I'm Losing This Battle.

Today is one of those days where I feel I'm losing this battle. I keep wishing my loved ones didn't love me and would give me permission to end my life. To deal with this disorder is to have an itch that burns and festers, yet you can't scratch it (Sorry for the imagery!). The smallest thing is a rejection causing people to walk on eggshells around me. How badly I want to take a razor to my skin but can't. There are too many changes and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I long for someone to talk to, for someone to hold me, but I can't connect to anyone... I still feel empty. Even if I had a thousand people around me, I don't think I would feel better. I wish I could cry and let it all out. I try to be positive and believe that this will go away... I don't want to hear another thing that says, "It doesn't go away... It doesn't get better," because if I hear that any more than I already have, I will not allow myself to go through this for the rest of my life... I can't do it. It's painful and I just want it to go away... I can't deal with it. I'm completely losing it, crying as I type this....I just want something to take this away. I want so badly for someone to understand me.... I don't see my therapist for another week... and I feel rejected by her for the smallest thing! ... I miss my professor... He was the only male I connected to, he made me feel understood and accepted (he knew I had BPD and it didn't phase him). I want to e-mail him ....I have no idea what I want... What do I expect from people? Can a person actually take this away or am I doomed? I don't know how to find it within myself right now to push this away... I have been sitting in the house all day doing absolutely nothing... I haven't eaten in four days...Blah make it stop! :(
KittyFelix KittyFelix
26-30, F
4 Responses May 19, 2012

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. It all sounds too familiar.

I know how you feel, I've only just this morning come out of an episode. All day yesterday and first thing this morning I was at rock bottom, crying, self harming and raging like a psyco, comtemplating suicide. I was pleading with my life that this 'sting' wouldn't last too long and just like that, a snap of a finger I was fine. I wish I could say/do something to bring u round again but I can't :(. Please hang on, u r not alone xxx

I know that nothing I say can change how you feel, because I've been there and I'm there right now. Just know: you're not alone.<br />
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Do try to get out of your house though, for any reason. I've found that it usually breaks up the monotony of life in general. for me at least.

I completely agree. The claustrophobia of the house and family can drive me insane. Getting away even for an hour is such a relief.

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I've been feeling the exact same way for the last couple weeks. I wish I could give you some good ideas that might help you, but I don't. All I can really say is...take it one day at a time. <br />
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I sincerely hope you find something that helps you get through this patch. If you need to talk, send me a message. <br />
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I hope you start to feel better soon

New facts and information are being learned about BP every day. It used to be thought of as an endless problem. Different approaches in therapy have been developed and have evolved which do help.<br />
DBT and CBT are twopf them. Ask your therapist if any of thes would help. Some meds can medigate some symptoms of BP. You are a person with certain personality traits. You are not BP.<br />
Try not to label yourself by BP. You are more than that. You are a person of unlimited potential. Please do not allow the diagnosis of BP control your life. It's not easy, but life can be rewarding with the right help and supportive people around you. In fact, those closest to you should also be educated as to BP to better understand you and better help you and the situation in general.<br />
I wish for you the inner peace you are seeking along with the ability to connect without the fear of abandonement.<br />
:-)paco35