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Like the Hoover Dam Collapsed...

I have no idea how long I have had BPD, but I've known what it was for eight years now. I started working to fix myself from that moment on. For about five years, I have felt like it was completely under control.
But then yesterday was a bad day. Subjectively I can look at it and see that it wasn't really that bad, but today, I have that feeling like I can't breathe...like I need to run.

I hate this. I get all this pent up energy, and it rages through, but it's impotent because I can't do anything. and so it drains, and then the numb sets in...that has been happening on and off for the last two hours...

I hate to be like this I hate it for my emotions to control me this way. I am supposed to be better! I was better. And now it's like the clock has turned back, and I'm  22 years old again, and completely out of control...sitting here weeping at my keyboard, longing for someone to see me, to understand me. But so scared to reach out because I'm cynical.

It's my husband. It's not his fault, but it's all because of him. After nine years together, he still has this power over me, and I hate him for it. He doesn't care. I wish he did. I pretend he does. He pretends he does. But he can't love me like I need to be loved. I am so lonely, and so sad.

And I know it is the BPD. I know that I am blowing things out of proportion. I hate that this thing can make a few comments ruin my day.

I hate this feeling...I can't breathe...Panic...fight or flight. I need to run, but I can't run. I can't leave...I'm just stuck with my emotions.

And then the other feeling, the one that's settling in now. the numbness. Emotions are funny. You go through life, and don't really notice them that much. Until you don't have them.

Then they're like air.

 

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow 31-35, F 43 Responses Apr 1, 2008

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this is the old (stuck between a rock and a hard place). i understand im there too.

i too have this thought run!! although i am a wife and mother, i love my child.. but,i think of running away alot..i dont do it..i never would or could...but i just think about it alot..run where?? i have no where to run....but i keep thinking RUN!

I think our children can help us if we allow them to. It is one responsibility that can trump even BPD. We have to be better for them.

For a moment, I felt like this story was about me! I know there is nothing anyone can say to make "it all better" but I do understand what you're going through. I have had the same experiences with my husband and have often felt stuck where I am - unable to move or do anything to make myself feel better no matter how hard I tried. Once, I actually did run. Got in my car and drove four hours to New York only to wind up stranded. These experience are painful and I wish you all the best!

I used to date a girl with BPD, and let me tell you, it was tough. I hope you and your husband have a stronger foundation and stronger bond than we did, because the strain is on both ends. As much as she felt that I couldn't love her enough, couldn't be there enough, I was struggling because nothing I did could make her happy. I really loved her, but she was so insecure and so anxious and angry about everything that she couldn't come to see it or believe it. I didn't leave her because I didn't love her. I left her because I felt like I was constantly fighting to prove it, and it got too exhausting for me.



Just remember that even if you feel that your husband doesn't love you enough, it's all based on your own perceptions, skewed by this awful thing you're living with. You can't quantify love. He can't show you a statistic or a lab test and prove to you that he actually loves you. If you really love him, though, you can trust him. Trust him. Trust that he loves you and remember that a big part of BPD is that unsatisfiable need for care and attention.



Even if your emotions tell you that you feel lonely or abandoned, try to step away from that and see things from his perspective. How much is he really giving you? How much is that in comparison to what people without BPD need? I bet when you really look at it like that, you'll find that he's working much harder than people in most relationships need to. Don't chase someone away by exhausting his reserves of affection. There's only so much one person can give.

Wow when i read your post I felt like it was me...it felt good i don't mean that in a sick way it felt good to me to know I am not alone. I understand what you said every word of it and I now understand for my partner what he is living with and I need to do something and I don't know what it is. I just know I have a name for some of what is going on inside of me now. He does love me though he really does. I want to fix me so he can have peace...

Wow when i read your post I felt like it was me...it felt good i don't mean that in a sick way it felt good to me to know I am not alone. I understand what you said every word of it and I now understand for my partner what he is living with and I need to do something and I don't know what it is. I just know I have a name for some of what is going on inside of me now. He does love me though he really does. I want to fix me so he can have peace...

hey, my ex has BPD, and was very manipulative, spiteful and violent, but she was also very sad and lonely, which is why i tried to stay with her.



I can appreciate your struggles, and it is great that you are, for want of a better way to say it, "fighting the good fight."



coming to terms with having BPD accepting that you have it can not be an easy thing as BPD-ers often deny having anything "wrong" with them and will often refuse help or diagnosis.



So I under stand and feel your pain, you will be fine, remember that.

