When I Finally Feel In Control... I Spiral

i have been in a relationship now for 5 years. we share a son together and have been through EVERYTHING a borderline can do to "test" a relationship. my fiance Adam works alot .. some times out of towns for days. i hated it at first but learned to adjust with the abandonment part. he now works a second job also on some week days after the first job and on weekends. i just feel like i am not important any more. when he does get free time, he wants to do something for himself, like go on a bike ride, or hang out with friends. he recently just planned TWO trips in august for himself. He is going on a weekend thing for a bachlor party which makes me sick to my stomach. i feel that when he goes out of town that he is being sneeky. (i have caught him doing things when out of town that "he forgot to tell me") i get paranoid that he is going to be doing all kinds of unrealistic things.. it sets me into full panic. not to mention that i am a stay at home mom, who is ALWAYS WITH OUR SON!!!!! when do i get a break???? he says that i have to plan a break. he is the money maker of the family so i never know when we have extra money or any money at all. so how do i plan a break? he knows all these things which is why it is so easy for him to just go do it. his second trip in kayaking the weekend after the first trip. so he will be in the woods with no outside communication to me. i feel that i am not worth his time. i feel that he would rather go do something he enjoys and "invite" me to come along , even tho he knows i wont because it is not my thing. he makes me feel guilty by saying.. "dont you want me to be happy?" yes i do... but dont you want to make me happy????? what about mE! i guess i dont know if this is a realistic situation to get so upset about, i keep thinking i should just leave him. i get episodes like this every time he goes on a weekend trip. is that me being boarderline? am i being to irrational? can anyone relate to me??? please help!
Chaise11 Chaise11
May 23, 2012