Mixed Emotions

I'm a very young adult who was just hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and they diagnosed me with bpd. I was relieved to finally know whats going on in my head, but became even more depressed when I researched bpd. I'm reading a book called, "I hate you- dont leave me" and in it it stated that therapists say we are the hardest to deal with of patients....which made me even more upset. That made me think, "****, even they don't want to be around us and thats their specialty!"
But let me give you a quick background of myself. I was raised in a low income family and by my grandma. My parents were in and out of my life..they were always on and off, never really together. They were drug addicts and alcoholics. My mom passed away of a drug overdose in 2002. I still dont see my dad, although he has tried to contact me recently, i havent responded...But not only has there been drama with my parents. My grandma went through a lot of abuse growing up. She raised us the best she could, but she was never emotionally stable. I've seen a lot of abuse and taken A LOT of emotional abuse growing up. 
My cousin also lived with me since birth and her mom was like a second mom, in ways, as i was growing up. But she was also into drugs, and still is. We have basically cut her off from the family bc of choices shes made. But she is just crazy now....
I feel like my whole family is crazy....I feel like i'm crazy. I can't even get what I want to say out anymore, like in this story. 

But anyway, I was a good kid. in all of the groups and programs I could get into. Straight A student and all that. But high school hit and everything kinda crashed. i started partying and dropped out of school as a result. 
Now I'm working on getting my GED. I have somewhat of a job. Its more like, they feel sorry for me, but are trying to help me get back onmy feet. But I just come off as a selfish ***** sometimes. Its hard to show appreciation anymore...or any other feeling. Which was a problem in my last relationship. I still cant figure out who was the bad guy, me or him? I'm thinking both. He was the best boyfriend i ever had. But after I lost my first job I got really depressed and he wasn't there for me emotionally at all...and things got sooo much worse. We started fighting every waking second, he went creepin around a little bit and I took it to the extreme when I found out, well caught him. He still wont admit he cheated.... but when I got angry, it showed very very much...as in holes in walls, broken mirrors, etc. 

Man, looking at this, it makes no sense really. I can't process my thoughts or emotions anymore. I feel stuck in my head. I feel socially awkward...i feel l ost. but I try and keep on with the motions of everyday life, just to please ppl around me. 
I want to do better for myself. I want to be happy. But i find myself not interested in a damn thing anymore. Its hard to put on a smile and just go with it... 
dessbrown dessbrown
May 5, 2012