Watching The World Go By Without Me

I don't know how long I have had BPD since my memory is completely shot. I'd say it has been around 3 years since i was diagnosed. Life is difficult, but most people do not understand how it is almost impossible for people like me. Two days ago I just lost the last person in the world who would still talk to me. They didn't die...they just could not handle me anymore. I am almost constantly filled with overwhelming anger and scream at people for things they did to me or things I imagined they did to me, mostly the latter. I've been trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life for all of my 27 years on this planet, and I still have no idea. I used to have a job but was paranoid that my coworkers hated me and were trying to get me fired. I eventually had to take a leave from work and never went back. I am unemployed, live with my father because I am incapable of living on my own, have absolutely no friends, hardly step outside the house, and am tired of living. I'm a superstar.
amelie78 amelie78
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 30, 2011

omg u are a supastar

I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago. My up and down moods are so frusturating.<br />
I have voices but it's not random. It's a real person I call her lady and she is very mean.<br />
Now I can feel someone new, she feels like a little girl but she is hiding. My doctor pays <br />
little attention to these people that live inside me. I'm scared all the time. And I feel like I'm not in control of myself. How can I make them go away or make them shut up?

I got like that at one point, still am a little but have just recently been put on a mood stabalizer which helps a little bit. I can think more clearly and manage things better but it doesn't cure everything in BPD unfortunatly. As you may see if you read my experience under 'I Have Borderline Personality Disorder - I Make So Many Mistakes I Am Scared to Beleive. Or something a long those lines. It's nice to finally see someone I can relate too. It's a lonely journey having BPD and all I can say is seek all the help you can get, people that don't stay in your life arn't worth it. Speak to a doctor and ask for a mood stabalizer, it's helped me by 30% which to me is a massive acheivment compared to what I was like a few weeks ago, still had the odd hiccup/mistake but life is easier. Just have to try keep telling myself to stay out of trouble, I know, It's hard.

Hi Lauren,<br />
<br />
since you live with your father, I take it you have no money nor insurance to get any help, so this is what I suggest for you. <br />
<br />
Go to the healthfood store and get the following items 5HTTP, which will help with your moods, and get some complex Vitamin B which will also help with your mood swings, and since the brain is a muscle it will help not allow it to deteriorate. With respects to your "fears" you have keep a journal, writing down everything as many times a day, dreams thoughts feelings.. after 30 days you will begin to see patterns in your life, that you can work on breaking. It will take a while but this process will assist you to become more functioning and able to maintain a job and maybe a place of your own to live. <br />
<br />
Take care and God Bless

I also have bpd and have completly isolated myself by accusing people of things I thought up in my head. I have managed to hold down my job for a few months. Although I also get paranoid of coworkers. A couple weeks ago, I accused two coworkers of trying to get fired because they were talking very quietly in front of the boss's door. Just dumb things like that. But this disorder is so isolating it helps to know theirs someone who has these thoughts too.