Struggling With The Mask!

I have hit what I can call a brick wall, I am stuck within my own emotions, when I was somewhat free to express whatever emotion took over me, I now feel I can't and in all honesty it is becoming unbearable. I am scared I am going to snap like I have done over so many years, but I know I can't. I keep getting the 'urges' just to free some of this emotion, but again I feel I can't. I feel somewhat isolated, but yet I want to be alone?! 

Living with my family now it does feel like I have to wear a mask constantly, they are aware of what I am going through, my granny is a counsellor which should be of help. But she is still family and she has that emotional attachment to me which means it wouldn't help in the slightest. I don't want her to see who I am,  really am, although she will eventually. I am just so scared right now. I know that I am a bubble about to burst and I can't control it any longer. 

I am keeping myself to myself but at the same time that is not doing me any good, it is just making me steep further into the depressive mode, which I know my granny has noticed already. I was so close to shouting at her today as well, no reason I just felt so angry and I know it was probably anger at myself. 

I just want to break free have my rant, cry, scream and whatever else. 

I don't know how to explain how I feel to anyone as half the time I don't know myself.

I actually found it easier when I was living with my ex partner as yes he may have contributed to how I am, but at the same time he just let me get on with it I guess in some ways. Although it wasn't fair on him, seeing the person he loved being so destructive and I was either pushing him away or wanting him - then i always questioned why he was cold with me.

I have done it with my family over the years, pushing them away then needing them again, now I am in a situation where I can't push them away although I feel I want to and need to for my own selfish stake. I guess I am stuck!

My head is all over the place, I just don't know what to do. For if I keep trying my hardest to keep this mask on, I know it will eventually come free without me wanting it too. 

enchantedjinx89 enchantedjinx89
22-25, F
1 Response May 15, 2012

God bless you I know how hard this is to deal with

I thought staying with family would make it easier, obviously not lol

When my marriage broke down I stayed with my mum for a while and no family make it harder never easier. I also know how you feel as am very much the same. Calm mostly but when I get pushed my tongue is like a run-a-way train. I just cant stop. I have had my mask on for about 30years now and although it slips at times I manage to put it back eventually. Only positive I can add is you are not alone even when you think you are

I have since come to realise that the mask will never be on firmly even though you wish it to be. I managed so hard tonight to hold it in place, I ran away as usual as I was scared I would blow the roof with my granny (whom I am staying with) but I came back down and acted like nothing was wrong I was pleased with myself. I had the cry to myself and I was done. Hence why I have realised the mask is never fully in place or I wouldn't have had to run away and do whatever to deal with what I was confronted with! I mean I feel to some degree there is a mask or I wouldn't personally think i would have any one in my life, but i believe it slips more than I think. as you get that look, or someone mentioning your behaviour etc at some point. I mean my main issue tonight was I met with an old uni mate who finished her course just Monday passed, and I stupidly left (still not sure why to this day I did - think I got bored, scared etc) and I told my gran. And over the years I have chopped and changed my mind about what I want to be/do (which I thought was fairly normal for my age) but its just too much I guess. Then my gran mentioned all these people this evening that are in professions that once upon a time I wanted to do ... social work, criminal psychologist, mental health work and psychiatrist and after she spoke of these people she pointed out .... 'oh you could have done that' i dont know if she meant it or if it was a sly dig at my failure to actually do something. I already have a huge thing in the back of my head saying you suck without her saying that. But I managed to keep my cool with her, which was suprising and just wore a smile once i came back from hiding. and normally i would have went mental at someone saying something like that. xx