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Update....

To all borderliners,

I feel compelled to write to you, but what I want to say isn't clear yet in my head.  I'm just going to go with it.  Bear with me.

For a couple of weeks I've been getting dialectical behaviour therapy, this is similar to CBT in as much as it teaches you techniques to manage the disorder, but this is  aimed at those with emotional disorders.

Perhaps I could offer a number of techniques and little bits and pieces of things i've picked up from various therapies and one helluva lot of research and personal exploration that have helped me on and off?

First off, I have a rule that I stick to, no matter what.  Don't be hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up about things. Absolutely no negative self-talk is allowed.  Accept that you can only do the best that you can in any given situation, and if your 'best' doesn't seem to be enough for you, accept that too.

Secondly know that you are so much more than just the sum of your thoughts, emotions , memories, physical sensations and evaluations.  Just because you 'have the feeling of' for instance,, intense grief, doesn't mean that is all you are about or all you will ever be about.  Emotions etc constantly come and go like waves, try to accept them for what they  are.......just emotions.

Thirdly, do things one at a time.  Everything you can.  When you're cooking dinner, just consider the smells, the tastes, the feel of the heat from the oven, use your senses and when other thoughts intrude, as they inevitably do, try to acknowledge they are there and then let them slip out of your mind and continue with your cooking or whatever task you are doing.

Fourthly, those of us with this disorder know that we are probably constantly in a state of heightened emotion of some kind.  Try to calm this busyness in your mind.  Buy a meditation cd; count your breaths; observe without making evaluations or judgements an object. Try to do this every day.

Fifth, we have probably all been told that we are not good enough through our lives, we have been made to feel wrong about 'thinking this way', 'feeling this way', 'behaving this way'.......i'm here to tell you that you ARE good enough.  Exactly as you are, with no equivocations.  you have as much right to be you as anybody else has to be themselves.  

You are a worthwhile person, be kind to yourself....

Ok, I think I'm done for now. Please leave me feedback and let me know if this kind of post is at all useful to you.

With love  xxx
charlie248 charlie248 36-40, F 34 Responses May 8, 2012

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Thank you for the wonderful advice ... and hope!!!

I am about to start Dialectical Behavior therapy on Thursday with a new social worker, for the first time. I hope it helps me...Sometimes, I don't feel like anything could change this mental state. It seems to be my "default setting." I just can't ever fully escape the void, the anxiety over space and silent air, the confused humming/static in my head that should be my "voice", and the suspicion that I've already been abandoned. Do you feel like this therapy helps you a lot?

Hi, this is a hard thing to write because my wife and I have been married 31 years and have one 29 daughter. Last dec. my wife gave me a magazine and said " read this" I did and wow I knew right then and there that I had ADHD my whole life! After it being confirmed by a doctor, yes I am severe ADHD. After 1-2 weeks of medications WOW life is totally different as long as I stick to it and therapy. Well now after 9 months of treatment everything makes more sense and my daughter is getting married in May 2014 which is wonderfull. That is until she moved to Texas with her future husband and has informed me she "doesn't want Mom at her wedding because it will be a disaster". I now have realised my wife has Borderline Personality Disorder and our therapists have told both me and my Daughter we should not tell my wife that? Now she went on facebook and has seen my Daughter and family with her while trying on dresses, etc. Geez, I felt terrible for her because she is extremely hurt - angry - etc and realizes there is a terrible problem but she just doesn't get why our Daughter is so distant and angry? Between my ADHD and her BPD has caused our Daughter to have grown up in her own living hell. Because we have our own disorders we some how have lasted this long not ever seeing or suspecting our Daughters whole experience until now. My wife has not been told or even thinks she has any problem at all because all the problems are from my ADHD. I have talked to my daughter and we now have a true relationship ( wife doesn't know ) but she will not speak to her mother from anger issues while on emails or phone calls between them. HOW DO I TELL MY WIFE THE WHOLE TRUTH WITH OUT DRIVING HER AWAY OR DENYING ALL HER BEHAVIER ??? This is killing me as my wife thinks every one is against her and taking her daughter away from her...Thank you for any advice

I do this sometimes, but i just go back to my emotional feelings that overwhelm my judgement.

