A Borderline Love Story

I know this is not technically about Borderline, but it is because unless you are borderline you will not really understand why my story holds so much intensity for me.
I will start at the beginning. A man, I have been in and out of his life, disappearing on manic episodes we were not really committed at times. I always loved him but he was so distant, and I was so crazy at the time. I knew that if we got really close, he would be the only one that would really destroy and shatter my heart so I was so scared to give it to him. The other men could hit me, screw me over, ect. but when they left it didn't hurt me.
So fast forward to a year ago. I had just had my twin boys (with a man who left me when I was 2 months pregnant) we started talking again. This time we both committed poured our hearts into this..even said I love you, which for him was huge. I thought we were making plans to build our life together. Then I got an unbelievable opportunity to move into a new house ( i was living with my mother at the time) but the catch is it is next door to a old hook up of mine. So moving day comes and he drops of the face of the planet, won't talk to me.

I eventually get him to tell me he is scared that I will go back to my old methods. I can understand that but he didn't mention this before that it would cause this. So now he is talking to me but it's different, no I love you's no calling me sweetheart, and honestly I don't know he is so vague and won't talk about feelings that I'm not sure to him that we are even still together! He stopped by to see my house and every time I touch him I feel it, and I'm afraid that he is cringing inside when I touch him. That feels like a dagger in my heart because we all know when you cringe when someone touches you that you cannot recover from that. I don't know what is going on and he won't tell me how he feels.

For me with my Borderline and Bipolar its the worst torture imaginable. I'm afraid to push him to talk about it because it will push him farther away. I'm so pathetic, needy, and dying that for the first time in my life I actually gave someone the real me, my entire heart, and my past ****** it all up. I'm trying to play it off to him but inside I'm dying. I'm in so much pain on every breath. I try to not act like the psycho borderline and act normal to him but it's torture to look at him because all I can see is snuggling in his arms, the feelings we had, how we made love. I'm all alone here in this house and abandoned by everyone and not really sure even why. If it wasn't for my kids I would do everything I could to numb this pain, but I have to get up I have to be sober and I have to go on with my daily routine while all the time my heart is dying. Anybody got any ideas? Anything that could help me deal with this pain? I go to therapy but he tells me just to sit back and wait.. (I think he forgets he is talking to a borderline/bipolar person and that just a little bit hard for me) all my mind can do is go over and over and over this. I'm in hell.

I hate myself that I was so dependent, that I Iet someone do this to me. I'm weak, but I've never loved anyone like this. He is right, I'm trash I based so much of my self-esteem on him backing me up that I was a good person but now he looks at me like everyone else, trash, and that hurts my soul.

I would do anything to go back to that day we were sitting at the edge of the lake, him holding me, laughing, and feeling like life was great and would be ok. Then one day it's just all gone.

Nupi Nupi
26-30, F
May 11, 2012