the Baggage Poster "girl"----my Shame

It all came to light this time last year. It was the first time i had heard this diagnosis on top of my now bi-polor disorder. Whatever... anyway it appears that i am a ******* mess all around. Ive over come and destroyed two marriages and have two beautiful boys. Which they tell me i am too young to have done all that already. (well that felt good) Its over now.


I cant hold myself down long enough to see who i am , i blend in every where i go.


I can't figure out by now if im straight or bi. Or really just in denial.


I spent my child hood on acid, meth, and cocaine and just recently gave up the diet pills so that i could take this lithium stuff. Ive been in rehab 3 times now for drugs and alcohol and can't seem to let go of the bottle at night when i can't sleep.


I keep ending up in the hospital for suicide issues (only once as an adult) Alot as a child... i was a "cutter". yeah... The adult episode consisted of a drunk black out , phone calls and police. Every time i drink i black out.


I destroy hope in the men i love and i use and exploit the ones i don't. Im often lonley and afriad of the future. Afriad of being alone, afriad of never having that best friend. Afraid ill never learn not to destroy what i cherish.


Sometimes ...or alot maybe.... i think that everyone i love is trying to hurt me or lying to me and that they really hate me.


My latest eye opener was realizing that i have been staying in this 1 1/2 shity long distance relationship only because I don't think that annyone in gods green earth would want my baggage or my boys. 


It would sound like this..." hi, my name is ****** ive been married twice, have 2 kids, a personality disorder, im manic depressive and a drunk!!! Lets hang out some time. .... Hello? Where are you going? Come back..."


Im a poster child...

LOST27 LOST27
26-30, F
22 Responses Dec 1, 2006

Generally, most persons with BPD will have "baggage." It is our very baggage that begot this monster that is BPD! Our maladaptive behavior in response to whatever baggage we were dealt as kids causes us to repel those we love most, be irrational, act crazy, become slaves to our powerful emotions, and do a lot of nonsense that just seems to yield poor results. We certainly can demand that people accept we have a condition, but we cannot expect them to tolerate our crazy behavior. There must be some effort on our part to tame the beast within such that we are able to engage in meaningful relationships without repelling those we love. Indeed and as others have said, if someone cannot accept you because you have a medical condition and because you are a mother to two boys, then you need not waste time on such shallow and inhuman species.

You are not alone. You are not damaged goods nor are you irreparable. You are not unworthy nor are you unlovable. You aren't a bad person with bad baggage. You are entirely worthy, lovable, and good. You're human and you have specific weaknesses like every other human has. It's just that yours are in an area that many cannot see and thus cannot understand...but who cares about them? As long as you recognize your own weaknesses and make attempts to be stronger in those areas, then you're good. You can start by trying to stop your self-medication with alcohol and by going to therapy. Someone above mentioned DBT. I highly second that.

Someone above also asked about how having BPD as a mother can affect one's children. It is common for this condition to be perpetuated down multiple generations. We are the products of the environments in which we were raised. Be the first in your family to stop this pattern, for both yourself and your children; stop abusing alcohol and get into therapy. If you seek treatment to get better, you will get better...and that is what we all want, we all want to be freed from this slavery that is BPD so that we can find happiness, within ourselves and with others. You deserve happiness. Remember that.

Yeah? And? We have all done this (at least I can speak for myself). I had a wonderful fairy tale life. I had a great husband, three beautiful girls, we bought a house, I had the greatest job in the world and I got promoted to assistant manager to the surgery center billing department. I had everything I ever could have dreamed of. Then it happened.<br />
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I woke up one morning and my whole world crashed in. The past sped up and knocked my door down and made a bed in my life. I was a mess. My husband couldn't understand what was going on. I couldn't explain it either. To make a huge mess short, I left him and my girls so they wouldn't have to deal with my crap. I have to say that once I finally found a medication that made me more human, I was on a race downhill.<br />
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Your baggage comes with the package. If he doesn't want to love you for all of you, he doesn't deserve you. We are loving and caring people. We have so much to give to our friends and partners if they could get past the craziness. <br />
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I know that I am straight but who doesn't wonder what it would be like to be with your own sex? Maybe she would understand you better? Something wild and dangerous? Isn't that they like to say one of our symptoms are? Oh yeah, we are so sexual. Blah, blah. <br />
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I don't drink because it makes me sick but I sure like my weed. I am not partaking due to working in the medical field (how ironic) and they drug test you. I have never done any other illegal drugs except for mushrooms and ectsasy but that was years ago. Now I have to be a good lil' girl or I will stick out like a sore thumb.<br />
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I have heard this funny little thing. Just because you think that everyone is out to get you, does not mean that they aren't :) I have a lot of friends. I am loved and I know it but I when I am going into my mood, the whole world is after me like Frankenstein. <br />
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You are welcome to be my friend any day.

