Bpd Has Ruined The Best Relationship Of My Life

I have BPD and like all of you, live in hell. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, although he broke up with me last night after another one of my incidents. Growing up I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which in the past year (I'm 21) I have discovered with my therapist and with agreement from my psychiatrist was a misdiagnosis. I then found out I had BPD. Along with everything that comes with bpd, the anger, the uncontrollable intense fear of being alone and the abandonement..etc. etc. , the biggest problem is the impulsivity to always leave behind the amazing bf I had when some new and excited offer was made to me. Not only have I emotionally cheated on him 6 times ( 4 with the same person and 2 recently with another) , and fantasized about being with these guys, I have also intentionally gone out and cheated on him physically twice. I know the triggers, every time I feel hurt or vulnerable, the impulses take over and I give in. What I want to know is how to STOP them! He has given me endless chances and he says this is it, he's done. BPD has taken over the last part of my life that mattered to me. It has destroyed all friendships because of my anger and inability to see people as "both good and bad" . If you **** me off, you're nothing but hated by me. I can't lose the only thing I care about, what can I start to do now to prevent these impulses? HELP!
blowingafuse blowingafuse 22-25, F 9 Responses Mar 6, 2012

Your Response


When you first meet this person, they seem normal, outgoing, excited, and like they are extremely out to help you and will over extend everything they do to make sure you are happy. That doesn't last long. In these people if drama is not around they can't control their own emotions so they have to create drama. They will do anything for attention, and everyone is a threat to them. They do not look at even a casual conversation as casual cause they are to busy putting a motive on that person. The friends they attach themselves to are in the same boat as they are. They can not recognize a healthy person to be around from a unhealthy person. They are never ending pits of needs. If you are in a relationship with someone like this you will find out quick you also in a relationship with lies, secrets, cheating, immoral attitudes, and someone who even knows something is wrong but still will do the same habits and routine because without the attention from the drama they attract they can't utilize that feeling and need of own out of control emotions inside them. Someone with good intentions is someone with bad intentions to them, someone with horrible intentions is someone with good intentions for them. They are always looking for caretakers and acceptance. They will always choose what suites their life best to do, rather than you. You will always be last line of defense with them, and as soon as you go to leave this situation they are willing to change everything about them in words. The truth is they will not change anything at all, it is all verbal horse **** that surrounds it. They will not keep a promise to anything they say. The moment you get happy they might, is the moment they will burn you to ashes on broken promises and dreams. The only promises and dreams that matter to them is their own. This is why you will notice that everything that will never matter in the end of life, will be the first things they always make time for, and the only thing they hold promises to. You will end up stressed out, losing all your friends, and if you have a child in the middle of it all in a worse situation because the truth of it is, you are double parenting someone who's role model never did anything for them and probably had or has the same exact issues. Their paranoia's are self made, they will change with the wind on moods, making it nearly impossible to talk to, because in conversation they can't tell the entire story, they will not put anytime into your life. You are basically dealing with someone who only objective in life is drama, stress, and self needed attention. So of course they set high goals, and they will keep pushing for the goals until they get them, of course an hour of shopping or something like spending time with someone else is first thing on their priority list. They want control so bad for their uncontrollable nature and the most easily deceived people at the same time. When you get to the deceptive issues, if it is not them being that way, they like to listen to the people I said above, who will put their life in garbage and turmoil and bring you down with them. So once all your blood is sucked out of you and you age 10 years in 6 months wondering what just happen, just keep in mind you are dealing with someone who takes everything you say and do as a threat, who judge people only off the thoughts they make up in their own mind. This is the exact reason they make horrible decision and the same reason they will stay away from anyone good in life. The moment you start believing the bs in the words you are suckered in to the depths of hell's fire pit. This is the point they got you where you are trying to help someone threw pity they put in your head themselves. They will blame you in a vague way trying to disguise it as if it isn't obvious that there is 0 rationality into anything they are saying. They will throw guilt trips all on top of you. They will do pretty much anything to push you away and try to tangle your words in a spider web but if talking to them always stay on topic because they don't know how. This basically their way of saying I love you but hate you. They will sacrifice you like a pagan believer at the altar just for personal gain or something they want for themselves in a split second. Do not hold word to the plans they make either. Chances are they changed them all by the day they said they would. If you went through my experience, you were basically cheated on, which they will deny until the end of time, they lie over a million times, which is a habit they would like you to congratulate them on for not doing a week. They will drop you in a split second to go do other things they prefer. They will do so much over time that you get to a point that nothing they say or do is even in range of being believed. They don't know anything about relationships, except how to sink the ship part. They will dog cuss you, they are the biggest verbal abusive people on the planet. If you have a child like me, they will say oh, I will never do anything like that, well as the quote says everyone meets their own mother. My mother had all these same magical habits. I'm sure the person you are with will share these magical habits from their own mothers. The apple doesn't fall to far away from the tree at all. When you reach a peak point, their immediate response is to act like the person you thought you knew when you met them. This is another habit, the oh I swear to god I will stop and change. It is all words though, if actions do take place get ready for them to last a week or so, or just long enough to sucker you into thinking they changed something about themselves. Then it is back to the other person again. Always remember their entire world is not defined by what is really going on, or what someone really meant when they said something, or if someone is good or bad, it is defined by only what they hear to themselves. They look no further into logic only emotions. They thrive off drama, cause calm does not make sense to them, even when they are screaming peace, they don't actually want peace at all, because they can not handle not having drama. This is why their entire day consist of drama whether it is between you and them, or them and someone else. They will always twist your words into things they don't mean. They will always clam shut and go about the talking to a 5 year old who just did something bad approach who you can not reason with even with evidence. Prepare for your entire life to be like this all the time you are on high alert. They don't want your time, they want your presence, they don't actual want you, they want whatever suits them at the moment as to not feel lonely, because they will always go off to the next thing their mind tells them seems better, because everything in their life consist on personal needs, wants, fears, emotions, and eye candy. There is absolutely no form you can trust them in. You can not trust them in any type of situation at all, they will hit on your friends, they will keep secrets from you, they will verbally try to tear you down, they will try to make it all your fault, they will try to make you feel bad about what they did, they will put you on the lowest priority pole, then when you say anything about it, they will say something childish like "Oh now I can't see my family". This is a constant behavior. Anything and everything possibly wrong or immoral they can get away with they will try to do. So in the end once you spot these odd symptoms, remember it starts with constant lies, and it ends with you losing everything and the assumption the entire world of whatever gender that person is, is so morally corrupted there is no one right that exist. They will suck your blood until you are empty, and still never be happy at all. They will want control over things that should not be controlled, they do not understand mutual because the childish side does not let them, and they are a danger to the mental health of any child you have around them, and in some cases the emotions are so extreme they are also a physical danger. Welcome to a never ending battle, being fought inside the head. Good luck on winning if you do. These people only want 1 thing, and that is self need. Other than that you are nothing, you can be God, and you they will still paint you as Satan in their own head. They also don't know the answer to anything, so when you talk, get ready to spend 6 hours with someone you can't get a straight up answer from until you push the issue so much they fold. Communication works like this, you say something they don't like they respond short and defensive, you try to stay on a topic, if it does not interest them they will act like their life is to busy at the moment, in reality they just don't care enough about the topic to respond. If you get out of their comfort zone, they will clam up and just answer with yes, no, I don't know. If they are lying, or you are fighting they will go around the topic to stray it away from what it originally was so they don't have to deal with the consequences. They will prove, when they say they don't have time they really do, you will notice this when you are being slung off for someone else, something they want to do, or something that has been on their mind previously. In all cases when this happens forget any plans you made, because their way of dealing with it. Blow you off, and this will happen 10,000 times, and they will say things like we always spend time together, and while you are looking at your friends relationships and people walking by, you suddenly feel cheated in everything and you realize the hard way you were never a intended goal. Don't feel bad though, chances are you are not the only person they already did this too. In the end, if they don't get help, or help doesn't work you will only be killing yourself and anyone you bring with you trying to fix it, because they are self made attention seeking, emotionally out of control people who have no desire to change until their life hits rock bottom and they finally wake up to the reality they have been sitting in and it has absolutely no one in it but them.

