Never Normal

living in my world is hard you think your ok one minute then the next your world just turns black i had been in a 3year relationship with my partner witch life was never easy i was depressed all the time hearing things paranoid violent  suicidal self harming i just wanted my life to end 
i'm struggling to let go i'm still inlove with my ex but then again i don't know if that's just my personality telling me i am ive been talking to another man online saying thing that i don't even realise i'm putting to me it's normal but to my ex i'm talking to this man as though we are in a relationship but were not but the problem dosen't end there now i'm getting paranoid and flipping out i feel like i'm just loosing touch with reality and the people around i'm accusing him of wanting to get with someone but he's always telling me he dosen't but i just won't allow myself to believe it i'm constantly fighting with myself to have days where i don't go on about the same thing all the time but my anxiety and stress and paranoia always wins then i'm back to stage one and it's so upsetting i'm always letting myself down it's hard to believe i was diagnosed as having a personality disorder of borderline type moderat to servear the minute i found out what that ment for me i felt so useless to never be able to live a normal life i've been trying to be normal for so long and it's very lonely when you live in an area where there arent many people that you can talk to about your problems i suffer with headaches coz of my personality disorder i get myself so worked up to the point where my head just feels like its going to blow i guess i'm just making things worse for myself by still living with my ex who is my carer but it's unfair on him but he keeps saying he s content and that he's staying of his own free will but how am i going to cope i'm always starting a stupid argument it's just getting harder for me i just feel like i'm loosing my mind and my will power to care i even came close to cutting my rists last week coz i just can't go on any more i've lost everything coz of this personality disorder my son's my daughter and now my partner i have nothing to loose i'd probably gain more from ending this sad life id be happy at least i won't be able to hurt anyone and people can think what ever they want to think i'm tieard of living in the dark i want to see the light at the end of the tunnel c1
claire19 claire19
26-30, F
2 Responses May 18, 2012

Sorry my grammars terrible I meant hear

My sister also has mental problems, she is bi-polar in an extreme way, she's on medication and there's been times where she's disappeared or lost touch with us for a few then turned up at my mam's in tears, she used to here voices in her head, I think she maybe has something worse than that but I'm the youngest out of the family so no one would tell me about it, my Auntie also has mental problems where she had to be sectioned once. So from someone in the local area I'm here for someone to talk to if you wish :) more than happy, its hard when you find out you have problems like that and won't deny its not easy to accept it when you have mental problems. I always fear one day that I could be diagnosed with something, my sister and auntie have problems so I always wonder about myself sometimes.

But just letting you know not a sleaze or anything like that cause in no way i'm like that but if you wish don't hesitate to friend me if you wish. Just like you said its not nice when you don't have people from local areas to talk to. Just offering my help. I can never help it and love trying to help others out. And I hope you can find the strength to lift yourself up, thoughts are with you.