Like the Hoover Dam Collapsed...
I have no idea how long I have had BPD, but I've known what it was for eight years now. I started working to fix myself from that moment on. For about five years, I have felt like it was completely under control.
But then yesterday was a bad day. Subjectively I can look at it and see that it wasn't really that bad, but today, I have that feeling like I can't breathe...like I need to run.
I hate this. I get all this pent up energy, and it rages through, but it's impotent because I can't do anything. and so it drains, and then the numb sets in...that has been happening on and off for the last two hours...
I hate to be like this I hate it for my emotions to control me this way. I am supposed to be better! I was better. And now it's like the clock has turned back, and I'm 22 years old again, and completely out of control...sitting here weeping at my keyboard, longing for someone to see me, to understand me. But so scared to reach out because I'm cynical.
It's my husband. It's not his fault, but it's all because of him. After nine years together, he still has this power over me, and I hate him for it. He doesn't care. I wish he did. I pretend he does. He pretends he does. But he can't love me like I need to be loved. I am so lonely, and so sad.
And I know it is the BPD. I know that I am blowing things out of proportion. I hate that this thing can make a few comments ruin my day.
I hate this feeling...I can't breathe...Panic...fight or flight. I need to run, but I can't run. I can't leave...I'm just stuck with my emotions.
And then the other feeling, the one that's settling in now. the numbness. Emotions are funny. You go through life, and don't really notice them that much. Until you don't have them.
Then they're like air.