I don't think we have to be straight or gay, I've always known I'm both. I always fallin the gray area, it doesn't matter, it's just a word/label. We give words too much power, or at least I do.

Im 28 was diagnosed in 09 but have had this problem for years before that I just didn't know what it was. I have two sons who are my world. Im just a single momma suffering from bpd. PTSD. You are not alone and I love you. There has to be hope for all of us. Hang in there for your boys for you for us.

keep your head up love i was diagnosed as bipolar for so long. you need a DBT therapist. it works...it really does...unfortunately i found a person who accepts my bpd and you will too. when you say you have bpd people look atyou like your a lepore. they dont want to go near your. your in my prayers that you find that special someone to connect with.

Your not alone i have bpd amongst other things YOU are the only that can change anything .. im a recovering drug addict and my life is not easy but i fixed myself somewhat it takes alot of work but i started out almost identical to you and now im here able to say that i crawled out from under the addictions and beat the odds i hope you can do the same, bc id rather be here where im at than in the dark place i was begging for attention and drugs... Plus you have two kids young or not you need some growing up to do before you screw up their lives along with yours you have no excuse mental illness or not to be so selfish and self consumed get the help you need so desperately bc if you dont then its no ones fault but yours ....

Also im having a good day today so im able to write a tough love type thing but tommorow might be different and the message id leave you if i werent happy would prob. Be different than the one i just left i dont want to make anyone feel worse or mad or anything but you have kids and it scares me that you might accidentally hurt them accidentally ( not phsychially or anything) i really will pray for you

How are you coping in terms of looking after your children? I've read very horrible things about being a mother with bpd and what it does to a child, and it's really put me off having children. Do you think your children are suffering?

For someone thats been thorough that much **** you managed to be a good mother. **** society , youre not a poster child you dont have "baggage" you have life. Dont beat yourself over this ******* world be proud of what you have done, I know its difficult for people like us but we have to stop being so damn self hating .I hope you have a better future ahead of you and I hope you eventually find happiness and semblance.

This is so touching lol:/ i hope your doing better and i hope you found a safe spot for you to just be okay:) If your still on ep,did you ever do drugs or anything to induce it or make it worse?if I dont hear from you i hope you are well..

That is where I have felt way too many times to think! I have an eight year old. Never been married. All of the guys I have been with run away screaming and the last guy actually beat me before I finally got away. This has all been hard on me and I am starting to feel like I have nowhere to go.

That is where I have felt way too many times to think! I have an eight year old. Never been married. All of the guys I have been with run away screaming and the last guy actually beat me before I finally got away. This has all been hard on me and I am starting to feel like I have nowhere to go.

Friends are hard to find for people like us. I find it amazing that you have the energy to raise two kids. I can barely get myself out of a rut to take my dog out. I tend to pin my chores on whatever poor soul is kind enough to love me at the moment and i hate myself everyday more and more for it. I black out every night as well and my boyfriend just sweeps it under the carpet and yet I find reasons to believe he doesn't really love me. I say terrible things to him all the time and don't remember it the next day. When he tells me I just want to die. At the very least your story made me feel like i am not alone.

I agree with scared2def, its like looking into a mirror when I read your story.. I also am BPD, Bipolar, anxiety disorder, chronic depression and more recently PTSD thanks to my ex bastard.. When does it ever end?

I'm also a divorced mother of two. Just got diagnosed with BPD. Bi-sexual. Recovering drug addict and alcoholic. Former "cutter". Been sober for a little over four months now, but that's a daily struggle. I go to AA and SLAA every day. Have faith sweetie. When you're down to nothing, God's up to something.... ;)

like the saying when you're down to nothing , God's something.

You are my twin. Our story is an exact replica. I keep reading books how this stuff gets better and how trherpy helps. But we are blessed with sons; and sons love Mommy. When I need to feel special and not like the **** up I feel I am I go to them. And even when I do **** up, they love me. That love is helping me firgure out just who I am, and at the moment the only me I am comfortable with is being theeir Mommy. You will be in my thoughts. Oh and look up DBT (Dialecical behavioral therpy) I just started and the goal is to pull me into a full functioning person.

well guess what mamma? you are not alone! i'm living w/ bpd (diagnosed 22 yeras ago). your story is my story, and i dont know your age, but listen- get used to the search for self, sanity, and safety. no matter how high i climb, this **** finds new ways to see me fall. walking wounded, I.M.U.N.U.R.I. god bless u n ur kids

I.M.U.N.U.R.I.

