I Have Borderline Personality Disorder
Well, recently I have seen who my real friends are, who is really supportive, and who really cares....
There's a lot of things I have to work out in therapy, I'm actually very anxious about it, I'm scared of judgement, not being understood, scared of facing the things I've done, maybe even scared to look at the world from a healthier perspective because this is all I know....does anyone else feel that way about therapy? Is it just me, I never really realized how terrified I am of it, I know it needs to be done, I know it has to be done or these behaviors I'm afraid will just keep happening.....
It's such a sickening feeling knowing I can't turn it off, it's and even more sickening feeling knowing all the things I've done, my stomach drops at all the memories of the things I've done...am I crazy....in some alternate universe am I considered normal.....in this life, can I be normal, can I feel things like a normal person instead of feeling everything amplified a thousand times....can I stop zoning out and having people look at me like I'm crazy, can my mind stay clear when confronted with my sins against others, can I learn to keep a clear head when I'm upset, can I learn to cope with loss, can I face the sadness and anguish and then acceptance of those I have lost, can I learn to stop feeling like my husband will leave me because of this, can I accept it when he tells me with love in his eyes, "I will never leave you" can I accept that he will still love me when I'm healthy, can I learn to stop slicing open my arms to feel relief....
I'm so terrified that he will only stand by me for now, but as soon as I'm given a clean bill of health from a psychiatrist/therapist he's going to leave me, after all, I put him through enough and why should he risk me relapsing, or is he going to stay with me only to keep me from relapsing....am I the only one that feels this way??????? WHY can't I just accept that when he says "I love you, I'm not going anywhere" that he means it, I don't think I deserve him, and why should he put up with me....why should he stay....he doesn't deserve this and I don't deserve him.....I can't understand it....does anyone else feel this way????
There's a lot of things I have to work out in therapy, I'm actually very anxious about it, I'm scared of judgement, not being understood, scared of facing the things I've done, maybe even scared to look at the world from a healthier perspective because this is all I know....does anyone else feel that way about therapy? Is it just me, I never really realized how terrified I am of it, I know it needs to be done, I know it has to be done or these behaviors I'm afraid will just keep happening.....
It's such a sickening feeling knowing I can't turn it off, it's and even more sickening feeling knowing all the things I've done, my stomach drops at all the memories of the things I've done...am I crazy....in some alternate universe am I considered normal.....in this life, can I be normal, can I feel things like a normal person instead of feeling everything amplified a thousand times....can I stop zoning out and having people look at me like I'm crazy, can my mind stay clear when confronted with my sins against others, can I learn to keep a clear head when I'm upset, can I learn to cope with loss, can I face the sadness and anguish and then acceptance of those I have lost, can I learn to stop feeling like my husband will leave me because of this, can I accept it when he tells me with love in his eyes, "I will never leave you" can I accept that he will still love me when I'm healthy, can I learn to stop slicing open my arms to feel relief....
I'm so terrified that he will only stand by me for now, but as soon as I'm given a clean bill of health from a psychiatrist/therapist he's going to leave me, after all, I put him through enough and why should he risk me relapsing, or is he going to stay with me only to keep me from relapsing....am I the only one that feels this way??????? WHY can't I just accept that when he says "I love you, I'm not going anywhere" that he means it, I don't think I deserve him, and why should he put up with me....why should he stay....he doesn't deserve this and I don't deserve him.....I can't understand it....does anyone else feel this way????
By:
BondGirl87
Age:
22-25
