Constant Struggle

I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder my junior year in high school.  After many experiences with drugs, self-mutilation, and depression, eleven years later I am now in a profession.  I worked my way through college while supporting my daughter and with the help of my husband.  Days are still very difficult for me.  I work in an emotionally charged environment and I have trouble managing my own emotions and feel immense pressure to because of the whole "professional environment" and "role model" stigmas.  Does anyone have any suggestions becuase my anxiety and emotional outbursts are getting worse by the day?  Thanks and be well.
illiel11 illiel11
26-30, F
15 Responses Apr 10, 2007

I am going to college and will be graduating this month. I was excused from my internship because I was told I had a bad attitude and this was when I wasn't even (or so I didn't think I was) reacting. It is hard, I know. I just started a new medication and it seems to help but unfortunately not all of the time yet. Good luck :)

thank you so much for sharing this. I was just diagnosed with BPD and I never want to let my life fall apart because of it. I work really hard not to let my pain hurt anyone else and it sounds like you're the same way.

I had to find an outlet for my emotions after work and weekends like physical exercise. I also am able to vent in my group therapy sessions and get input. It has been the key to stopping my outbursts as well as Tegretol. I am so much calmer happier and way less moody since Ive been on this med and the side effects are way less than a benzo or mood stablizer. I hope you can find your own way of coping and I agree with another who said change your thought process! Its very hard but with proper guidance you can get there! ITs worth the work!!

Hi -Highly recommend a Cognitive behavioural therapy online program that has been developed by an Australian University. Its Free :<br />
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Great for BPD and other Pd sufferers.

I too stuggle with emotional out burst I cry for no reason, or get angry. I never understood why untill i was diagnosed wit bpd I was like what is this? i thought i had a kick *** personality lol. i hate that i wear my heart on my sleve and so dam emotional, im very strong willed. and hate that people think im contradicting i dont really mean to be that way its just how i feel at the moment. realationships are the hardest for me, cause i dont trust anyone. i push them away and when they dont go anywhere i wonder whats the matter with them. i tried the meds it made my situation much worse, i became suicidal and was hospitalized 4 times in one yr. i havent been on meds for 3 yrs but everyday i stuggle to get out of bed, any suggestions?

Sounds like me w the relationships

I am asking this because when my husband and I received custody of his two children, the psychiatrist said his ex was "borderline personality". I read something on it, but it did not make sense. Can you tell me what it is? I am not being insulting, I just want to know after all these years.

You can't controll your emotions

Calla - it's been a long time, but I hope you'll have a chance to read this. Border line Personality disorder is a condition in which one's emotional state does not develop into that of an adult. That's not really it... no, it's that one's reaction to one's emotions don't really mature into those of an adult. The reactions of a sufferer with BPD are those of a child, with varying degrees of maturity.
Think about how a child craves attention and will do almost anything to get it. Think about how labile a child can be - how fast a child can switch between tears of despair and total joy. that is how those with BPD are. They are known for fostering chaotic environments and for creating extreme drama around themselves to satisfy their need for emotional reactions. At it's worst, there are those who are referred to have "Profound Borderline Personality Disorder," where the individual has the emotional development of a 1-2 year old, and spends all his/her time crying for his/her mommy. But if you engage such an individual in a factual discussion - about schedules or other kinds of objective material, they will respond as fully adult until the end of the discussion and then revert. It is a terrible and painful condition to have any sort of BPD, and those who have it suffer a lot.

hi constant struggle , its very hard to live up to peoples expectations all the time . I had a servere borderline disorder in my teens and early twenties , and now at forty i have borderline traits . I find medications for anxiety helps , and perhaps start a dairy of what your feelings are and set a time to this each day . I know this helps me , for your getting it out . I also find talking to a close family member or friend helps too . I wish you all the best and hang in there it does get better . mishy40

i have bpd and started a blog in the hopes of helping others by sharing my experiences, and i am in a 2 year treatment programm so i also add things of there from tools to handle stress and stuff like that, i will be adding more and more. I have already put some one there feel free to read all of the blogs i have put so far... :o)

Hi constant struggle, I applaud you for getting as far as you have with this disorder. I have had BPD since my teens and am only getting help now. Meds and therapy seem to be the only way to go. In therapy I have finally opened up and I am seeing how twisted my thoughts are and where my anger, shame, etc came from. I'm also learning that emotions are normal and that letting yourself have them helps dissapate their intensity. I've also started to force myself to do things that I usually hide from such as going out when I don't have to. Hope this helps<br />

illiel - what you are experiencing is happening to me. It's as if I was able to cope for the most part over the years, but now life's stressors seem to be taking a toll.<br />
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I am raising 2 boys alone and without financial assistance.<br />
I just received a promotion at my new place of employment and the culture is very charged as well. Never have I had so many people in "my business" and in everyone else's business for that matter. Never have I had so much management, mismanage policies and people.<br />
I am also going to uni with the goal of practicing child advocacy law if I am blessed to see that day<br />
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What I would suggest is mapping out your life, writing down what balls your currently juggling and discussing with your husband which balls you will need to drop or pass on to your him. You may have too much going on at once. Also, I may be reaching here, but only do what YOU can at work and don't push for more.... stand up for yourself with management if they begin to put pressure on. Don't avoid conflict or searing work related problems, nor act as a scapegoat for their issues.

Hey guys, just joined has anyone tried psychotherapy or CBT? Tracey

hi constant struggle. i totally understand your situation. i suggest you work on your thoughts. try to change the way you think, the way you see things. I know this is one thing that's hard for us to do. to be positive at all times. but we need to practice on that. changing our thoughts would greatly improve our behavioral pattern as well. so whenever you feel pressured or if you feel empty, try to refocus your mind on other things- good things that you have in life. divert your thoughts. do things that relax you. like watching a movie perhaps or meditating or going out with friends. i know it's not easy. as your name says, it's always a constant struggle for us. just dont be too hard on yourself. carpe diem.

God, I wish that I felt better just one day of the week

i know the feeling lately

i get alot also. lol i am on meds and it helps alil. but its in the mind control. <br />
how my dad always said it. your thought and feelings are put in a filing cabnet, and well ours is broke. it never stays shut. its like a tornado that never dies down. but with meds. it starts to die down. and i can like fight and put a block up and think of the emotions and thought that are running through me and ask why do i feel this. does it matter right now. no, can i even fix it? no. why worry and kill yourself over **** like this. of course i fall and get depressed at least 1 time a wk. but i am such a happier person. i think better and just feel better way more. i acually worked as a customer care rep. u call them when your cable is out. lol peole yell and cuss alot. and i just couldnt take it any longer i resigned and am getting help. i finally picked me over everything!

do meds help u at all? Klonopin is only reason I can even go to work. It kills the anxiety.<br />
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I hope you are managing better. I'm sorry to hear how overwhelming it is. 6 months ago I was a trainwreck. Unemployed. Only gained a little self esteem when i found job, but thats part of the BPD problem, over reliance on external structures for sense of self rather than healthy egoic development. When job dissapears, I dissapear.<br />
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Honey, I rely on the meds for now.<br />
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Much Love.