I Have Issues

Yesterday, I freaked out completely and hurt myself in front of my mom, which I've never done before. Everything came crashing at me at once and it's like something possessed me and I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and just slashed across my arm, then went and punched a hole in the wall. I've never been that driven to hurt myself before. Usually I'll go hide in my bathroom and slowly and methodically cut at myself, but this time it was different, and I just slashed fast and deep. I'm scared of myself. I wish I could just be a normal person. The worst part is that I'm in the healthcare field and help people with mental illness everyday, but I don't know how to help myself.
unboundedsubmission unboundedsubmission
26-30, F
1 Response May 21, 2012

Intense self-loathing led me to do it. It's been a rough 4 months. I was kicked out of graduate school for something that wasn't 100% my fault, then couldn't find a job for several months. I'm constantly having relationship issues on top of that. My mom called me an "idiot" for some reason and was yelling at me and this inner rage totally consumed me and I just ran across the room to hurt myself iwth the first thing I could find. <br />
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I first started cutting myself when I was about 15. My dad was a bad alcoholic and emotionally distant parent (my parents divorced when I was 3) and he put me through hell growing up, calling me names (like 'fat' etc) everytime I saw him, yeling at me and berating me for everything, and hitting me for little to no reason when he was drunk. I have this intense hatred for myself and the very core of my being, and I think he's where it stems from. Nothing was ever good enough for him (seriously. I'm not exaggerating. All the sports awards, literary awards, musical awards... it was all nothing to him). I HATE to lay blame on other people, but my therapist and I have talked about my problems and what they all have in common: it's my dad. In my relationships, I date older guys, and constantly seek out their approval. I jump through hoops to make them happy, and I feel complete when I do. I seek returned love because I never got it from my dad when I was growing up.