this is the way of thinking that has created a stigma and the difficulty that people who suffer from this have to deal with from the uninformed. Do you think people want to act and feel that way? No, they don't, they cant really help it. You should try to be more understanding to people in general as it would probably serve you well in life. You (the people without the disorder) aren't the only ones suffering here, we suffer too, much more than you care to recognize probably. We know our actions are unjust but can't control it in the moment and are left feeling extremely guilty and low. Maybe you should think about who you are hurting with your words next time.

Can we get an update. Your story is a similar one I can relate to. We break up to make up break up to make up. This always continuing the cycle bc I always take her back. We have both agreed that we need communication but the triggers are constantly over powering and always drive her away. She's the one that has BPD. Is there ever going to be a chance @ a normal relationship between us? You as a BPD have you had progress? What helps..My main question is...Is there a success story out there? I've spent over a year researching this disorder and I have yet to find a miracle come true story. I wish you the best of luck. As I tell my...don't stop trying. Be real with yourself and most of all believe in yourself. First step to recovery is admiting there is something wrong.

hi everyone, i just like to say im a guy that has been in a relationship with a girl suffering from bpd, its such a awful illness to see someone you love going through let alone the battle inside anyone with the illness must endure. And to all you bpd sufferers out there please hang in there continue seeking help trust in your self to win and beat bpd.Im sure the journey wont be easy for you but stick with it. Rember the people who just love you for who you are the ones that believe that you are beautiful inside, so please hold them close just like you want too.I wish you and your loved ones all the best, and anybody with a loved with this illness trying to understand or have been affected by this illness, they didn't ask for it they are not evil or bad people its not personal or because they didn't love you. Do some research learn all you can about bpd it helps.It might help if you watch a youtube video ''What boarderline personality disorder feels like ''imagine what that would be like for you.

Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn't understand whats going on with you.

I made a chat room, it's there anytime anyone in this forum wants to go on and chat. Here's the link, and here's the chat password:<br /><br />
<br />
pass: feelthemonster

thats awesome you made a chat room :) thank you

Gosh, we should organize our own little private chat room among ourselves...unbelievable to read so many of us in the same situations over and over. At least I'm not alone, which right now means a lot...

We should! I just got on here a few days ago and it means a lot to me that I'm not alone. Seriously, we should make a BPD chat . I always was wondering also how nice it would be to have someone I don't have to pay a pay-out-the-*** fee to call after 5 pm in a crisis.

Hi. Just read your story and obviously relate to it. Losing people over BDP is appalling. In fact, I just posted my own story. Same devastating issue for us....losses. However, even when I applaud that you're going to a therapist, I would strongly suggest that you go to a pshychiatrist. Mine is giving me 3 different pills, one of which controls my impulses. Thinking about cheating is one thing, you might now be able to help that. Doing it is a completely different thing. My impulse, for instance, is to send people away and hurt them endlessly. I do that. One of the pills, which is actually an antiepileptic, controls these impulses. Just do your research and find someone who can help you. Talk to your boyfriend, he needs to understand it's the illness acting, not the person within. Eventually, if he doesn't understand and support you even when you look for more professional help, most probably you're better off without him. Take it from someone who is living through the same hell right now. Good luck.

I appreciate the advice and actually just saw my psychiatrist. I'm really frustrated because he says he doesn't agree I have bpd "fully" because he is so hung on my diagnosis of adhd and bipolar , so he's upping my prozac to 2x the amount I was on before, and told me to get the bmt treatment.

Sounds like me i have been through my relationship on and off for five years almost doing the same thing when something better for the momment came along i cheated well finally i said some of the meanest things i could have ever said and we were done she wont for give me for saying these words no matter how much i have tried to show her im changing and she means the world to me she told me she loved me and thinks about me all the time and still cares about me and most of the time wishes i was there instead of her current gf but yet told me love is not enough any more and so i have been on an emotional roller coster with my bpd because i cant handle when things dont go the way i want them im so lost deep down i know i can move on but i dont want to i feel so alone and empty and no reason to go on except my step daughter who i share with my ex girlfriend but i know i need to move on im just lost on how and i only with in the past month found out about my bpd so this is all knew because like u i was always diagnosed with other stuff tell i met my psychiatrist and she fianlly diagnossed me and is not helping me get the help i need... i know this wasnt any help but i do know what ur going through so if i come from any ideas i will share them

Actually, it is a help just knowing I'm not alone. I am still dealing with it, trying to fight my way to get him back, but when happiness comes it is very soon after overcome with anger and sadness so I push and push until I feel somewhat guarded in case he leaves for good, which is still up in the air as far as my future goes...

Wow you sound exactly like me. <br />
<br />
to be completely honest my impulses stopped when i got a second boyfriend, it was the only way to stop cheating. Yes, they both know about each other, they have met each other and though they dont like it they can see that it is stoping me from sleeping with other guys. Most guys will not go for this, this actually only happened due to cheating and it just sort of ended up this way.<br />
<br />
If you want to talk, im always around to read.

Yeah , that isn't an option for me, but yeah it's surprising to me how many others are in the EXACT situation and think/feel the exact same way. I'd love to have someone to talk to, I'm going to be on here a lot. I feel completely damaged and holding on to a pipe dream that I know probably won't happen

my boyfriend and I get into a fight every single week due to my BPD. I have no idea how to control the anger and the constant need for attention right now.

Same here. Lately though, with absolutely no stability in my life (my family is moving out of state and I had a whole set up plan to move elsewhere, but it is in the air because it was supposed to be with my bf) me and him have been fighting daily.

That has got to be tough. You must be feeling pretty alone right now.
The sad part for me is I have no stability because my boyfriend has absolutely no stability what so ever right now so im trying my best to become stable but he keeps bringing me down. Because of my fear of abandonment, which makes me codependant, its really hard for me to be independent and live alone.

Yeah I'm the same way. It's crazy because bpd makes us push people away but yet we need to be around people!

2 More Responses