Familiar Ground

You're not the person I thought you where. I have heard that so many times, usually before a friendship ends. I have alot of problems maintaining relationships. Right now, this minute, I have no friends. I've quit trying. Why am I thinking about this right now? Because I see a problem coming, and I'm not sure how to handle it.
I have been seeing my therapist for about 6 weeks. She is an older woman, and I have a long histroy of mother seeking. I reach out to older woman, looking for the mother I never had. I know therapy works best when you are honest and open, but I haven't been. I answer her questions, but don't really vollenteer anything. I realized yesterday, that in our limited contact, she has come to a few conclusions about me that are wrong. She said I was a fighter, a strong person. She doesn't realize it's just the front I put on. I told her I think crying is for *******, and emotions are for the weak- there fore I am a ***** and weak. She said that's not who you are. Now I see it coming, clear as day. I'm not the person she thinks I am. I know she is not my friend, she is someone I pay to spend time with me twice a month.
So I am trying not to become attatched. But I see the same old problem popping up. She has an incorrect notion of who I am, and she will be yet another person dissapointed when she realizes that's not who I am.
My thinking is very black or white, good or evil. She thinks I am strong, for some reason. It leaves me wondering, why is it when you are silent, people draw there own conclussions, maybe projections. I don't know. All I know for sure, is that once she pries the lid off of me, she will be sorely dissappointed. But that's ok. I'm used to it.
graychylde graychylde
36-40, F
1 Response Jan 20, 2012

The only one you're really lying to, when not being honest to your therapist, is yourself in the end. I say that, not to offend you or to sound wise, cause I really don't mean to offend you, and I am not really that wise either. But I say it because I've tried it. I was not telling the truth to my previous therapist, so for years she thought all other things about me, that was way off, just because I lied, so not only was she not really able to help me, but I was actually just lying to myself, and I was in exactly same place as when I didn't go to any therapist at all.<br />
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Since she is a therapist though, if she does "get the lid off" or you decide to start letting down the facade yourself, I really don't think she will be dissapointed at all. She is supposed to be a proffesional, and likelyhood is, she's probably seen it before, you know? If she gets dissapointed in a client, I'd say she's a really sucky therapist! <br />
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I have BPD myself, and I have the same problem as you do, no friends basically, no real ones, no one that truly cares, and when I do, they rarely know who I am, becuase I too put up a facade. Plus I see things in black and white too or good or evil. There's no grey areas... I know what you're going through, and I've had BPD for many years, I just didn't know it was a "thing" or that it had a name till recently. <br />
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Everyone can change, or actually I like to say improve instead, all you gotta do, is get to a point in your life where you -want- to improve, or where you're ready to get help. Proper help. It can be a scary ride... But everyone can improve with BPD. It's just a part of you, not who you are. *hugs*