Bpd And A Baby...

Well for starters I first found out I had BPD when I was 23 & in the Navy. Growing up in a small coal cracker town as the only interracial family was very hard. I was bullied and beaten almost every day. Although I was a great student, I had always had a hard time making and keeping friends. My first real boyfriend/sexual experience gave me herpes at age 16 and dumped me when I told him what he had done. After that I tried to fit in with anyone, but it seemed the only people willing to accept me were the "druggies". So I started rebelling at home, smoking cigarettes ( because the boy I had a crush on did it and dared me to also) and doing any drug I could come across. I went from an A student, good kid to a looser that no one wanted anything to do with. I lost interest in any sports or activities quick. My senior year in high school I was admitted to a rehab to snorting ritalin. I barely graduated needless to say. However at the time I had planned to join the Army, and they found out that I went to rehab & told me to get lost! So all hope of getting it together was lost. or so I though. I cleaned up my act & I was able to join the Navy. I excelled in boot camp and was promoted. After being stationed in San Diego,CA...3000 miles away from anyone I knew I was back to fitting in again. Partying like crazy! I was kicked out of the navy for a hot urinalysis, only after they discovered the BPD. I was given a second chance b/c my command liked me & thought I would get help.....but I popped again! So yet again I ruined my chances at a normal life, or so I thought. Before I was kicked out for good I met my husband , the only man that can tolerate me (sometimes!). I tried nursing school while he was deployed for the first 6 months of our marriage to keep me occupied. I did very well...however when he was gone I fell into my lonely world of "woe is me" and started doing drugs again & cheated on him. I still to this day regret that decision. Although my husband says he forgives me it eats me up inside that I did that to him. I beat myself up a lot. Moving on...8 years later we have a 4 month old daughter. During the pregnancy I quit smoking , ate healthy, & took good care of myself. Post baby I tried to breastfeed for two weeks but my anxiety that I had for the past 10 years got even worse & I had to formula feed . Now I take zoloft & ativan daily and I still don't feel ok. I get angry at my husband who is working and going to school full time because I am soooo stressed out at home with baby girl. I don't know what to do....Please someone tell me you understand where I'm coming from! Maybe not the same exact experiences but similar. I need help for my daughter's sake I don't want her to see mommy flying off the handle al the time, or god forbid have BPD too!
bpdandababy bpdandababy
31-35, F
1 Response May 7, 2012

you're not alone, please let me reassure you of that. I'm 37 and received my bpd diagnosis 3 years ago. I have two children, who are now 16 and 12. And oh my god how hard is it to bring up children with this condition and little or no support? I have no clue how I found the strength to cope. As a matter of fact, check that, I do know how I did it. I focused all my energy on bringing up my kids. Everything else was secondary to them. Everything. <br />
Please pm me and we can share experiences and support each other.<br />
Wishing you peace and calmness. Hugs. :)