Well done! I don't have BPD but rather brain injury along with a degenerative brain condition. Those with brain injuries can use this list to good effect... doctors don't tell us how to manage our injuries, and many with injury are wrongly diagnosed with BPD.

Oh wow, thank you so much!
I have close personal experience with somebody with brain injury, not the same as you - hug - but your post helps me put some things to rest as well as bringing to light a little known point about effects of brain injury.
I'm a little at a loss.... which isn't much like me, I feel very moved by your answer, thank you. xx

::Hugs!::

Charlie, thank you so much for writing here and for your slivers of information about what you are learning in DBT.<br />
but to whom do we reach out, when we have run all our friends off because they have grown so weary of our emotional states? i try not to lean on the very few friends i have left, as they can't take my ongoing lapses of depression, and i'm well aware that it's too much of a burden for them to lift me up.. but it's recently been suggested that i have BPD, and I am so incredibly alone in this. no job, no relationship, no pets, no kids, elderly family is far away. i have a caring therapist who i see every few weeks (she is semi retired), but that is but one hour. i'm just so tired of myself, yet am too broke to take myself out..

Maybe for now but later it will create a problem and you know why

Could you clarify sinathamby? I don't understand what you're referring to...

I have a feeling of understanding now, thank you..

I may only be paraphrasing some of the things you've said...

I don't have BPD. I truly believe it's caused from some horrific abuse or abandonment that happens to you when you're very young. It breaks my heart to think of a child so young feeling such intense pain, then growing up to become a person who has to suffer with BPD!

Whatever you do, don't make yourself "wrong" for having BPD. You are not "weak" or "bad". You have BPD because you survived something horrible. If you hurt someone or lash out, try to make amends to them (if they're open to it), but don't bully, berate or shame yourself. You've suffered enough. I know it's often beyond painful to have BPD, but however you learned to cope is what saved your life and kept you alive. Don't punish yourself for having a disorder you didn't ask for.

I love you people.

You are a beautiful person! Thank you so much for your understanding and support X
God bless and keep you, my friend :) x

Sounds like staying in the present moment is helpful for those suffering with bpd. I remember how much meditation helped but stopped doing it for some reason. I get scared of letting go of my thoughts and emotions sometimes because I feel like it's all I've known. But I have to let it go otherwise my life is just going to be a crazy rollercoaster all the time. Anyway this was very helpful

I found out I was Borderline about 5 years ago. After I read the book I Hate you, please dont leave......I finally found someone who knew what was going on with me and they wrote a book about me (or it seemed that way). I found a good therapist who also teaches DBT, very good stuff and helps to stop the brain from thinking too much at one time. My problem is sticking with it. I never feel like I am doing it good enough

I have been recently diagnosed having boderline personality traits, and to be frank, right now I am going berserk with all the suicidal thoughts and other self harming thoughts running in my head... Not able to think of any reason to continue... not able to trust humans. but still somewhere deep inside still want to live my life. I am confused and I am sure I will fight my level best, not to take any such step. Got to save myself from me. I dont feel like going back to my psychiatrist, after he said I seek attention, which is simply not the case. Dont really know where I am heading towards. Thought sharing it here might help.

i am in a rush at the moment and am only able to read about half of your story, however i wanted to quickly let you know that i just met with someone offering me dbt (which i think will be hugely helpful to me since NO other therapy has worked) however he requires a contract and a total cost of services exceeding $3,600. i felt so hopeful about what he was telling me, how it seemed so right, then he hit me with the price tag. i desperately would like some advice, an outline of the skills maybe, anything you are willing to share since i can't afford the services. thank you for your time!

I'm so sorry for my tardy reply, my friend. Please feel free to inbox me and I'll be all too glad to share my experiences of Dbt with you.

Hey Charlie. I think you are definitely on something good here. This helps me to stick to my prayers in the middle of intruding emotional states. That's how i used to quiet my negative thoughts. That was prior to me knowing that i am borderline. I just found out few days ago. The whole year i thought i was straight up sociopath and before that i knew i had something going on. I meditated then but got severely depressed and dropped anything that had to do with God or higher power. I started blaming everything and everyone. Now i am looking for solutions again and i m very thankful for reading your post.

