Mother Of Two Dealing With Bpd

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and at first i didn't know what it meant nobody explained it to me i didnt even understand the name of it i mean Borderline? Does that mean i Almost have a personality disorder? I was so confused so i did some research on a few different sites and it was seriously like reading my auto-biography. So many things that all of the articles talked about were exactly what my life was like and it was kind of a relief to have a name for what it was and to actually read and understand the disorder and now i see how some of the things i did in my past especially relationships were not neccessarily my fault and it gave me a slight peace of mind. I have two kids a four year old daughter and a one year old son and they both have different dads but my daughter thinks of my son's dad as her own calls him daddy and  everything and he is anything a girl would ever ask for in a guy and i could never figure out why i would purposely mess up our relationship like i couldn't allow myself to be happy and just know that there was no catch to him accepting my daughter as his own and that he is a genuine hearted person and only wants to make me happy and i showed him the research i found and he got to the parts about unstable and chaotic relationships and he had this slight smile on his face because that was exactly what i did and how our relationship is and i feel like now that we know this disorder plays a part we can talk a little bit better and know that its not entirely my fault and he is so understanding and he didnt handle my episodes well he would make me feel bad like everything he did wasn't enough  and when i used to cut he woudl get mad and it was difficult for him to learn that the mother of his children and the woman he loves has depression BPD and anxiety and he has been nothing but supportive when a lot of other partners would run for the hills and with this new found research i questioned a lot of things i wonder if i really am Bisexual or was that just another way of trying to find attention since i wasn't getting enough from men and as i looked back on a lot of my relationships i realized that i really was in a lot of sexual relationships that had nothing more to them and i am kind of scared if i can really overcome this disorder i mean is it temporary or is it something i will have for the rest of my life? And since i have it does that mean that my kids could have it too? i am constantly fighting the urge to cut but i have more control over it than i used to i havent' cut in a couple months but it is very tempting and its not to get attention i dont even cut anywhere that is noticable its more like the feeling of control i get to say how deep how long where and when and it opens a release for all the emotion when i feel like there are too much of too many different emotions cutting created an escape where the emotions could escape. To know that 2 out of 100 people have this disease kind of scares me because there are not a whole lot of people that are going through what i am going through and it would be so much better to have a support group of some kind where i dont feel ashamed or embarassed to say what i am feeling and there would be some people that understand and are going through it with me i would feel more comfortable knowing that i am not alone in this struggle and i talk to my closest friends and family but its different because they dont understand what it is that i am going through and i could really use a group or even a couple of people that are in the same situation and can really truly relate to me so i dont feel so alone in the world.
kayandajsmom kayandajsmom
22-25
May 9, 2012