Lets be honest.. I'm literally sitting here feeling sooooo many different thoughts and emotions yet can't decide how to write them or which words to choose in order to impress or wade you guys/gals into my world. I put it all together just this morning searching for meaning behind my consistent impulsiveness, only to be led directly "back" into the same BPD websites i had visited just a couple years ago, searching for a reason to why my girlfriend was to blame for the dysfunction in me, and our relationship. I am 99.9% positive i have BPD. I was born a bastard first of all. Something that NEVER sat well with me, yet the only time i ever seemed to bring it up was to emotionally-blackmail the family members i did have. One minute i love you and before you know it i hate, only to appologize and later repeat the same process. I spent four years with a girl i loved and adored yet always found a reason to assume suspicion in her cheating or leaving me for absolutely no reason other than my own thoughts and sporadic feelings. So many hours i'd sit there creating scenarios in my mind of what she was doing at work, only to be overwhelmed by the feelings these images created, to the point where i'd have a profound sense of self doubt and reason for why'd she would be doing something as trecherous as sucking her managers **** in the bathroom stalls at her work place.. Did i mention we had a marvelous breakfast ogether and car-ride to her work just that morning and i left feeling loved and fulfilled, only to come home and devise a delusion in mind to unleash on her the second she got in the car with me later that night after she'd get off work. I hate ciriticism yet i long for it. I love life then i hate life. I want a job, i dont want this job. I want my education, **** education. I'm happy, im sad. Never ending rollercoaster and now it's finally all starting to make sense. My anger is vicious, manifesting itself as anxiety and a strew of ferocious words aimed to chop you down and weed out your true motive and idea of me. I hardly ever have a conversation that i cant feel effect me emotionally.. i feel like people are trying to read me, yet it is I who is consistently trying as hard as i can to read them, only to become frustrated when i walk away from situations and begin reflecting on myself negatively, sometimes positively depending on the interaction. One week i feel like i could be a rock star, doctor, pro gamer, lawyer, technician ect, the next i am worth nothing and am capable of achieveing nothing. I isolate randomly throughout the months.. Sometimes for day after day.. Sometimes weeks.. Only to suddenly one day wake up feeling perfectly normal and capable, out the door i go happy and social. Before i know it, im back in my room, dwelling, not showering, eating, playing video games non-stop, ignoring phone calls, and just overall hating everything life has to offer. I feel my entire body crawl whenever an emotion enters my mind.. It can be any one of them, but the feeling of anger definitely seems to be the worst to handle. I feel my body burn and my hands begin to shake, as it grows and grows in my mind like a wildfire burning every rational thought in my mind. Then i breakdown, only to come back up.. Falling again, flying again. I don't remember that i was happy earlier that morning, all i can focus on are the feelings that are here now, in this moment, and for whatever reaosn it becomes logical for my mind to assume this is how it will stay. I look at my life and say to myself, if i don't accomplish anything meaningful to me by 25, like, lets say, pursue an education, i'll just kill myself. Anyways.. I was diagnosed in childhood with ADHD and treated for it. Throughout my grade school career i was constantly in trouble for bad conduct ranging from not turning in homework to fighting. It was never my fault i'd think to myself.. This person MADE me feel THIS way therefore my reaction is justified. I'm finding a doctor and asking for an assessment because without proper instruction, i know where this ends.. It ends in suicide. I WILL die from this if i don't get any help, if i'm not dead already. Numbness setting in again. Blank mind, just filling with random thoughts and undetermined emotions. I'm in my isolation phase right now and am probably on the final curve of it.. Few days, hours even, ill be good to go for a week or two but after reading as articles as i have this morning on BPD i am almost certain i have finally found my problem. BPD. Hi, I'm John.

sometimes i wonder what my life would have been like if i had access years ago to other people who were experiencing this crazy ride called BPD... unfortunately, knowing is not even half the battle... since i've become aware of this illness and how it impactsmy life and relationships, i've experienced times when i felt i was totally cured only to start to experience those same feelings again; that feeling of ascending or descending a literal rollercoaster... awful feeling. i'm there today again... so disheartened, but yet encouraged by the stories i've read here on EP... good luck to you - you seem so aware of your feelings and motivations... that's always a good thing

Oh John. ****. Me too. I keep insisting I don't have it or I have "traits" bc my ex kept/keeps telling me I have it. I keep going back to him only ti be pushed away and then I get drunk and text attack. And then shame. And over and over. I right now am terrified of myself. For a while, it was like, well when you admit/say you have BPD people run. But guess what? People ran. I am all alone right now, except those caretaker types who care about me and I could take or leave. You know the ones. Because I only get a hard on for the people who don't really care about me, the ones who yes and no me, that I have to call. Nobody calls me or asks me to hang out. I am the one. Until eventually everyone stops. I will literally ********** until I have injured myself to escape my feelings. I don't know where I am going with this, but it is good to admit this stuff. For ******* finally.