Oh, my dear, you were only diagnosed a short time ago. God bless you. The paths those of us with personality disorders tread are often painful and difficult, I see, with sadness, you are the same. I hope very sincerely that you are able to resume your meditations, to be honest, sometimes it's only when I'm meditating that I find peace. God bless you, thank you so much for commenting and I'm wishing you every good thing in the future.

@survivalinstinct - I was told last week that I was suspected to have an emotional disorder by an assessor, when they looked at my files. But when they met me, they said they weren't so sure. Now I'm in a state of confusion until my first private therapist appointment. I have been doubting all of it, thinking that in just a hypochondriac of sorts, but when you mentioned that you dropped everything to do with a higher power or God when you entered depression, it was like you are me... I had just been trying to explain this to my mum the other day, and trying not to sound like a lunatic at the same time. Thank you at least, for allowing me a moment to think I'm not alone. Xx

thx for posting this it is very encouraging and i really appreciate it!

My pleasure, my friend, thank you so much for commenting. Bless you, sending you love.

I need stuff like that to remind me how to be so I dont self destruct or completelyffreak out. Thx again.

Pretty ballsy to admit a problem like this so openly. You're pretty brave to do such a thing.

Thank you for commenting, and what an interesting one. Do you know, it never once occurred to me that disclosing in this way could be considered brave. How kind of you to be supportive. To be honest I've always had a firm belief that standing up and telling people about mental health issues is the only way to combat the stigma which seems to accompany them. Many thanks again.

This post was very helpful to me as my therapy stopped a few months ago because my therapist left and that left me feeling very abandoned, its nice to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

Thank you for reading my friend. It's been a while since I posted the above, but it fills my heart to see people such as yourself being so kind as to comment.
I wonder where you at now? I hope this is a good and peaceful time for you, so sorry to hear that your therapy stopped. I can relate to your feelings of abandonment, exactly the same thing has happened to me. God bless you, sending you love and strength.

Your words have great meaning and and are uplifting to read. Thank you

Thank you :) I'm grateful to you for taking the time to read my post :)

Thank you very much for writing this, I have been trying to find some advice and techniques that have helped others, I am still waiting to get into the doctor and get help and this seems like it may help me til I do so and even afterwards too, thank you again for sharing and trying to help others with the same problem.

I hope that these tips and techniques do help you my friend. God bless you and know that you're far from alone in living with the difficulties you do. Don't isolate yourself, my dear one and always remember to keep reaching out for help when you need too :) xxx

Thank you! My therapist has been telling me to do the same, but it resonates much more deeply from someone who is experiencing it firsthand. Much love to you during your healing process. Thanks for sharing.

Love to you also, dear one, sending you hugs. Thank you for commenting :) xxx

Much thanks, many timess, too many actually I have beaten myself up for way too long over stuff--days, months, years.

I sincerely hope that you begin to accept yourself exactly as you are now, dearest. Beating yourself up is no way to live your life. Sending you love xxx

Good simple advice on how too live :). People make life FAR too complicated too realise this

Thank you Mike. I appreciate your comment :)

Also, since talking to you on here, youve reminded me not to beat myself up. Lately it has been hard because of my tramadol use and the guilt behind that, and recently no one has really been sympathetic to my issues, because of the fact that im bringing a life into the world, everyone seems to think i'm selfish for even moaning and im just a breeding cattle who is gonna squeeze out this new family member for my boyfriends family. (Thats how I think they see me anyway..) i'm rambling now. Just forgot to add, I am struggling with not criticizing myself. Anyway bye for now!

