I've Finally Been Diagnosed And Feel Relieved !I have spent the past 9 years thinking i'm going crazy and not knowing what is wrong with me. Finally a diagnosis and some googling and all seems a lot clearer!!
I was always a shy child, but quite happy and content in my own company. The real problems started 9 years ago when my dad passed away quite suddenly. I'd just graduated from university and moved to London, where I had no family and knew not many people. At first I bottled everything up and put on a smiling face to everyone else, but was miserable inside.
Then I gradually became friends with someone I worked with. I never really opened up to anyone before, but gradually he got me to talk and talk about my dad and I found it really helped, but a bit too much maybe. I ended up feeling like i could only really being happy when he was around and completely relying on him. I felt so overwhelmingly panicy when he was not there, I would be leaving sobbing answerphone messages within 5 minutes of him leaving my house and begging him to come back. I knew it was wrong of my but i couldnt stop myself. I began self-harming and genuinely believed I would not cope at all without him there to support me. The problem got worse when he got a girlfriend and spent less and less time with me. I felt him slipping away from me and was SO panic stricken about the whole thing I would do anything to make him come and see me - faking illnesses, making up excuses, anything. I knew it was wrong and the guilt really ate away at me but nothing seemed to be as strong as the pull from the overwhelming fear of him leaving me.
Eventually he decided enough was enough and stopped all contact. I broke down, I was crying, calling him (he eventually blocked my number), drinking heavily, gave up my job, self harmed etc. I picked myself up a bit and was okish for a few years but never "happy" like i remembered feeling when I was with him. I continued to bottle everything up and virtually the same thing happened for a second time,
This time it was with my manager. I became very low, and lacked self esteem, especially with work related things. Every criticism I took to heart and ended up not sleeping and having bad migraines etc. Eventually I broke down and went to the doctor. He diagnosed me with depression straight away and sent me to see a psychologist. who signed me off work. When I went back to work I discussed this with my manager, David. David was my manager and also the person I worked alongside the most. After i'd told David, he was amazing. He helped build my confidence with work and also talked to me a lot on a personal level about anything that was worrying me. I've always found it hard to talk to people and so having him there every day helped me so much. At the start of December he left the company to take another job. I've found it so hard since he left - we tried to stay in touch but recently he sent me an email to say that i'm too reliant on him, and he doesnt have time for it any more so he's stopping contact completely. All i've done since he said it is cry and call him (hes not answered any calls). I'm trying from today to make a clean stop to this behaviour and leave him alone but any help would be really appreciated.