I just got home from running away Sunday. Spent money I don't have to get out of here and not face my neighbors and roomates. But now I am back and still having trouble trying to breath or leave my rooms.

I went off my lexapro cold turkey which does not help. I was having aseries of major stress issues and raged out of control when my cat was missing and I precieved it to be my room mates fault. Abondonment issues anyone???

I know how you feel and I am dealing wiht it righ now.

A lot of negative words in that story and you say the word hate a lot (sounds like my ex-wife haha) - that alone will induce more negative thoughts & emotions. I'm no expert however I know that using positive language and only thinking/speaking truths (ie: eliminating thoughts/words like "you are always ..." or "you make me feel..." will go a long way to change your life. It took me a couple years to master after becoming "enlightened" however I did do it!!!. Change your thoughts, change your life. I believe I have BPD as well. I also believe I have the power to manage my thought processes and words which have the power to manifest either good or bad in one's life. Happiness is relative.

tdmmitt - It is really good to see someone else fighting. I think sometimes that I have won the battle. I think I have it under control. But it's always there, isn't it? Just under the surface. Always calling me. Allowing me the chance to be free from responsibility. Let the BPD take the blame. It could...plead insanity. But that's not the way. Not when you have a better way. Not when you know you can beat it. I can beat it. I know I can. Sometimes, it's just so exhausting...



ilovestaplers - I think about my kids so much. I am almost sure my mom was BPD, but never knew. They called it bipolar with her. Maybe it was, maybe it was BPD. Regardless, I was a kite tail dragged along in her wake as a child. My biggest goal in life is not to let my children suffer for my own instabilities. *hugs to you for your hard times* I hope you can keep your babies in your minds eye while you struggle...they really are the reason for living. The reason to be sane. We owe it to them. They didn't ask to be born. We chose it. Either by conscious decision, or by living a life that allowed us to become pregnant. The little ones deserve a fair chance, and I applaud you for working on your life for them. : )

you hit the nail on the head as far as thinking you have it under control/have won the battle only to realize that it's like being stuck in a maze of neverending turns and emotional upheavals... lulls and extremes... i was so certain for a long period of time that i was "cured", only to wake up a couple of days ago & recognize those same feelings of anxiety, abdominal discomfort and overall feelings of being comletely overwhelmed...

Have you read "Understanding the Borderline Mother"....My mother has BPD and will NEVER admit to it...I admire you for working on yours!!!!!....especially because you have children....they will never know how lucky they are that their mom cares enough about them to get herself help so they can grow up without living on egg shells....because of my mom (who was single), I am battling depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self esteem issues, substance abuse, etc....but I got help and continue to get help because I didn't want my two little ones to suffer the emotional and physical abuse I went through...they give my life meaning - they are why I am here on earth.....

I can totally relate with what you are saying. I'm 47 and have been diagnosed since in my twenties. I fight and fight, but it always comes back...the feelings...I know my feelings are messed up because of the illness, but i am so tired of fighting them off...I don't know if I can anymore

Side tracked...no idea what that's all about. ; )

I will discuss it with her. We sort of brushed on the topic but I got side-tracked... I think.



Thank you, Glowy. *hugs*

The faerie has enough issues based in reality for it to automatically be something this permanent.



*hugs Sylphy tightly*



If it worries you, talk to your therapist...again, learning to cope with who we are is a unique challenge for all of us. It can only help, right?

I think I need to talk about this in my counselling.



Or maybe I'm just having a roller coaster ride with emotions.



Or maybe I'm self denying again... haha... *crazy faerie*

It's just a name, sillyginger. Just a name for a set of symptoms. Whether you have this or not, you can still benefit from understanding yourself. Learning to understand those around you and their motivations (not all bad). And you can deal with your emotions like you should...it just takes practice. Some people have a hard time with feats of physical strength, and they work on it until they are stronger. Our weakness is emotional. It takes work, but things get better.

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but after reading your story i think i do. i can;t control my emotions and little things make me feel so miserable and hurt, i always feel so weak and worthless because i can't deal with my emotions like i should.

Just take your time. Read all you can on BPD. Read stories here. Learning about what makes you tick is always a good thing. We all have to deal with our own unique set of issues...



Small bites...

I have been feeling like this for as long as I can remember. Mine stems from being adopted when I was young because of a genetic disorder which my birthmother couldn't take care of. I have a hard time talking about how I feel and what's inside my head cause I feel it must be wrong. I have talked to my birthmother before and I know her feelings and what happened but it doesn't stop my constant fear of abandonment. My mom put me in therapy and I was told I had attachment disorder which always made me feel like a black sheep but if you look at the symptoms is basically the same as BPD only it's generally reserved for diagnosis of children. Now that I'm an adult I've been put on antidepressents and the prescriber gave me a sheet on BPD saying I exhibit some traits and upon reading further I see almost every symptom in myself. It's unnerving and I'm still not sure what to think or do.

chickenkiev - Yes. That's something we've all felt, I think. The thing that helps so much is being able to find your triggers. Not let it define you. It doesn't have to. It's something you have to deal with, like short people have to have stools to reach things, and tall people have to duck to go through doorways. But they are more than their heights. And we are more than BPD. We don't have to let it control us. Now that you know what it is, learn what that means for you and learn to function.



