Done.I cant stand this s**t. Every day its the same thing. Fighting urges, losing. Its been worse since college started, I isolated myself from my "friends" and left my girlfriend who promised to work through things with me. I cant keep going much longer, the urges have turned to plans and i fear soon actions :/ BPD plays a big role in this i guess. Every waking moment is a battle between 2 sides, 2 realities. I dont flip flop between emotions, i have both of them at once. All at once it's "nothings wrong" and "im falling apart." It's "life is decent" and fighting to not bike into traffic or make a go for the knife. Its easier to put on a smile and ignore the turmoil inside than seek help or talk about it. Ive got all the relationship issues associated with BPD, maybe even more, but i suppress any violent thoughts that come to mind, i cant stand hurting others physically or emotionally even though i may want to. It's a battle between Freud's Superego and Id and it's tearing me to shreds, there isn't an ego to balance the two. I get rare windows of reality, like now when im on here putting off self harm, but they disappear pretty quick. Reality is, nobody gives a flying ****, me usually included. It's scary to think of what my family, my "friends", and my fraternity will do without me, but those feelings disappear as the windows do. I need help but i dont want to be put through the stress of inpatient again, even though thats what I would be put in if i told the entire story of whats going on at a meeting thursday.... I'll only tell them what they ask to know. Ugh. Well, who knows what happens from here.
BPDlifesucks 18-21 3 Responses 0 Dec 28, 2011