story. I do know the movie Matilda, that's so sad sweetie that your childhood was like that :'( I can relate to you, though I had more abandonment and parental neglect than actually getting physically or verbally abused and ignored by parents that were actually present. I feel terrible for you. I understand how it feels to just say desperate things that are wrong to try to get people to listen to you. I make sudden suicide gestures to my parents or anybody who will listen when I'm feeling angry or stressed, and I'll just keep saying over and over, 'That's it, I'm going to kill myself, I can't stand you or myself anymore' and so on, and then just laugh it off lately or be completely indifferent to everything. BPD is horrible because it makes you switch so suddenly like that. I am glad to see that you're intent on working on your anger and problems with intimate relationships that I also experience, it's inspiring to me. If it makes you feel any better, the way you acted with your GF was similar to how I was with friends before. I used to accuse them of secretly hating me, I'd analyze secretly everything they said to look for hidden meanings or motive, did not trust them, acted suddenly mean to them, and basically rejected them out of the blue before they could reject me. Today I distance myself from people who I feel I can't abuse in a way and get away with it - like members of my family, I emotionally and verbally abuse them and sometimes want to do violent things and this I can get away with because I know they won't drop me like a friend could. I feel your pain, but I too am also going to try to get better especially with relationships. Good luck with this, and I hope you update in the future!

hi odd and singular! thank you for your nice words. yes my family is not the affectionate type. i grew up with no positive reinforcements coming from my family. that's the major reason why i feel so insecure with my partners. and i really saw the pattern. that's why i came to the realization that i do have a problem and i have to face this. i went to therapy for a while, but i could not sustain it anymore due to lack of funds. it's been a struggle but it's good im surrounded by friends who really listen and try to understand what im going through. and i've also initiated actions with my family. i've started to open up to them. i told them im a lesbian. my previous relationships were kept secret. it's great being out to my own family. and i can see they're trying their best to understand. i have also forgiven myself for causing hurt to the people i loved. and yes i give myself a pat on my shoulder every now and then telling myself that i am a good person.. thanks again.

You're not a bad person Richie. It doesn't sound like you came from a warm , supportive family first of all. I am so glad that you are not denying your issues so you can deal with them and manage them. They could very well disappear with the right support. I myself am an old Lesbian Crone. The woman who brought me out was 14 years older than me. I had NO idea how to act. I was insecure and needy and always wanting her attention. She cheated on me constantly. In reality, she had said many times that she did not want to be with me exclusively. I didn't hear that or understand it. Of course 4 years later it ended. My next relationship was better but different. I became deeply depressed. That one ended after 4 years. Then when I was 34 I met a wonderful woman who was 20. We stayed together for 10 years until she grew up and needed more. Richie. My point is that some of your feelings are just part of growing. The violence is not ok and you are doing something about it. But, some of it is just the way we learn. I'm sorry if I went on and on but you mustn't feel like a bad or evil person. You are brave and honest enough to acknowledge your **** and try to fix it. Good for you Sister.