Im Not A "*****" Im Sick And Im Not Just Making Excuses!

I have always been a little different. from a young age I was described as "In her own little world"  My mom thought my nervous twitches were cute or something, she kept a diary and updated it each time my tick changed. (twitching my nose, squinting my eyes....) Now I have managed to keep the ticks somewhat controlled, at least not visible to the people around me, usually its wiggling my toes or clicking my nails together, I got a ring cuz in Jr high I remember having one and I would spin it all the time. So sometimes I do spin the ring, but its mostly the toes and fingers thing. And my boyfriend jokes that watching a movie with me on the couch is like living in California (earthquakes) I wont even notice that my leg is swaying frantically until he reaches over and placed his hand on my knee.

so that's the neurotic part,  I could go on and on (eating skittles in the exact right order by color, constantly repeating the "happy birthday" song in my head in alternating keys.....)

I also have memories from childhood of crawling behind the toilet to cry and not knowing why I was crying. ...I cant help but wonder why my parents didnt seek help for me all those years ago.

I have not been officially diagnose with BPD but when my therapist told me to read "I hate you dont leave me" I finally felt that somebody understood what I am going through and began to research BPD. I must have printed out 100 articles by now. I guess the hope is to have my BF read them so he will understand me better. He has read a few and that does make me feel like he cares, but then other times he gets so angry at me when I tell him I felt offended by something he said or did/didn't  do. It had always been liek this, but now that we both know that I am sick I guess I was hoping that he would cut me a little slack once in awhile. I am doing better too, since  became more aware I have been able to "check myself" and have been able to avoid a lot of drama. I guess I feel that because I am working very hard at this he should be able to put in some effort too. I have even gotten better about HOW I tell him he has upset me. and he still gets mad at me for feeling the way I do.

That leads us to the biggest issue at this point. Now that I am aware that I may have BPD I am PAINFULLY aware of all the destruction that I have been leaving in my wake. This is not helping with the consistent guilt and anguish I feel when everything is going fine. The second there is any kind of hiccup I begin to spiral. And once I begin to spiral I loose all ability to check myself.  I have however changed how I handle that too. I used to "lecture" my BF on all of the things he did/does to make me feel bad. (and I would react as if he were doing these things to me maliciously). I would yell scream anything I could to make him feel as awful as I did. that I know better, I just retreat when Im feeling this way. Ill just go into the bedroom and cry and cry. I think to myself how much I hate him, how he doesn't understand, doesn't WANT to understand what Im going through. I want him to come into the room and hold me but at the same time I don't want him anywhere near me.

I feel like all he has to say is "you know I would never make you feel that way intentionally, I love you" and then hold me. but if he doesnt do this right away and I spiral, no amount of loving words or hugs will help because at that point he is now the devil.

My main anger lately is that now that he know whats wrong and how to fix it, why isnt he changing the way he reacts to me when I get upset over something small? he could so easily subdue the beast by saying the previously mentioned words and holding me but instead insists on fighting the beast to the death.

All I can do right now is try to focus on fixing myself and pushing forward and try not to let the lack of support from my BF hold me back.

I really loved reading these stories because I feel like you guys are the only ones in the world who understands me right now. I am so grateful for it that I felt I needed to contribute. If my words can make anybody feel understood and validated then they have not been written completely in vain.
Anyone else feel the need to be perfect all the time and feel they are lower than **** when they cant achieve that goal?
Has anyone else had a different friend and identity for every year of their life?
pushing 30 and still dont know who you are?
Me too.
confusedandfrustrated confusedandfrustrated
5 Responses May 16, 2012

Hey, you sure you aren't me? Lol... I had to laugh when I read your post. Not because it is funny of course but it sounds so familiar. Did it, been there, and I bought the shirt.<br />
I am 45. I had no idea until recently that I may have had BPD as early as 4 years old. I spent a lot of time playing house with my dolls and they would just cry and cry and cry. I would talk to myself and hear a whole conversation in my head as if I were rehearsing something. I loved to sing so I would do that all day long just so I wouldn't be alone with myself.<br />
The last thing I want to be is weird. I don't think that you are either. I wish people could understand this disorder. What is wrong with a little common courtesy and manners once in a while? It doesn't mean if you submit to the monster you are a weaker person; it says that you care about us and can help us defuse.<br />
I was the kid who moved a lot. Never in one place too long and a new friend in every new town or school district. You would think I was pretty good at making friends (well, yeah, I am) but I am great at scaring them away in a pinch too. I can be as sweet as molassis one minute and tear your face off the next.<br />
You work on you. Don't let someone else dictate to you what you are capable of achieving. You can do this and when you think you can't you will prove yourself wrong.

I relate to everything you've said. You're not wierd or alone.<br />
<br />

"All he has to say is 'I love you' and hold me". Exactly how I feel when I'm feeling terrible, but they always get angry and upset

I completely understand how you feel to the point of where I could've wrote it myself. Wow...I am still trying, battling for that matter everyday. It IS hard! If there is anything you need to share with me or ask please feel free to p.m. me. I will definitely like someone else so similar to talk with and not feel judged. Ya know.

Ya. I am going on 29 and have no clue who I am either. I haven't been diagnosed with bpd but I am pretty sure this is what I am struggling with, seeing as so many of the symptoms read me like a book.