Bpd Diagnosed Too Late

I'll try to be brief. I guess the BPD was always there. For as long as I can remember there were signs of trauma. After the bust up with the mother of my first 2 kids I diagnosed with just depression. I then swung from being down to a euphoric high with someone I thought was a goddess on earth. When that ended I drank poison (failed) and layed on the lounge for weeks, drinking too much and letting my bussiness fall apart. Eventually I met someone on line and was happy again for 8 years, had 2 more kids and was content.....but still had BPD so it ended. I then had a real roller coaster of a year.....engaged a few times and serious with about 6 women. Liars and cheaters mostly. I pushed my old fashioned values to the max. The last was my final straw. The decider was when I was hospitalised from what the doc called "an event in the brain causing blood to stop flowing and numbness in my left side". I quit my career and gave up my home and regular child access to be with her.  When I found out more that confirmed suspicions she had denied, and realised I still wanted to be with her, logic told me I was very ill. I had learnt to run at the first sign of dishonesty my now.  I returned to my home town, broke, jobless, homeless and alone. I didn't even have enough fuel to get all the way back on the last trip, but then  again only too many tears in my eyes stopped me ending it all in a accident. The tests began and I was diagnosed firstly as bipolar, then BPD. I got a crappy job, and eventually after months in a garage, a crappy flat. My psych says I have made great recovery with the meds, CBT and Zen relaxation, but I am still so lonely and in pain constantly. It's exhausting, but I must fight this battle and maintain this life I dont want with just the thought that one day my kids might need me. There is no hope. I am told nobody has a crystal ball, but at my age you can look realistically at your situation and make a good guess how crap things will be. I am burnt out after all the ups and downs. I cant trust anyone or let them in. As soon as I talk to a lady I am looking for the lies. Is there hope for a long term BPD suffer in there forties ?
AussieAZ AussieAZ
46-50, M
1 Response May 22, 2012

It's been 2 years since this post right? I hope you are doing better. I am 42 and just realizing I have bpd, however I have to say that knowledge is power. I'm not better and I am disgusted with borderline and me having it... but knowing is more than half the battle (because once you know I believe your subconscious works on the problem). I'm hoping things are better for you. READ as much as you can about it, I think since you are a man, it might be more difficult resource-wise maybe, but you are worth it. You have meaning no matter how much you might not think so. You deserve to be here. People aren't out to get you your brain is just designed to make it seem that way. Your inner voices are either over-protecting you or victims of abuse/ children you need to reparent. LISTEN to the main messages. Acknowledge the over-protectors (the ones that yell at others, find lies that aren't there... black and white only) Thank them for their service and access the ones they are protecting. The child that should be seen and not heard. The boy who was invisible or hoped he was. Tell him you have his back.

Sorry, I don't know you, I only know what this **** is like for me and I'm not better but I am seeing progress and no age is too late to attempt recovery.

thanx. You hit the nail on head with "knowledge is power". Since then i learnt a lot about the illness and gained enough control over it. I can't say life is all roses and rainbows living in the aftermath, but its far better than it was :). Hope things improve for you too.