Aledrell - It's hard to do that. When you have this, you feel broken. You can't trust your own reactions to things. Hard to trust another person when you realize that you can be really, truly crazy. No one wants to be that, and we certainly don't want those we love to see it. In general, it is hard for BPDs to have good solid relationships, and when we're happy in one, we don't like to trumpet our incredibly flawed selves to those people. As far as my husband? No. He just rolls his eyes at me. But I have learned to deal without his help.

Knowing your condition is 75% of your battle. You seem to have that part beat. For some reasons those with BPD feel ashamed to talk to their significant others about this. When I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD I wish she would've called me or whatever when she felt this way. So when you feel this way immediately tell your husband what your feeling and I'm sure he'll put you at ease. Men fix things, we want to help, but you have to be up front with us.

I have struggled with this off an on for almost 15 years after only being recently diagnosed a year ago and now it's been more frequent and starting to show wear and tear in my relationship.. ive become so predictable and defined by this disorder that i now feel like i am irrelevant to people when it comes to who i really am. i fear ive crossed over the "just ignore her it's what she does" threshold. Im at war with my mind in the fight for sanity and change.

People love you. Let them. Don't expect them to or demand them to. Let them do it their own way which may be different that yours. Take everything they do be positive because they want to be good for you....they are afraid just like you....Let them love you, they want to.



My friend...if you could make us believe that, you'd have cured this disorder. :-) I'm trying. Very much. And I'd like to think that I'm better now than I was when I first discovered that these feelings were symptoms of something bigger. But our problems stem from reacting emotionally to things. It's how we are. We can work on it, improve it...but it is something we always struggle with. Deep down, we feel inadequate, unworthy of love. Maybe because we didn't feel it in our childhood, or because we feel we've made mistakes that make us unworthy. But we simply can't believe that anyone would care about us as deeply as we can care. So we love hard, and pull back, love hard, and pull back. If we're lucky enough to have someone like you who understands us, and tries to help us...they find in turn a very giving partner. What your wife needs is stability. To be assured, sometimes several times a day, that she is loved. That you want to be with her. Keep building her up, because inside, she is tearing herself down. She doesn't want to, but she is.



I hope the two of you work it out, it sounds like your feelings for her are deep. And that's hard with someone who is pushing you away at every turn. *hugs*

My wife (we are separated currently) has bpd and for all of you that know you have it, that is a victory of sorts. I struggle with the severe defensiveness and paranoia of someone who is clearly impaired but goes through extreme gymnastics to prove she is ok. Feel good that you can see an area of yourselves to work on. I am sure you each experience things differently but from what I see in my wife it seems so painful that you don't really process what people are doing or saying correctly and often feel offended or unloved because of it. If you ever feel like someone is attacking you find a way to make sure you are hearing what they are saying. Ask for them to clarify. Try to realize that people are good and bad at the same time. They can be annoying and say something that sounds mean but are still on your side. Try to enjoy people's good side and overlook the bad side. My wife offends many people and is very boastful but completely intolerent of anyone's minor transgressions. It is so clearly self protective and it creates the situations that she is killing herself to avoid. Don't count on other people to make or break your day. You are okay, my wife is the sweetest most social person I know....if she could believe it..... she has some people she idolized and flatters to death and others she completely disdains when they don't measure up to supporting her ego. It is so very sad. She has no clue. Don't be harder on yourself because you can admit you have bpd. The fact that you can is an amazing step for you. People love you. Let them. Don't expect them to or demand them to. Let them do it their own way which may be different that yours. Take everything they do be positive because they want to be good for you....they are afraid just like you....Let them love you, they want to.

:-)

Thank you, you've given me a lot to think about.

Haha, well. It can be both, I guess. Having BPD is being ruled by incredibly intense emotions, and then numbness setting in before you can really have a chance to process what you're feeling. Excess in certain areas, feeling disconnected from reality. Very unstable moods, where the tiniest thing can set off a huge spiral for you - or set you on course of euphoria. Very similar to Bipolar, but bipolar is a chemical imbalance, BPD is reactionary to your surroundings.

Wow...I can relate to all of this very specifically. The rage, the weeping, the numbness, the cynicism. Is that really BPD? I thought it was normal...