First I want to say, great post Charlie! Thankyou.
Daisy, your post hit home because I also take Tramadol. For someone with my major depression and anxiety, it is something that helps a lot to pull me out of the darkness. I've been through all the anti-depressants and what's great about Tramadol is not only is it an opiate, it raises serotonin, so it has an anti-depressant effect. I've been on it for about a year now, mostly on the weekends because that's when I'm out with my boyfriend. I have beat myself up over the guilt of taking Tramadol and feeling like a bad person. But we're not bad people, we've been dealt a tough mental illness. No one beats up on people who take pain medicine for arthritis, fibromyalgia, whatever it may be. They suffer with physical pain, we suffer with mental pain. When I was getting my disability, even my lawyer told me that mental pain is the same as a broken leg, etc. I don't know how many Tramadol you take, but please be careful. It can cause seizures, even if you've never experienced seizures before. And if you're trying to get off of it, you may need to get into a rehab or get a doctor's help. I have experienced Tramadol withdrawal before back when I was taking it every day, it is NOT something to take lightly at all. It messes with you mentally and physically. It's the worst feeling, but luckily, I was able to get some Vicodin to help take away the withdrawal symptoms until they were over. If you can't get Vicodin, look for Bali kratom online. It's a legal plant that works as an opiate and can definitely get you through the hard withdrawals. I wish you nothing but the best. Also, if you try to quit Tramadol, don't go cold turkey. You need to slowly cut down on your pill intake. Keep your head up and be kind to yourself :) If only I took my own advice. Hehe Music is my religion, it helps a lot. I tend to wallow in very depressing music like Ryan Adams and Elliott Smith. I like when you said you're going to try to listen to more positive music. It really does make a big difference and can put you in a good mood. I will try to listen to more positive music as well. Country music usually soothes my soul in that way. Carrie Underwood "So Small" is a nice one for inspiration. My heart goes out to you and I love you. I love all of us who deal with Borderline Personality Disorder. It really is something that's unique and we have to realize how special we are and that we are worthy of love and worth fighting for! *HUGS*

as always Blackberry , im ecstatic ive recieved such a relative response, that theres someone out there going though almost identical struggles to me...the only thing I will mention though is that I have been on tramadol for 5 years so I also know a lot about withdrawal experiences and seizures etc. and I feel it should have been obvious that i'm not ignorant about my tramadol use. :)
I have went many times when running out of my supply of withdrawal, and the only way I describe it as is I feel like a fish out of water!
I especially cant go cold turkey now as im 7 months pregnant and you can get seizures from the withdrawal too...I couldnt imagine life without using them. The thing they did for me is just seemed to fix my social anxieties, and gave me something more than nil self-worth. I actually felt worth something. When I tell people without bpd and who hasnt had a dependancy on tramadol they just cant understand it..my mother used to say "theyre just painkillers!" but they were so much more for me. I actually benefited in school, I made friends and my confidence built...artificially, of course...now theyre just another thing on my list of issues that need sorting.
I will google vicodin and bali kratom, definately as ive never heard of them, and have never found anything to substitute them in withdrawal. The first couple of times id try plying myself with drink but to no avail as the muscle cramps were still there! Now when it does come to the point of my supply running out, I just drink a load of tea and take paracetamol and ibuprofen...doesnt stop it being hell, though.

I cant help thinking maybe, just maybe if mental health services hadnt of neglected me...I might have got the right therapy to get me by each day, and found the right anti-depressants...then I could start using my own will power to ween myself off them. But right now in my life, I just couldnt go back to the nervous wreck I was before I was taking them...I need a lot of support. I hope we talk a lot more over inbox?? Im so excited that we have these struggles in common and I look forward to talking to you! xx

the busyness in my mind - especially worry - has seemed to be making me ill lately. I found out I was pregnant 4 months bloody into it, and am now 7 month. I am absolutely ******** myself. "Will I be good enough?" "what if I have an anger outburst in front of the baby?" "what if I get so stressed i'm violent to my boyfriend again?" "what if I start drinking again?" "what if social services take her?" "what if Lew (boyfriend) 's parents find out about my tramadol usage?" "what if she has to be weened off tramadol?" Yes its true I have been addicted to tramadol, the opiate presc<x>ription drug since I was 14 and have not managed to stop throughout my pregnancy. I worry about what its doing to her, so take more. Makes sense Daisy!<br />
But yeah. I will definately try to take in my surroundings. When I go out, I breathe in the fresh air and keep my head up, even when im terrified that somebody is going to judge me. I give myself rewarding thoughts for achieving going outside. I will make it my goal after this post to listen to more positive music, and take in the senses around me wether its cooking or anything else. I have found myself my favourite motivation song at the moment and that is Keane - starting line if anyone is interested. Honestly, listen to the lyrics, its wonderful. Although its encouraging I do tend to tear up whilst listening to it while getting ready so mascara runs down my fac halfway through doing my makeup, so I would avoid listening to it then lmao!

