What Do You Get When You Cross A Borderline With Rejection?

As much as I refuse to show it and as much as I fight it...I'm weak, dependent, pathetic, over-emotional, and paranoid. I can't even tell what a normal reaction would be, is mine normal or way over the top or normal? You would think I would have learned by now that nothing is permanent, that rejection is part of my theme.

2 lessons my mother taught me- Never depend on anyone but yourself and you will survive anything, the sun will come up tomorrow your heart will beat, and you will live through it.

I'm just tired of just surviving. I use to look at "normal" people and think their lives must be so boring and I was terrified to become that but now all I want is to be "normal". To not let every thing someone says to me just totally crush me. To not be dependent on anyone but myself for anything. It's just so difficult because I can mask it but the feelings of emptiness makes me sick at my stomach, my legs go weak, and I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I just hate even having friends, relationships anything because eventually they just end up hurting me. I've gave 100% percent of my self so many times thinking that other people would do the same, that that's how it works. Wrong.

I guess I might as well give up on all this I'm a ****** up borderline/bipolar who will probably never understand how any of this is suppose to work for normal people. I will always end up ******* it up somehow. It's really like a sick joke to be alive and be a borderline with no emotional skin to protect me, who is so desperate for love, security, happiness yet have no idea how to handle or navigate through it. I am so weak it makes me sick.

Regardless of the pain when I wake up tomorrow I am going to let go of all this kill the weakness.
Nupi Nupi
26-30, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

I know how you feel. I have BPD. There has got to be someone out there that has a heart and the resilience to understand what happened to you to make you react this way. Please don't be hard on yourself. Please, you have got to be your own soldier. We are a special breed, not defunct or mutated. There is a reason for our mentalities, our mannerisms, the emptiness and hurt. Don't let the world trump your purpose and your talents. Everybody has something wrong with them-- and having BPD isn't even your fault! You can get through this. You will.