Saying Goodbye Is Hard/change Is Scary!

So two separate stories I want to share:

My college semester has just ended and I'm realizing how hard it is to say goodbye to professors who profoundly impacted my life. As a Borderline, I find myself constantly questioning; "Do I feel this way as some sort of borderline symptom? or is this normal?"

Yesterday was my last psychology class with an amazing professor. She embraced that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and did the best she could to help me through the semester. At the end of the class, I gave her a hug and the moment I walked out the door, I started crying hysterically.

In my mind, that was an overreaction... It brought up a past relationship I had with a woman (she was like a second-mom to me) who abandoned me.. I began thinking about that and it only intensified my emotions for my professor. I feel this sense of being "lost" now that I don't have her guidance or care.

I keep thinking that if I e-mail her how I feel and how much she impacted me, she won't want to leave me but the funny thing is; she isn't leaving me--the semester ended!

On top of that, I recently got hired in a position that will solve all of my financial problems and make life better for my husband and I in general.... I find that I'm terrified. I'm terrified to fall into a false sense of security (which is something Borderlines desperately need). I find myself crying all the time and feeling left without a paddle... Completely lost in something so unknown and I hate it!

I have tried sharing how I feel with others but they don't understand...They see the end of my semester as a good thing and position as a wonderful thing.. I know it's wonderful but I'm terrified!

Honestly, I'm not sure if this story is appropriate for the "I have Borderline Personality Disorder" group but I honestly feel that my BPD is definitely adding to what I feel and making things ten times worse.

Anyone else ever experience something like this? Any comments or insights are welcome!
KittyFelix KittyFelix
26-30, F
2 Responses May 11, 2012

Hii, i know your pain. Be happy you've accomplished something. And see if she'll stay in touch. My therapist always told me to focus on what i want, not what i don't want. -steven

It's completely normal...for a Borderline. I'm struggling with moving myself and my semester ending as well. You think it would be great, but I'm scared to death and feel so lost. I think Borderline's (that I know of) feel lost when something changes, and we put so much into building a relationship (like with classmates and teachers) and then are expected just to let go, I have yet figured out how to do that. I don't have any good advice to make it better, but I totally understand how you feel and am going through something similar if it helps.