Fake It Until You Make It

A few months ago I tried to kill myself. All my life I've had crippling depression. I came from a ****** up childhood full of violence drugs and rape. When I ran away from home, all I wanted to do was be normal. I read books on breaking the cycle of abuse, books on how to behave, self help books on depression and trauma. These books taught me how to chamillion, how to blend in and seem normal. They filled me with the vocabulary and mannerisims of normalcy, but it was all a lie. I may have intellectualized the information, but it wasn't enough. The more I read the more I realized I wasn't normal at all. I could fake it, but it was all a sham.
I am a self harmer, so I learned how to do it in less obvious ways. I don't cut any more, instead I starve myself, or my personal favorite, denying myself medical help when I need it. I used to be very clingy, not wanting to be alone. But my books told me that was wrong, so now I push people away, What is the oppisite of clingy? Teflon? I get rid of people at the drop of a hat. One day you are my friend, the next, I don't even know you, you are out of my life.
I have no empathy. Or maybe I should say I have an over flow of empathy, I understand all to well. I have no sympathy. I hate people in general. But who can hold a job when they show the hate, so I pretend I like you, in truth I am just barley tolorating your pressence. The only people who have any value to me are my husband and daughter, but I will run from them too. I'd rather be alone. I'm such a downer to be around, I'd just rather be alone.
I wear a mask, a heavy disguise. It wieghs me down and wears me out. I've learned how to fake it so well that most of the time no body even knows whats going on. That deep down inside I couldn't care less...about anything. The only emotion I really have is anger, but again my manuals to a normal life tell me that is wrong, so I keep it inside. Rage boils in me until my bowels run hot. If I could I would strangle some one with my bare hands, but I won't. So instead I won't eat, I won't see a doctor, I burn myself.
A few months ago I tried to kill myself. I was and still am ready to die. But I got caught, and now I am in therapy. Two weeks ago was my first session, and I asked will therapy work, or will it just make me a better liar. She asked me had I ever heard the saying Fake it until you Make it? So then yes, it will just make me a better liar. I already fake it, I already wear the mask.
Wouldn't it be better to help me find my authentic self? Wouldn't it make more sence to drop the mask, not put more sparkles on it? I've all but convinced myself that this isn't going to work at all.
I've read that adults who come from a severly traumatizing back ground are not helped as much be therapy. That the abilty to dissasociate is only amplified. That people with BPD are resentful of therapy. That they ar being reinforced to believe they are not good enough as they are. That they are unlovable the way they are now. They may only go because the fear that they will be left pushes them into a cornor. That they (we, I) are selfish in nature. I know thats true, I am the most selfish person I know. Even when I do something nice for others it's only because I want to be thought of as a good person, not because I actually am.
So here I am. Stuck in therapy hell. Not there to learn to accept myslf as I am, but to bedazzle the mask a bit more. It gets heavier every day.
graychylde graychylde
36-40, F
4 Responses Dec 15, 2011

i know the feeling i grow up much the same way

I am curious to know what the therapist said after: "Fake it until you Make it?". It is possible you heard that one statement and then went into your head instead of listening to the talking person in front of you. No sane therapist would suggest the creation of, or reinforcement of an artificial personality. I don't have BPD but my ex girlfriend of 4 years does. She would always assume the strangest most wrong conclusions about the words that just came out of my mouth. I would actually repeat myself more clearly and then she would be calm again. I know how much pain she was in now and its not funny but....It was kind of cute and always made for a good laugh.

I too have BPD and can understand the 'fake it till you make it' as I do that so much that most of the time I have no idea on how I actually feel myself so neither can anyone else. My mask is fixed in place and only really comes off when im alone or talking about something that has recently traumatized me to some extent. Once I have recovered from the trauma the mask is back. I have attempted suicide many times never received treatment and always been fine which ***** me off incredibly. I am not a selfish person with most things except my life. I have 3 children and know succeeding in suicide would hurt them but I dont care anymore. I cant tell you how much I sympathise with you as I feel the same most of the time. If I was told I had terminal cancer I truly believe after the shock wore off I would cheer as I wouldnt have 2 attempt suicide again. I have had therapy so many times and all it does is get me talking about things I wish to ignore or have tried to forget. I also starve myself in times of great stress, emotional pain and to self harm. I have no idea if knowing that you are not the only person who feels this way will help but I hope that knowing you are not alone does make a difference.

I have BPD and I do understand parts of what you go through, especially the trying to kill yourself, not eating or getting medical help and having a friend one day and the person not existing the next day. <br />
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The only thing I didnt understand is the "fake it till you make it". I have never faked who I am, ive tried on a mask or two but i always take it off because the anger is too much to handle.