Oh my dearest Daisy!
Your post made me cry! I'm so very proud of you for fighting so hard. I know so well that it can seem like an uphill battle. It IS an uphill battle, my luvey. But look at you! You're so self aware, you're fighting my girl!!! In addition to the fact that you're carrying a baby! As if that weren't a challenge enough on it's own!!
I can tell you right now that when that baby is born your worries will just melt away in the love you feel for that child. I know for a fact that you will be the best mum that you can be- and you know what? That's all you can be! There are many, many parents out there who don't even care enough during their pregnancy to worry about their unborn child. The very fact that you are worried about him or her shows me that you will give this baby your all. And to hell with what other people think, screw them all!!! Including Lew's parents and what they may or may not find out!
My darling, you know that worrying about things that haven't happened yet is just borrowing trouble and you don't need that extra pressure in your life.
As for the tramadol. Do your damndest to cut down on your intake of them as much as you can. Replace the control you feel the tramadol gives you with other things. Use guided meditations on youtube for peace and positivity and relaxation. Read up on stories by other mothers. Keep your mind occupied. You CAN do this, my sweet girl.
I'm in a similar boat right about now so far as addictions are concerned. Because I've made the decision that enough is enough.
I'll inbox you more sweetheart.
For now, you have my support and I'm sending you and your baby all my love xxx
oh and one more thing. We will not allow the social services to take that baby away from you. I've been there and have fought like something scary to get them back. As it stands they were only away for a couple of weeks, they came back to me so soon because I would not have it any other way, they shouldn't have been taken away in the first place. Don't let this bother you. It won't even happen. It won't.

Very nice and inspirational post , you are so true , we have be able to let ourselves go out of this state of being constantly worried of how others will think of us , we are who we are and they should accept us this way. I'm tired of pretending how my friends want me to be so I cannot have them worry about me , and be happy for me. Last thing meditation does work but it takes a lot of practice and I cannot focus very well :(

Absolutely! True friends will accept us exactly as we are anyway, there's no need to pretend to be someone we're not around them :) Meditation, yes, it does indeed take practise. i found that developing focus is similar to developing a muscle, for instance, in as much that as you exercise it, it gets stronger. Same principle anyway :) :) xx

hey charlie. I answered your question on Q&A, stalked your profile for a bit because i had nothing better to do..and i found this. Borderline personality disorder.... my friend has that as well. I've also read some DBT stuff for myself too. I dont have serious issues but it did help me a lot. I'm still stuck in life and i dont do DBT as much as I should but when i did do it, i felt better. I need to be more disciplined at it.<br />
<br />
Anyways, just giving a shout to you, nice one for encouraging people to keep pushing forward.

thank you :) I appreciate your kind answer, btw, and my best to both you and your friend :)

I have had DBT therapy and it has worked for me as well. As long as I stay in a mindful state I cope well. The trick is to practice the skills. Thank you for the reminders.

The biggest struggle I have so far is Radical Acceptance. These steps you have listed seem to take the label off that particular concept - the stigma I feel toward the concept. My boyfriend tells me to do it often, but it just makes me more upset. Counting breaths... I like that one.<br />
<br />
Thank you for posting this. Reminders of how to survive any given situation are helpful, as it is hard to remember what to do that will help a crisis end sooner, or at least with more self love.

do you find DBT helpful?

thank you.

Hey thanks, I am getting ready to do this kind of therapy too. It feels good to know that I'm not the only one who feels guilty all the time. It so frustrating to never get anything done because my mind is always changing

I needed this today. Thanks :)

very welcome :)