Time To Let Go...

I don't usually do this sort of thing. Like, posting on forums...I've always been so embarrassed of my disorder and the way it makes me feel but if you are taking the time to read this, I appreciate it so, so much. It's hard to open up sometimes.

I was diagnosed with both BPD and Schizophrenia a year ago, but that's not when it began. I know from the way I feel right now that they both started when I was about 13. I really don't want to rant on or anything...but if you do think I'm ranting, please don't comment, because I can't handle it. Sorry...

I spend my life fearing things that are both "real" to most people, and "unreal" to most people. Between trying to do anything to cope with my suffocating emotions and hiding from demons I don't have much time to do stuff like this...psychosis aside, I find everyday is just so god damn hard to even contemplate. I have tried to drown out my experiences in alcohol, drugs, self-harm and, inevitably, suicide. I spent the best part of last year in a psychiatric unit...I'm 19.

Before I go on, this is NOT a sob-story. All I am trying to do is emphasize how BPD takes control of your life, the things you do, the way you think. I am now nearing 20 and have spent most of my teens intoxicated, in institutions, or locked away in my room. I was kicked out of school because I would get there in the morning and burst into tears...not only that but I would run away, I would shout at people, I alienated myself from my friends...and the whole time there was this tiny part of me shouting "DON'T. YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS." That voice was, of course, correct; why would a perfectly healthy teenager want to act like that? Everytime something bad happens, I can keep my cool for literally a minute, and then I will literally lost the plot. A situation a few weeks ago saw me trying to rip my hair out, throw myself in front of cars, and scratch my own face off. Because I just could not cope.

Please, please, please...if anyone who suffers from this has felt like they wanted to destroy themselves in the way that their disorder is destroying them...leave a comment :) I would love to hear from anyone who wants to tell me their story, anyone who understands how it feels to be trapped inside your own head, to be your own worst enemy...and you'll probably know what I mean by that consumptive physical feeling you get everytime you think of something even remotely upsetting.
WellBizarre WellBizarre
1 Response May 10, 2012

I know how hard it can be to open up, especially when you're young and afraid. Everyone here is lovely, and there's never any judgement - just support.<br />
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When the darkest, heaviest and most unbearable depression takes over, where you feel hollowed out, but your heart aches to the point where you can't bare the thought of being awake or alive - it's horrible and hard to explain to people, just like the psychosis, when you experience things that terrify or amaze you.<br />
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I've wanted to destroy myself so many times, and each time I seem to think "I've got a great idea! I'm going to do this right now...." like drinking bleach or nail varnish remover, breaking my fingers, jumping in front of a bus, cutting my face up or jumping out of the windows at work. I usually manage to stifle any impulse to do the awful things I'm thinking about, but the self harm, substance abuse and attempts at suicide have managed to win a lot. I like to think that I'm just a marvellous actress who can manipulate people into believing I don't need to be put in hospital. I'd go insane if I had to stay in one.<br />
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BPD is a consuming 24hr illness, that is complicated and different in each person. It's hard to be open and happy a lot of the time, and if we're trying to navigate through devestating depression, psychosis and paranoia, then it's all the more difficult. I thin the best thing for us to do sometimes, is to just get all of our built up emotion and feeling out, whether it's through talking, crying, laughing, writing or just screaming.<br />
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I hope I haven't gone on about myself or just waffled on about things. I just didn't want you to feel like nobody cared enough not to reply to your post.<br />
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