I Wish I Could Be Different

I feel alone even when I am with other people  I use alcohol and drugs to kill the pain It would be better for me if I didn't use. Yesterday and today have been very rough days for me. Alot of times I use too many pills and drink, then wind up in the hspital.  The hospital doesn't do anything for me accept I feel love and caring 
hopater hopater
46-50, F
1 Response Apr 13, 2007

I was hospitalized in 96' and when things get really bad, I always fantasize about the hospital because of the love and caring, and safety. I haven't gone back, even though I needed to at times because my doctors wouldn't send me becuase they say the more you go....the more you go back, and my family has not sent me when i was really sick becuase of shame and in the spirit of taking responsibility for myself, I must admit....I have not gone when I have needed hospitalization because of shame. I know what you mean about the caring and attention. Maybe if that's all it offes you. It's enough for the time that you need it. I felt alone with other people for years and years, all the time, still do sometimes, thats why I won't move far away for a god job- too afraid to be alone where i know no one. Too afraid the isolation would cause total relapse since i cant seem to make "friends" in strange places the way others do- so...anyway<br />
the BPD - the deep hole inside, has been slowly filling over the years. Really. Not quite on its own, but not really "because" of me either. I think it is a spiritual phenomenon. There is still empty space at the top. But its kind of filled with sand so if you step in it you can sink down pretty far and need help to get out. My hole, to the extent that it has filled has not unfortunately filled with a non-porous substance like concrete.<br />
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I am trying new BPD therapy called DBT. It's a course of 6 months to a year. It helps people they say. I will post it if it helps me. Look it up on internet if u haven't heard. Some people recover completely.<br />
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Cheers.