As Empty As Empty Can Be
My life is a long story-a long repetitive cycle of emptiness.
Who am I? I am a single mother of 3 beautiful children that I love so so much. They are the only reason I am still here. Other than that, I do not know who I am. I am very smart, but I have a job at a factory with medial pay. I don't have hobbies. If someone asks me about things I like to do I really do not have an answer for them. I really don't enjoy much and I really don't know what I like. I like whatever whoever I am hanging out with likes. I get along with everyone but don't have many friends. The friends I do have are guys, and they are usually friends with benefits. I do like food; in fact, there are few foods that I don't like. I am a very empty person. There is just not much there.
I have always felt that I think differently than everyone else, and this was verified when I discovered that I have borderline personality disorder. I stumbled upon my own diagnosis when I read the DSM-IV criteria. It was like looking in a mirror! Here is how I relate to it:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: This is me to a T. I tend to imagine rejection or abandonment and then sabotage my relationships. Basically this has happened in every romantic relationship I have ever been in. Also, being a military wife does not work for someone with BPD. I tried it. I only lasted six months while he was overseas, and that was a very long and hard six months. I spent the first half of the time in bed crying and depressed and the second half out pretending he didn't exist, or perhaps I even believed that he didn't exist. If someone makes plans with me, they better keep them or have a really good excuse (preferably with some kind of evidence in hand). I always think if someone chooses to do something other than spend time with me that they do not want to be with me or that I am not good enough. I definitely do not like to be alone and always have to have my "significant other at the time" with me. I will go to extremes to make this happen. I cannot even count how many times I have threatened to kill myself or said I was going to the psych ward. Unfortunately, at those times, I really believed it was true. I believed I would not be able to emotionally handle being without them.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: Do you believe in love at first sight? Well, that is pretty much how all of my relationships have been. It doesn't take too long before I am head over heals in love with someone. Guys love this. They love the attention I give them. I would do anything for them! Unfortunately, I haven't found many guys that can give that to someone, that is returning that same kind of love. I find after not too long they aren't there enough for me and they can't give me enough attention, and this makes me feel rejected. It makes me feel as if I am not good enough to be their "everything" as they are mine. I have been told so many times that they can't give me what I want and that nobody can because everything is not enough for me.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self: My physical self-image changes but is most often to the point that I feel I look hideous. It is to the extreme that in the past 10+ years I can count on one hand how many times I have worn shorts in public, even when it is 100+ degrees out. I feel that someone who weighs twice my weight looks better than I do in a swimming suit. It is hard to even watch a movie with a boyfriend as I only imagine that they want to be with the "hot girls" in the movie rather than with me. I have felt good about myself, but those periods do not last long and mostly come from feeding off the attention I get from guys. I have went to college three times and almost finished each time but have always had an excuse to quit. I am kind of like a chameleon and change with the kind of people I hang out with, which varies greatly. I have experimented a few times by having sex with girls, which I guess makes me bisexual. When I am not in a relationship I do not really feel like I am anyone...
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating): I just went out and bought a van that I cannot afford and didn't even get it checked out before buying it. I took my kids out to drive around and look at vehicles to get an idea of what we wanted. We test drove the van and within half an hour I signed the papers. Sex is out of my control. I am recently out of a relationship that actually did not end because of my BPD and the guy hurt me bad. In the past two weeks I have slept with four different guys, one was my ex and two others were my coworkers-then the one coworker again with one of his friends. All except the friend of my coworker were unprotected. I don't drink or use drugs often, but when I do it is in excess. I binge eat most days.
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior: As above, I use suicidal threats often when facing abandonment or perceived abandonment. I have not yet attempted suicide. When things feel out of control and I am very emotional I bite myself. I have never broken skin but bruise my skin often.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days): A few years ago I was at a psychiatrists and explaining my symptoms of "depression." He thought perhaps I have bipolar disorder. He told me to do some research and see if I believed it was what I was feeling. I told him it was a lot like that except my mood cycles more rapidly lasting hours to days, not months to years. That was the end of that conversation ever.
Chronic feelings of emptiness: What can I say? I always feel like part of me is missing, always empty.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights): Always when I feel a boyfriend is not giving me what I need I lash out verbally. I become very mean and say horrible things that I immediately wish I could take back but am so angry that I can't stop. I have slapped from time to time but it takes everything I have to stop at that. I have snapped at others infrequently at times of stress.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms: I have many many occasions of extreme paranoia in which I can just walk in a room and think everyone was talking about me as well as often times of believing a boyfriend is cheating on me. I have had dissociative symptoms, usually during breakups, in which I feel like I was outside my body watching the whole thing happen and then when remembering it the situation feels like a dream.
I am in dialectical behavior therapy, but this has been a very rough time for me. My therapist was out for two weeks, I was sick one week, made it to my therapy last week, have therapy tomorrow, and then therapist will be gone next week again. I was doing so good in therapy until all of these long breaks came up, as well as the recent breakup I had, and now I feel I have lost control.
I am so tired of being so EMPTY!!!