I have bipolar and borderline too and I can definitely relate to how you feel. I turned to drugs and alcohol for years and did the treatment thing too. It's hard having so many issues and not being able to fit into the real world because of them. Lately I have been going to AA meetings just because they have a great fellowship and I can relate to the people that go to them. I am much happier than I used to be, I felt like I was in a complete paradox a couple months ago but I have finally escaped. I have also found that learning about things helps too because if I'm not thinking about external information I'm thinking about all of the horrible crap that has happened to me and all of the relationships that have gone down the drain. I'm not religious at all but I have found that getting in touch with the spiritual side of myself has really helped me find happiness. God doesn't abandon people, he fixes them.

now i feel like a jack butt

I am here for you sweetie. I am bi and I have been struggling with that for years. I drink and have recently quit again. I have been in treatment centers like you. I know where you are going and what you are going through. There is someone out there who wants you and wants your two boys. Just know that you are never alone. You have support here. Things will get better. I have faith in you. I had to save myself and I know you can do the same. I quit drinking over a month ago. I began seeing a psychiatrist over a month ago....he is the first to ever diagnose me with BPD. It scared me to death. Id always been told I was bipolar.....but I now realize that Im not. Things will fall into place, just have faith. I have a wonderful happy marriage now. I need to get better to focus on it! Hang in there.

I like this comment...and now it looks obvious to me that I want help too...by commenting on all of these other comments. Unless there really is a cure for BPD...and I can get it without losing my wife and kids...then I want it...but otherwise...i will have to secretly suffer until im dead. it looks like i've hidden it well so far. But Again Lost27...you are not alone...i can't tell you how to get better cause i dont know...sometimes i don't even know if i want to get better... i like knowing that i know something that another person don't know unless i tell them...and i like the idea that i have extra empathy for people...i feel like it is a super power...but i do hate that i cant trust a mirror..or any one...and that i cant talk to any one out of the blue comfortably unless alcholol is in my system.

unfortunately bpd cannot be cured it's symptoms can be treated and you can learn coping skills for outbursts and triggers that help u to live a more relatively normal life in conjunction w/ intensive therapy u can get better n feel better u will always be bpd but u will not always feel this way

As for a cure, the closest i've come is Dialectical Behavioral therapy. It's not magic, but it's really helping!

I want to try that DBT. I have heard of it and don't know what it is. It truly sucks that this cannon be cured, I am just now accepting that I have it, although I was told years ago. I tried to blame everything on PTSD, which I also have so that it wouldn't be "my fault" that something is wrong with me. I have learned techniques over the years that have helped with some of the behavioral issues, but they haven't helped the pain to go away and stay away. I am just not as in much trouble. I was trying to figure out a way to live today when I found this site. I wasn't suicidal, just couldn't figure out how to live and know that I can't die because I have children and I was trying to find that in between place and for me, there isn't one. I am sorry for everyone who is dealing with this. How could we lose out on the one piece of life that everyone else seems to have...not just existing or dieing, but actually living and experiencing life! I am so f***ing sad right now to admit I really do have this, but so relieved to see that someone else understands. If you have info on this DBT, could you point me in that direction? I am not dealing with life well.

1 More Response

at least you have your two boys that will always love you. some people arent so lucky. im male and have bipolar, borderline, and substance abuse. your kids will always love you remember that and be good to them, be as good as you can because eventually they will grow up and have to deal with life. best of luck to you and yours

not sure if my three boys love me...i do know i couldn't do with out them...even though i don't spend all the time i can with them.

Yeah...hobbies can save your soul...<br />
read so many stories like this and I just don't know what to say except that I am sorry. I have issues too, and it is hard to deal with them alone. Please, find a good friend and forget about trying to find true love blah, blah, blah...if that is what you are looking for you won't find it. It will find you and it might not even be romantic love...look at your children.

can't find a hobbie or passion that i can stick with...at first all about it....then fizzles...can't look for friends...people act weird around me...worried too much about what people think about me...i think

you being on this site will bring you freinds,sometimes you might be lucky and find a guy that is what you are and wants just somebody to sit and watch sunsets with

You might be ****** up yourself, but you've got two sons. They are two good reasons to carry on trying to make a success of life.<br />
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So how about re-writing your description of yourself to something like this:<br />
"hi, my name is ****** I am a mother and I've been a wife. I have 2 sons, who I love and work hard for. I am an alcoholic but have not had a drink for xxxx days and I have suffered with mental health problems, which I am actively managing by taking medical advice." You could also add a list of hobbies and interests - you may not have hobbies and interests now but I suggest you get some. It will help you to stop feeling that your life is all about your head. It is also about what you leave behind or do for others. Things you write, things you say to cheer people along, any arts and crafts that you do - these are all part of your life too. And each little thing of beauty you manage to create will stand on its own as a good thing that you did in your life.

I like this reply because you are a good person and you want to make her feel better. Rewording the way she feels would probably make her look better. But I'm sure she worded it just the way she felt...for me when I'm in the pits....I just can't word it any other way...if I do....it is not the way I feel. Lost27 you are not alone...now my mind is messing with me...maybe bpds should not talk to each other.

You are in such a place and so sad and miserable, yet because you write and let others see, there is a reason for us to leave you comments. Nothing we can really do to help, other than to let you know that your words were read. I hope you write more for us to see and comment on.