My Disorder Is Becoming Who I Am

I had borderline "traits" now I think I have the full blown disorder.
My life has become so chaotic. I hate people because I always feel like they are judging me yet when I have no one I feel so lonely.
My relationships are turbulent. I never feel loved! Im always aggressive and volitile. My moods swing from being the happiest person in the world to being depressed bordering on suicidal. I cheat, and its strange but I cant seem to stop. The cheating makes me feel like I am in control... it disguises that void deep inside my soul. The void that needs love and affection- I just cant get enough.
I shoplift small things even though I can eaily afford it... It gives me a huge rush! I am manipulative and I love seeing people fall into my web of lies and falling into my "charm". I get a sick satisfaction seeing people hurt because of me... I love playing mind games and am good at breaking people down- subtly. Do I feel bad? No and thats the scary thing...
Do I want to be this way? No. But its so hard to escape and break through these chains...
I need help! I know I do... but I always just end up "charming" people and when I have achieved that I gain a sense of power... And I use them- for affection, attention, sympathy whatever I want...
I know I am a dangerous person and toxic! I don't treat people like they are people just a means to an end...
To me people are there to use. Don't worry I am suffering despite my lack of conscience. Im lonely. I don't have a person I can call my best friend. I dont love or trust anyone... Im very much alone! Look past my fake smile and into my eyes... Im the saddest person ou will ever meet